Codi is either the sociopath next door or he’s truly the most hapless dipsy doodle — who can’t help creatin’ a tangle wherever he goes, gushaw y’all — to ever walk the face of this dumb and dirty earth.
First, he loudly and cruelly insulted poor old Aimee’s looks and then was like “Who? Me? I couldn’t possibly have said such things because I totally wanna put the sausage gravy on Aimee’s biscuit. Case solved.”
Then, after he told a very obviously glum and after-crying Aimee that she needs to be honest when her feelings are hurt (stop holding it in, Aimee!), he set off a freaking five-alarm stink bomb at his empty dollar-drafts bar with the “Gus and Jeremiah have a bet” info he passed on to Nilsa the Gus Hater, who immediately and gleefully took that gem and made gossip drop-earrings out of it by informing her bestie, Katrina, that all along Katrina has been the first prize in this pathetic Mr. Universe, sponsored by Great Clips, contest that’s been happening all day.
Naturally, Katrina responded the way anyone would ... by sobbing.
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And, not so naturally, Jeremiah turned on Gus, who hadn’t done anything wrong except his hair.
So basically, there were two major dramas on the sixth episode of “MTV’s Floribama Shore” and Codi was behind both of them.
Both of them.
Sweet, chubby, aw-shucksy, harmless-faced and -bodied Codi.
Sociopath or hapless dipsy doodle?
I need to see more episodes to know for sure.
In the meantime, this one was my favorite episode by far — even with the lingering scenes of Josh, Jeremiah’s younger brother who was so obviously conceived in a Dave and Buster’s bathroom.
Because how adorable was Aimee?
And I don’t just mean because she didn’t know what “brunch” was and thought her corsage was called a “croissant.”
BOTH OF THOSE THINGS WERE SO ADORABLE. But, seriously, Alabama teachers … come on.
I mean adorable because she got to have the coveted staircase reveal and she seemed truly overjoyed by it.
She got to experience that moment in every teen makeover movie when all the shallow jerks stand at the bottom of the stairs and watch in amazement as the girl with the formerly frizzy hair and frumpy outfits slowly descends unto them styled and makeupped and now visually acceptable to their discerning and delicate eyes.
Sarcasm aside, she deserved that moment and looked gorgeous and happy etc.
However, the next staircase reveal needs to be Codi and Kirk.
Like for real.
Here’s what else was worth discussing from this episode:
— Back to Aimee. The scenes when she talked about how her ex called her “butter teeth” and told her she was fat and that her 20 extra pounds or whatever are the reason he got another girl pregnant infuriated me, of course, INFURIATED ME but that’s not my point here. My point is this: Aimee might have given MTV its most heartfelt and honest reality TV moment to date. I’ve never before wanted to hug my TV and tell it that everything is going to be OK and that it just needs to pick better men and that they are out there, honey.
— Nilsa humped the air twice in this episode. If Josh was conceived in a Dave and Buster’s bathroom then she most-assuredly was conceived while her parents were watching “Idiocracy” and getting their tongues caught in PEZ dispensers.
— Josh’s bedhead and morning face are two very good reasons hangovers were invented. The women who sleep with him are better off staring at their toilets. It’s a mercy puke really.
— OH MY GOD GUS IS STILL TALKING ABOUT THE $150 HE SPENT ON A SEXLESS NIGHT WITH NILSA. Somebody start a Go Fund Me account for this guy, please.
— When Aimee apologized to Kirk because he felt bad on account of her telling him that the time he basically called her fat and ugly and not worthy of having sex with even if he were using another man’s equipment to complete the task, I wanted to hug my TV again. What is going on, MTV???
— How fitting was it that, after a long day of feeling sad about herself and her appearance and her sexual prospects, Aimee ended up on the couch because her bedroom was occupied by a giant cartoon muscle-man mating with a Kimoji?
— Quote of the night (from hostess at Firefly in response to Codi repeatedly asking for a table with the best view): “The restaurant itself is in the middle of a shopping center.”
— Oh no, Aimee! Sweetie … We don’t eat asparagus like it’s pappy’s corncob pipe and it’s the only edible thing left in our cupboard.
— Reminder of the night (from you don’t say!): “I never went to prom … I was homeschooled.”
— How badly did you want Nilsa to poop her pants? It’s OK. I won’t tell anyone that you said “with every fiber of your being but not where you could see it.”
— Possible title for Nilsa’s autobiography: “My A--hole Burns. I Need a Bath.”
— Holy cow. “Baloney pasta”? Pictures on menus? Honestly. I never before understood my own ordering privilege. Now I do. And I urge you to explore your own ordering privilege. The next time we see bolognese on the menu we should remember that not everyone has been told this doesn’t need mustard.
— Three confusing things Codi said or did in this episode: One, he randomly told the waiter he was from South Carolina, as an explanation for something, possibly his love of Applebee’s. Two, when he heard Katrina was going upstairs he went up first and made his bed as if that would help him convert 30 of his pounds into lean muscle. Three, he grew up on draft beer?
— Moment that made me wish I were in the room with the whole cast: When Nilsa was eating a slice of pizza off a paper towel so I could be like “OH MY GOD IS THAT YOUR SUPER SPECIAL RECIPE FOR FROZEN PIZZA!!! YESSSSS!”
— Gus and Jeremiah sitting on one couch and taunting Kirk and Codi on the other couch about which couch is hotter means that Gus and Jeremiah SHOULD GIVE THOSE BOYS MAKEOVERS AND SEND THEM DOWN THE STAIRS! PLEASE!
— How has Candace not already left a note on her pillow that says “Dear Roommates: I moved out. To find out the reason, listen to yourselves.” See: Jeremiah and Josh’s volley of izzles
— Answer to “Should I wear this romper out tongiht?”: Kortni fully naked and peeing in a urinal in the men’s room at a grimy bar.
— Did you understand that explanation Katrina gave about how she chipped her tooth? Please don’t tell me. Never tell me. Not even if I ask again. Was it … like on a … DON’T TELL ME.
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