‘Floribama Shore’ recap: The conditions under which it’s OK to disrespect someone’s pizza

Kortni Gilson hosted a “onesie” watch party for the fourth episode of “Floribama Shore” at Dave & Buster’s in Panama City Beach on Monday night, and someone wrote the most terrifying comment on an Instagram post of her.

“Run for president please I’ll vote.”

Oh good God.

I hope this person was encouraging Kortni to run for president of the Someone Move the Bucket Closer to My Head Club or the I’ll Just Pee Here Society or even the Of Course I Own a Pet Parrot OF COURSE I DO Group.

Because … oh, whatever.

Maybe she could be president someday. I don’t know what the qualifications are anymore so I’ll spare you a rundown of all the very legitimate reasons this should not ever be encouraged.

Also, sigh, a onesie party?

I get why adult animal onesie pajamas are a thing. I do. They’re cute.

But I’ll tell you why I’m more annoyed than I should be by them and particularly when I see them on “Floribama Shore”: Adult animal onesies are not something most people wear for any reason other than to be all “I’m so chill and cool. I’m like ‘whatever’ about life and I’m not one of those basic hos. I do not care what anyone thinks about me … COME ON! LOOK AT ME IN THIS ONESIE AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT PLEASE!!”

Which is fine. That’s not my actual issue.

My actual issue is that adult animal onesies are basically body UGGs, which is to say they are a predictable and goofy trend adopted by a group of people who are in total denial about the real reason they’re wearing dirty cankle-y rhino slipper-boots.

What these particular trend-adopters say about wearing body UGGs is “They’re cozy and it’s not even about drawing attention to myself — I don’t care about that. I don’t care if they’re in style! I care about staying warm,” when the real reason is “I totally care and want you to think I’m amazing.”

Full stop.

So their attempt at authenticity fails on two counts.

If you don’t get what I’m saying then, for a more illustrated version of this opinion, watch Nilsa stomp through the house in a unicorn onesie while throwing shade at Kayla Jo.

The girl put on that outfit, in one sense, to be like “I don’t even care. I just put this on because I’m casually adorable and do this all the time …” and then terrorized Jeremiah and KJ, which unicorns aren’t supposed to do, by the way.

Should’ve put the wild boar onesie on for that.

And when her silliness seemed to not affect them in the way Nilsa wanted it to — which was how exactly? “Oh Nilsa! Until I saw you dressed like a mythical forest creature, I thought Kayla Jo was the girl for me, but now … (pushes Kayla Jo off the balcony railing)”? — she unzipped the unicorn pajamas and wore the arms of it around her waist to expose her torso and achieve that “Talk to the booty because the very cool unicorn’s off-duty!” look.

Maybe she was too warm from running around. I don’t know her actual motivations. I just know what it looks like.

Sorry. I have such limited patience for the hacky attention-getting tactics of some reality show stars and it seems like that’s her specialty right now.

Some stars are really good at using their own inherent charm to get attention naturally (see most “Vanderpump Rules” cast members and then compare them to that Miami Girl who came on the show in Season 3 to accuse Tom Sandoval of cheating on Ariana. MG was so hurt over him lying about the HOURS he spent with her that she flew across the country to express this to him in person — because that’s normal — then wowed us all with her awkward attempts to make it seem like this was all about principle and had nothing to do with her wanting to be on TV).

Anyway. Back to “Floribama Shore.”

I was trying to figure out the order in which I like these people.

But that’s not really possible because flat-line.

So I’m doing this instead:

— Best All-Around Roommate: Candace because I truly enjoyed it when she fearlessly stormed up to those three scary bro-necks at the bar after Gus told her that the “farmer in the hat” was the one who called him the word that rhymes with “maggot” and then, when she realized she had a legit Huey, Dewey and Louie situation on her hands (that Gus’ description hardly narrowed things down for her), she was basically like “You are all farmers in hats so just tell me which one of y’all I need to nose-to-nose scream at.”

— Worst All-Around Roommate: Nilsa. This isn’t even about the unicorn pajamas. She is the worst because that pizza WAS FROZEN. I swear, the way she was carrying on I thought she had farmed the veggies, made hand-pulled mozzarella using milk from her yard cow, sang “That’s Amore!” while tossing dough and catching it behind her back, built a wood-fire oven by hand using only YouTube videos to guide her, carefully watched the pizza as it cooked so it would be perfectly charred and chewy, and then, when all was said and done, accidentally burned herself because she was so excited to cut a special slice for Kayla Jo, who then took a single bite and gave it to Jeremiah to dispose of. THAT would have been the only scenario that would have justified the fit Nilsa threw about it.

