Here are the 20 Stages You Must Go Through Before Realizing You Like Jeremiah:
Stage 1: Who is that guy? My God. His mom must have lactated Muscle Milk. How does he walk without tipping over? Calm down, Arms.
Stage 2: Did he just say he was homeschooled? Ah yes. Here we go … can’t wait to hear more about his personal savior, his favorite recipe for tater tot casserole, how he plays oboe in the family band and only signed up for Ashley Madison “to see who he could fellowship with.”
Stage 3: Back-deck dab.
Stage 4: Suspenders.
Stage 5: Dutch treat. Ooooh, sorry about that, Kortni.
Stage 6: Kayla Jo.
Stage 7: Beachfront dab.
Stage 8: Whoa. Off-duty, off-brand Scowly Superman.
Stage 9: Ugh. Kayla Jo.
Stage 10: He cleans the kitchen. Rewind. He cleans the kitchen. Rewind. He cleans the kitchen. Rewind. He cleans the kitchen. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. And you didn’t even need to switch it to Private Browsing for that.
Stage 11: SOMEBODY HELP HIM PLEASE HE’S DYING! Oops. Sorry. He was just mountain-clogging … to “Get Low.”
Stage 12: Lecture series on “How to Get A Girl Whose Suitcase Is ‘Garbage Bags’ to Understand Why the Piles of Clothes on the Floor Are a Problem for the Rest of the Room’s Inhabitants.”
Stage 13: Lecture series on “How to Be Appropriate Around Older Female Guests When You’re a Rude Little Nuisance Like Nilsa or Aimee or Anyone Who Couldn’t Pass the Finals in His Mom’s AP-level An Envy-Free Smile Is a Hug from Your Face Class.”
Stage 14: Lecture series on “I Would Punch Nilsa If She Were a Man.”
Stage 15: Lecture series on “How to Have Your Roommates’ Backs ‘to a Certain Extent’ in the Event of a Drunken and Illogical Bar Brawl.”
Stage 16: Did Jeremiah put on a rooster costume? Oh. No. That’s just his brother Josh.
Stage 17: Double-brother Dab.
Stage 18: Guns out in an American flag tanktop ... Someone wants his banner to get spangled tonight.
Stage 19: Lecture series on … no, no. Not a lecture series! How could I have not seen this before? Jeremiah is a kind and decent human being who stands up for what is right. Thank you, Captain America, for trying to explain to Codi and Kirk why it is a horrible thing to loudly and crudely declare that they find Aimee to be sexually substandard. The girl literally just told those two jerks she wouldn’t sleep with any of the guys in the house because she regards them all as her brothers, which she only said (or had to say) because Codi was putting the moves on her and warning her that he’d have her big toes curling up tonight.
Stage 20: Let’s close with a prayer. Dear God, please don’t let Jeremiah turn out to be a secret white supremacist or a secret sexual harasser or a mall Santa with a very short line for a very good reason.
Here’s everything worth mentioning from Monday night’s episode of “Floribama Shore.”
▪ Can you believe how fast Candace’s adorable beach date with Matthew went from “Disney teen dreams” to “THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! RUNNNNNNNNNNN”? The tipping point happened as soon as we were all like “He was never married. No kids. Has a career. Is cute. Seems sweet. Brought her … was that a bag of food? Did we just meet the perfect man?” Not even a second had passed and it was like THUNDER CLAPS, WITCH CACKLES (Kayla Jo?), A CHILD’S VOICE SLOWLY SINGS A VINTAGE LULLABY. The sky darkened, the wind started to blow and Dementors circled above Candace and Matthew on their beach blankets.
That guy … WOW. Who goes on a date with someone like Candace and then tells her that he likes strippers — who he’s “not supposed” to have sex with (insert an implied BUT I DOOOOO) — and then not only references the “frank” and “beans” portion of his, um, personal picnic plate but shares his carpet odor status and THEN openly leers at other women walking by and THEN THEN THEN makes a joke about how he should have brought “ones” with him.
