I swear to you, there will be no moment more confusing or more disappointing for you than the one in which you catch yourself actually enjoying “Floribama Shore,” MTV’s Southern version of “Jersey Shore.”
And you will have a lot of questions for yourself in this moment, such as “Am I really the kind of person who is entertained by ‘pee-pee in the bed’?” and “When did I start to consider that twerking against a taxicab might be something fun to watch?”
“Can I actually abide by a cast that includes Gus, who complained that he spent $150 on his date with Nilsa and yet got nothing sexual in return?”
Pause here for a second, please. You cut your tie with a pocketknife to shorten it, Gus, spent the entire dinner talking about how great you are, objectified your date by focusing only on her looks, asked her very few questions about herself, and then tried to trick her into kissing you after she clearly said “I’m not kissing you.” In the words of your neighborhood Walmart greeter, “Hello.”
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Another warning: You, the shocked “Floribama Shore” enjoyer, might find yourself replaying a scene of this show many more times than you’d care to admit because Aimee — the cast member who looks like a Garbage Pail Kid version of Anna Nicole Smith one minute and like Honey Boo-Boo’s decision to go as Courtney Love for Halloween the next — makes says really funny things that are partially unintelligble because of her thick Alabama accent.
In the premiere, she said something about Jeremiah and his suspenders-bowtie date night outfit combo, but I couldn’t figure out what because of That Accent.
“Did she just call him a ‘4-year-old on an Acer’? Acer? Like the laptop brand? ‘Ay sir’? Why is everyone eating so much corn on the cob in this show?”
I replayed that scene seven times. I’ll never know what she said. Never. But it doesn’t matter. According to her, I’m just a “bougie Northern person” who doesn’t like to “get krunk” with everyone at the same time, then dance the same dances, then fight together, then be a family again.
Oh Aimee. You don’t know what my hopes and dreams are. And you certainly don’t know what order I want to achieve them in.
Here’s a Who’s Who breakdown of the premiere episode of “Floribama Shore,” a show that will make you feel like you now live in the keychain aisle of a gas station gift shop but you’re doing OK for yourself because there’s a bunch of soda and Pringles nearby.
That’s Codi with an I and the last name of a man who angered the intake agent at Ellis Island. Codi is the Vinnie, if we’re making “Jersey Shore” equivalents ... and we are. We’re doing that.
Codi is from Westminster, South Carolina, which is way way way in the Upstate. And he’s very sweet and not at all an embarrassment to his homestate. I’m not even being sarcastic. He cried when 23-year-old Nilsa talked about the breakup of her marriage (yes) and her miscarriage. And he makes barbecue, which “Jersey Shore” fans will immediately recognize as the chicken cutlet of this cast’s family dinner.
The corn on the cob is the macaroni.
Someone, I’m not sure who, said “cheese and rice” instead of “Jesus Christ” in one scene on the show.
Codi is my primary suspect.
That’s Kortni with a K and an I and no U nor an E and Gilson, as in her family’s surname up until last night when, I assume, they saw how she acted on the show, quickly packed their suitcases, scratched W’s over the G’s on their IDs and left the country ... to like Atlanta or something.
You and I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to go through it very quickly. Kortni (let’s do this, people, hang on tight) got wicked drunk on her first night in the house and passed out, then changed beds twice, maybe three times?, then peed on her roommate’s bed like it was a toilet, then denied doing that, then touched the pee spot, sniffed the pee on her hand and declared it “a spilled drink,” the next day she peed in a trashcan on the beach, she burps a lot, she got asked on a date by Homeschooled Jeremiah, then he made her pay her half the bill and said “Did I stutter?” when she was like “Pay half the bill what?,” she thinks “cognac” is pronounced “cocknack,” dresses like she forgot to get dressed, and looks and acts like Elmo from Sesame Street’s and Sexy Sadie from the Manson Family’s shared granddaughter.
After paying for her own date-meal, she put on a giraffe costume (pronounced “GEEraff”) and got into bed with Homeschooled Jeremiah, who clearly scored a 100 on his homeschool final about “How to spend zero dollars on this, Gus. It’s called being a nice guy who demands nothing but also why didn’t Jeremiah pay for that meal? He asked HER out. That’s seriously so rude.”