— Most Confusing Roommate: Why does Kortni act like she was raised by a terrifying minister who secretly made her work in a brothel? Her mother is so lovely. Does that not factor in at all to Kortni’s decision-making when she’s thinking things like “Should I get blackout drunk, pick my butt and reference warts on camera?”

— Somewhat Redeemed Roommate: Gus and, yes, it’s because he cried about his domestically violent upbringing. But also because he was called the word that rhymes with “maggot” and he handled it really well. He displayed his man-strength to the dumb farmer who called him that and showed that he was physically prepared for any potential throw-down. Then he rationally decided it wasn’t worth going to jail over. Then he was very clear with viewers that this word is never acceptable. So, while I’m not forgetting that he thinks $150 in food should have been enough to convince Nilsa to do it with him, I’m moving on from it. Nilsa’s on her own now.

— Roommate Who Acts Like He’s Rehearsing for a Bit Role on “Riverdale”: Um, Jeremiah. Obviously. I know Nilsa thinks he’s a homeschooled freak but I’m not really sure this crew is proving the benefits of traditional schooling over homeschooling. Jeremiah was the only roommate who didn’t get involved in that dollar draft night fight and if I had to pick a nametag to wear for the rest of this season, it would be “Person who did not get into a brawl at dollar draft night with rednecks because they called Nilsa ‘Princess’ and told her to leave.”

— Roommate Who Knows When to Cut Bait: Kayla Jo. I know she’s not an actual roommate and that Nilsa, Kirk and Aimee would certainly call her a “barnacle” and a “freeloader.” But I’m rewarding her for knowing that after you repeatedly remind two people who are smoking — one of whom openly despises you and the other of whom thinks “feminine” is pronounced “fenmanym” — that smoking is going to make them unappealing hag-faces, you should immediately ask to have a cab called for you so you can go home. Smartest thing you’ve ever done, Hermione.

— Roommates Who Need to Make Out with Each Other or Something to Get More Airtime: Codi and Kirk. Or maybe have a tickle fight? I don’t know. Something, though … Codi can’t just keep sleeping and gossiping and Kirk needs to tone down the Tasmanian Devil stuff. It’s all a little one-note.

— Proof of My Terrifying Minister and Brothel Scenario: When Kortni said “AMEN!” (as she was drunkenly making a sandwich in the kitchen and listening to Nilsa make a very good point about how she can’t win when it comes to her looks because people will point out what they see as flaws either way), she said the word in a way that made it seem as if she were at an outdoor concert, drunk on moonshine, high on PCP and feverish from a homemade remedy for a weird rash, but still, she wanted to convey encouraging thoughts to the stage, where Kid Rock was announcing his run for Senate.

— Quote of the Night: “If I got herpes, I’d probably tell her I got herpes.” — Kortni on her relationship with her mom

— Liar of the Night: OH MY GOD, NILSA. You can’t start a brawl one night because you (rightfully) refuse a free shot from a stranger and then get caught on camera gleefully drinking a free shot from another stranger. You just didn’t want to drink that creeper’s spittle at dollar draft night. Totally justifiable. Still caught in a lie, though.

— Dumbest Words of the Night: Nilsa messing with Kayla Jo by asking for her share of the rent and then pointing out how expensive it is to rent that beach house. Ummmmm … MTV is paying for that. Don’t act like we don’t know that.

— Hypocrite of the Night: Kayla Jo for complaining about Nilsa and saying that if Nilsa doesn’t having anything nice to say she shouldn’t say anything at all … right before telling Aimee and Nilsa they’re going to get wrinkles, which sounded like a threat-spell if ever I’ve heard one.

— Saddest Fact of the Night: Aimee dropped out of high school. Oh, Aimee.

— Unsurprising Fact of the Night: Kortni has been fired from every job she’s had.

— Words I Wish I Had Never Heard Because Now I’m Picturing This: “My shorts are so far up my butt I can taste them.” Who even said that? Nilsa? Aimee?

— Preview That’s Even Better Than the One from Last Week When Nilsa Found Out Kayla Jo Is Wiccan: SHE HOOKS UP WITH JEREMIAH’S BROTHER! WHAT!

For more recaps of “Floribama Shore”: episode 1, episode 2, and episode 3.

This story was originally published December 14, 2017 at 2:39 PM with the headline "‘Floribama Shore’ recap: The conditions under which it’s OK to disrespect someone’s pizza."