▪ No really. The only thing missing from that scene was Matthew ripping off his face to reveal that he was actually Harvey Weinstein this whole time. “What? Give me a massage! I’ll make you famous.”
▪ Well, Nilsa has pooped in the ocean before. “You just swim away really fast!” was her advice to Aimee, who was afraid their island trip meant she might have to ... poop in the ocean. What?!? No!!!! NO ONE should be pooping where other people swim, Nilsa and Aimee! Eat better foods and at regular times so you don’t get surprised by a bathroom emergency. Jeremiah! Lecture them, please!
▪ Codi’s take on how sunburns make him look like a lobster that “everybody wants because it’s the reddest and juiciest” tells me that Codi doesn’t know how lobster-ordering works. But I would love to be at a restaurant one day and overhear him tell a waiter “Bring me the reddest, juiciest lobster you have! I’m a reality TV star now and will only stand for the best!”
▪ Exchange of the night between Candace and a dock dude: “Sir, are there sharks out there?” “Yeah there are sharks out there, baby, it’s the ocean.” “Do they eat black people?” “....... I don’t think they discriminate.”
▪ Ha. They were just dolphins.
▪ Codi and Aimee don’t know that SPF 50 most certainly does not become “SPF 150” if you put it on three times. WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR STUDENTS, SOUTH CAROLINA AND ALABAMA?
▪ If Codi were a cartoon he’d be Olaf from “Frozen,” though, right? And Aimee would be Garfield.
▪ Aimee’s ex, Logan, slept with her cousins and her friends, got another girl pregnant while they were together, calls her “Dude,” and really just has the voice of, I don’t know, an Alabama angel … an Alabama angel whose name is Videogame McSleeps A Lot Can’t Possibly Have a Bed That Isn’t Also a Couch Von Seriously Move on from Him, Girl, He’s a Loser and You Deserve Better Than That the THIRD.
▪ Quote of the night: “I had a dream last night that someone put their toe in my cookie.” — Aimee, whose toe-cookie dream makes a lot more sense knowing what Codi said to her in the taxi on the way home from the bar
▪ Sign that Nilsa should be spending at least some of her mirror time curled up with a vocab book: “Sometimes I can’t depict my dreams from reality.”
▪ Was Kortni on this episode? Oh right. She had something very insightful to say about Jeremiah and Josh. I believe it was “I don’t think either one of these homeschooled freaks are fun.”
▪ Notes on Josh, from every except Nilsa: “He’s as corny as Jeremiah.” “He’s Jeremiah with a different haircut.” “Exactly!”
▪ Notes on Josh, from Nilsa: “He’s the complete opposite of Jeremiah.”
▪ Pickup line of the night: “Where am I sleeping tonight?” — Josh to Nilsa, who responds “In my bed”
▪ Horrible sight of the night: Seeing camera footage of Jeremiah’s little brother’s gym butt climbing all over Nilsa as if she were Fisher-Price’s My First Time Doing It With a Woman Swing Set.
▪ Second horrible sight of the night: Aimee saying “I have to pee” right before peeing on the street in the open near the cabs that are going to take them all home.
▪ This is a serious question. Why do these people hate using bathrooms?
▪ All right. Back to Kirk and Codi and Aimee. Is it true that Aimee is afraid of rejection? Obviously. Is it also the case that it’s easy for her to reject guys who are not trying to get with her on account of her knowing that “she might be a little chunky and stuff”? And that maybe she’s a little hurt by this? Yes. Of course. But guess what, Kirk and Codi. It is kind of scary when a guy you regard as a friend starts talking about doing it with you as if it’s a foregone conclusion that you will and as if your opinion in the matter doesn’t count. In no way did her pre-emptive blanket rejections of the guys in the house deserve such an emphatic and descriptive rebuke against her viability as a one night stand. You wouldn’t do it with her using another guy’s business, Kirk? Yeah, OK. And she’s not someone who would garner a second look from either of you guys?
No one cares what you consider good.
For recaps of previous episodes of “Floribama Shore,” click here.