Kortni is the Snooki.
Actually, Snooki might be the Kortni.
That’s Candace Rice, as in the Candace Rice, the only normal person on this show besides Codi and Kirk (I’ll explain Kirk next).
Candace is the roommate whose bed Kortni turned into a chamber pot. Her reaction to that was satisfying and makes me want to say “BRAH ... no” to everything now.
Candace also got humped by Kortni seconds before Kortni passed out on Pee Night.
BRAH ... no.
Candace had the best line of the night: “I’m not comfortable sleeping in new people’s pee. I’m not comfortable sleeping in old people’s pee. So with that being said ... I’m going to go sleep in Clark Kent’s bed (points to Homeschooled Jeremiah who I would totally have already referred to as Clark Kent by now but, imo, he’s a little too aware of himself in that regard).”
Candace is the JWoww of this show.
Kirk might be too boring for this show but we need him. WE NEED HIM.
Let’s hope this low-key dude balances out this cast, which is 99 percent made up of Random Twerkers, which means at any given time during the show, at least four of them are buns up and humping the air for no particular reason, like confused dogs whose downstairs start cranking at the sight of a leg, another dog, a cat, a blanket, a stuffed teddy bear named Phillip.
Aimee was the taxi twerker, by the way. Kirk wouldn’t twerk on a taxi. He just wouldn’t. He made the joke “You’re sotally tober” to bigtime drunken Kortni, which means he’s a little too much in his own head to be taxi twerking.
Kirk is the Ronnie, but only temporarily. I’d hate to saddle him with this likening without seeing him eat a sandwich, clean his brain-hole with a Q-tip or run toward a nightclub fight like his diaper just broke.
Gus was homeless at 17 and he has the stiffened hair height of someone who, much like this show, thinks it’s still 2009.
He owns acid wash jeggings, says things like “Imma get brown as a biscuit” about tanning and gets annoyed when Nilsa talks to a professional beach umbrella opener because “Nilsa thinks she can flirt her way to the top ... talk about a massive turn-off.”
You heard me say “professional beach umbrella opener,” right?
Massive turn-off? Shut up, Gus.
Gus is the Paulie D but not funny or talented ... was Paulie D good as a DJ? I can’t remember. He’s been supplanted by DJ James Kennedy in my head.
Nilsa looks like Kim Kardashian’s teardrop.
She has all the boys in the house random twerking in double-time at the sight of her. She’s allegedly friends with Kortni but makes it clear that Kortni will never get any man that Nilsa also wants, which is most definitely true. You just shouldn’t say that out loud, Nilsa.
Nilsa likes Homeschooled Jeremiah and after meeting him for the first time, along with Kortni, started dancing like a car dealership wind sock but then caught sight of Jeremiah dabbing and judged him for that.
She is the Sammi. Less constant hair-straightening, though.
Jeremiah was ... homeschooled, yes. His parents met at a strip club, where his dad was a stripper and had a signature dance to “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
His mother, I’m guessing, is a big bag of Domino.
Jeremiah has giant muscles and his goals include hanging “with beautiful women in small bikinis.”
Despite his jacked physique, he is most certainly the Mike Sorrentino of the house. I promise you.
Aimee packed a fishing pole and a value pack of Ramen for her MTV-filming journey. She is 24 and just got out of a 10-year relationship with a guy who left her for her cousin. He got another girl pregnant. Maybe that girl is this cousin he cheated on Aimee with? I have no idea.
Also, there is no word on whether this was also an Aimee cousin, but Aimee did heavily hint that everyone in her town is kin.
Aimee wants to have one night stands. In the previews she appears to fight everyone. She thinks “librarian” is prounced “lie-berryan.” She is the Deena of the show.
Oh. And she won’t give up her “cookie” to anyone who wears suspenders with glasses and a bowtie because that makes them look like a 4-year-old on an Acer.
SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS ALABAMAN, TELL ME! TELL ME WHAT AIMEE SAID ABOUT JEREMIAH!
What does it all mean?