Now that we know “Floribama Shore” is being renewed for a second season (I am oddly relieved), I think we should take a few minutes to make some solid recommendations for next year.
For instance, Gus should reconsider that homemade shirt-thong, right?
(I promise you, Gus, that shirt talks to the ladies before you do and it’s saying, “Can we take your car because there’s nowhere to sit in mine?”)
Another thing, Kortni should do less of whatever she’s been doing and more of whatever she’s not been doing because that mumbler needs to wake up and participate. Why so sleepy all the time, girl? Hmmmm?
Oh! We need to see more beach scenes. They barely went to the beach this season.
And everyone needs to hook-up more. EVERYONE. (I mean, at least make an effort, Codi, Kirk, Kortni and Aimee. Do something besides “weigh in on things.”)
More of Candace’s parents, please.
Obviously, we need to meet Jeremiah’s stripper dad. Obviously.
Kayla Jo should be a roommate. That’s right, Nilsa. Add “buy more Jesus candles” to the pre-filming shopping list.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s also bring back the muscle-rooster (I mean why not? Josh at least livened things up a lizzle).
He should rethink that hair, though.
Like seriously rethink it.
Like shave it off and start from scratch and never talk about it again.
And Aimee … oh Aimee. I loved her the most, I think. But someone needs to sit her down before filming starts up again and gently say “Sweetie, let’s make season two the year of not wearing unflattering flesh-colored spaghetti-strapped shirts while throwing mayonnaise jars and physically assaulting a roommate because he dared to ask why you called the person who treats you the worst in this world, OK?”
Though what does one wear for mayonnaise jar hurling?
A pants suit?
A high-buttoning blouse with a bow on it?
A little black dress from J. Crew?
Yeah, on second thought, that flesh-colored getup was the right outfit choice.
Perfect, in fact.
You looked like a real princess goddess mermaid, Aimee. Like a really drunk, angry and foul-mouthed princess goddess mermaid, who just housed two can of unheated Chef Boyardee (one while crouching behind the couch) and who now has to emergency poo, so get out of her way NOWWWWW.
You know what? I’m really going to miss these fools.
Here’s what else is worth talking about from the finale:
— Aimee’s outburst was scaaaaaaaary. Like call-in-the-priest scary. Like dog-fight scary. If Gus hadn’t held her back, I’m pretty sure Kirk would still be looking for organ donors right now and saying “Hi, my name is Kirk” at his colostomy bag support group meeting.
— Great lesson for men, though: When you hit a door and say a woman is lucky it wasn’t her face, expect to have to your intestines ripped out and sewn back in with a pretty color of yarn.
— I’m going to attempt to explain why Aimee called her ex, which she said she did because she hates him and, at first glance, that doesn’t seem to make much sense, right? Why would you call someone because you hate him? Maybe to prank him? But pranking is just another form of showing interest in someone. So. Sure. Yes. Aimee might have thought threatening to poop on Logan’s porch and asking him for two pepperoni pizzas in a sometimes-deep voice was annoying enough to qualify as getting the job done, but I think she did it just to subliminally be like “Hi. Just calling to remind you that you dumped me and called me fat and ugly and now you have a baby you have to pay for in Perdido, Alabama, while I’m on a mother-humping MTV show and am about to blow the bloop up. Byeeeeee.”
— Logan sucks. And if someone out there actually knows Aimee in real life, please remind her to poop on his porch.
— Codi was kind of dressed for the prom to go to his papa’s funeral, huh? I kept picturing him posing behind his grandmother with his hands wrapped around her waist and a potted palm tree behind them.
— Candace was not kidding when she said her parents were neat freaks. Literally no seconds had passed between their arrival at the house and their first observation, “Trash bags on the porch? Why?”
— None of us believes for one second that their parents were told about this family barbecue the day before, right? Why would MTV want us to think that?
— It’s official. Gus is Brandon from the OG “Beverly Hills 90210.”
— Quote of the night (from Aimee who did not appreciate Gus trying to mend fences while she was trying to have her morning cigarette and Diet Rite): “I am not in the mood for no sentimental talks.”
— I punched the door and said “He’s lucky that wasn’t his face!” when Jeremiah called Gus’ mom “sweetheart.” Not because I don’t think Gus’ mom is a sweetheart, but because Jeremiah is sooooo that guy. Like every cell of his being is that guy. Eye-rolling wasn’t doing it for me.
— Confusing thought of the night (from Kortni about her mom): “I just want her to be proud of me.” You do? Since when? Oh, since peeing in a urinal while fully naked on national television … sorry, I forgot you did that for her.
— Were you as surprised as I was that Aimee had a mom? I thought for sure we’d be getting a meemaw that’s actually her aunt or a loud older sister or a manager from Dress Barn. It makes me feel much better knowing she has what by all appearances seems like a nice person in her life. And it makes sense. I don’t know what I was thinking.
— Candace’s face when she watched her mom hug a bare-topped Jeremiah is how I feel about mayonnaise (thrown or not thrown).
— Moment I was most relieved: When Kirk’s parents were like “which girl is upsetting you?” and Kirk referred to Aimee as “the blonde girl” and not “the chubby girl.” I thought for sure he was going to go low and that we were going to need another nail day and asparagus dinner.
— Southern irony: Aimee said “g.d.” to her mom instead of the actual word right before saying the actual word in “I would have effed him up.”
— Best parents: Candace’s.
— Creepiest dad: Nilsa’s (who says “get laid” to their daughters and brags about their conquests to them?)
— Thing you say if you really are a douchebag: “Always a pleasure” (just ask Josh as he air-hugged Nilsa before saying goodbye)
— Times Kirk and Aimee said “I love you” to each other while apologizing: 7,589
— Blueberry wine? Yeah, OK. Blueberry wine. Sure.
— HOLY WHOA. Jeremiah seriously seriously seriously thinks he has rhythm. Oh my God, why is there no live-cam of them watching each episode for the first time? I need to know how he took it when he saw it for himself.
— Again! Why is Kortni so sleepy all the time? She always seems like she can barely stand up. Is she working the late shift? Studying for her LSATs?
— Delight of the night: “I thought this was our gang sign.” (I am so stupid. I really thought Aimee knew what she was saying when she called herself a “Scissor Sister” with Nilsa. Why would I think she would actually know that word? I just figured they were being very lamely ironic or something. That’s it. I’m sending her some flashcards ... )
— Which was more cross-eyed? Codi’s coconut bra or the pineapples on Aimee’s pineapple boob shirt?
— Possible teaser for next season? (from Gus and Jeremiah before they headed out on the road together): “You got the protein?” “I got the protein.”
He was looking for a wife … but he found himself a workout partner.
He got the protein.
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