There’s someone on Twitter named @relationshep who joined Twitter in December 2016, has fewer than 200 followers and who (probably) isn’t Shep Rose.
I can’t figure out this guy’s deal or why Bravo or Shep or Shep’s people didn’t reserve @relationshep for future use.
But that’s neither here nor there.
This guy mostly retweets. Last night, though, he tried to tweet-cap the premiere of “RelationShep.” Most were variations of the below:
Never miss a local story.
Then he gave up because he ran out of jokes, largely because “RelationShep” is a train that runs on time and no one cranes their necks to witness trains meeting their stated arrival and departure goals.
We brake for trainwrecks.
But I’ll get back to that.
This is all just to share with you that this Other Relationshep Guy had my favorite tweet of the night, which I can’t embed because I’d hate to burn your corneas with the F word so I will paraphrase: “15 million Americans are unemployed and Shep effing Rose has two TV shows.”
Yup. Sorry, coal miners.
Should’ve put on some silly socks, bought a Word of the Day Calendar, asked a 4-year-old’s mom to teach you how to lick-flatten your own hair, and pitched a show about how hard it is to be accountable to another person’s love.
I know, I know. That idea was already taken.
Which brings me back to the topic at hand.
I can now name all the states in the order they joined the union because while “RelationShep” was on, my mind kind of wandered. Instead of furiously typing thoughts and notes, I found myself on Sporcle, practicing my memory skills.
Bright side: This means I, too, can be as much fun as Shep was during the six dates he had Monday night.
What happened to that guy?
Actually, it’s not his fault.
What happened to us?
Half of Twitter was also like “Zzzzzzzzz” over Shep’s show. Maybe “Southern Charm” fans had high expectations — they seemed so excited about the show the week before. But something tells me their alleged boredom was because Shep was a gentleman. Shep and his dates were sober. The women seemed (mostly) cool and (mostly) interesting.
Pssst. Not you, Carly.
Have we become so accustomed to half-dressed idiots slurring and bed-wetting their way to reality show fame that we’ve forgotten how to love?
Are we the actual metaphor for Shep’s core relationship struggle? That is, his primal need for the prurient competing constantly with his intellectual need for meaningful human connection.
Really, the show wasn’t “boring.”
It was ... um ... what’s the word for ... OK. Let’s just do the math together:
▪ The show started out on Hilton Head Island! That’s exciting, right?
Shep drove to the quiet gated community where his mom and dad, Frances and Rip Rose, live in a million-dollar home. They fixed his favorite food for him.
▪ Oh! Shep crossed a serious WASP line and opened up to his parents, exposing his inner desires. “I want to be a normal human being.”
▪ Then Shep’s dad also broke Pro-code and gave Shep some insight into his own search for love. “Your mother married me out of charity.”
▪ Then Shep shared a very scandalous family secret with the viewers: His parents’ first date was to a Burt Bacharach concert.
▪ Then, when Shep’s dad was like “Will someone tell me why I smoke these things?,” Shep told him “Because you’re an idiot” and Shep’s dad was all “Oh yeah. That’s it.” Shep’s mom was like “You two!” Then Shep and his three friends, all named Craig, went to a college party and Shep ate Corn Nuts and a cherry slushie, extra slushie, and he flirted with Christian Slater who told him about turbo dogs in the microwave ... Wait. That’s not right. I’m totally getting the movie “Heathers” confused with Shep’s visit home.
Anyway, Burt Bacharach wrote “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.”
Don’t go to sleep!
Burt Bacharach was married four times! Four! That must’ve been dramatic, right?
Yeah. The math isn’t good here.
But other things happened on the show. Like I said, Shep went on six dates. We met his producer Sarah Steinfeld, who everyone thinks he’s going to end up with but really knows better than to think that because Nora Ephron died five years ago.
People just needed something to hope for. I get that.
Honestly, I think it’ll get better. I really do. They’re coming back to Charleston after all.
And it’s not a bad show. It’s supremely watchable with nuanced humor. Also, Arizona was the third-last to join the union, and is pretty new to the United States but totally acts like it’s been here ... sorry. That just came out.
Here’s a breakdown of the notable moments on the show:
▪ Shep kept that hoodoo love doll Cameran got him last season on “Southern Charm.” It was totally visible on a shelf in the background and clearly hasn’t executed its destiny yet, which one can assume is to murder Shep in his sleep, hide his body in a porch Yeti, drink all the beer in his fridge, plus accidentally an old bottle of amoxicillin, then get into his bed next to a girl named Katie who will not even notice a single difference when she wakes up the next afternoon and says “Oh my God, do you have any contact lenses I could, like, borrow because mine are gone from eyeballs?” to Shep, who is actually the doll, and the doll answers “Our prescriptions are likely not compatible. My oculus sinister is a minus-2 and my oculus dexter is a minus-3.75” in an uncanny impression of Shep’s morning voice and his patronizing attempt to educate the Pretty.
▪ Cameran told Shep he needs to be more vulnerable, which he mistakes to mean “be honest.” Cameran corrects him and gives him an example of “vulnerable”: “When you like a girl, tell her.” So see? Our hero has a journey to go on, folks.
▪ Shep’s dating adventure begins in Los Angeles.
He starts with a dog groomer who says “That’s a smart decision” when Shep muses that he should get a dog. I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic because if you love dogs enough to express their anal glands for a living you should also love them enough to know that Shep is not a dog dad.
Later on the date when Shep mentions that an ex-girlfriend was really a “lovely” person, Peyton the dog groomer is like “Yeah, I’m sure they’re all lovely.” Now that, I think, was definitive sarcasm, acknowledging his attempt to portray himself as a noble man, but Shep took it to mean she was jealous of his past.
He invited Peyton to Charleston so we’ll be seeing more of her and will better understand where she’s coming from.
▪ Shep then introduces the code-phrase “I have to use the restroom” as his date-ditching signal to Sarah, who has to coach him through ending a date like a brave little boy.
His second date, young Liz who had to run the numbers on how old she would’ve been three years after she was born, beat him to the punch, though, by being like “(You took me to a pregnant Shakespeare birthday party for a person I don’t know and once used a fax machine) I think it’s Uber time” the second he returned from “the bathroom.”
▪ Landon went on Shep’s third date with him. She showed up (at his request to be fair) and squint-faced giggled when Shep taught her to play pool in the “Sweet Home Alabama” way and the date, a gorgeous and smart woman named Adhrucia, (who, according to Landon, ie., the person who set up this date in the first place, is a “rare female sommelier” even though Adhrucia is not a “rare female sommelier,” but what did we expect from Landon, a person who lives in a false world of balloon-truths?) looked on.
I obviously can’t say what was going through Adhrucia’s mind at the time, but I assume she was picturing a bottle of the exact label and year of red wine that kept her from reaching her full sommelier status and Landon’s head.
Maybe I should just let Kathryn Dennis sum this date up for me:
▪ Speaking of bathroom breaks, Shep — who claimed not to know that inviting another woman to a date halfway through the date is a clear signal of “I don’t like you that way” — did use the restroom line.
He returned to Adhrucia and ended the date by saying “I am going to respectfully go back to Hollywood.”
▪ His fourth date was with Carly, a model who hates books and has the personality of a bendy straw.
They went to a pool.
Shep did not wear a Speedo. The model did not get a Charleston invite.
▪ His fifth date was with Jessy, another Landon pick. They tasted chicken ice cream together and went to a bookstore, where they picked out books for each other.
This was the best date, and I’m factoring in the chicken ice cream.
He did not fake a restroom visit but put Jessy’s Charleston invite on hold because she intimidates him and he’s afraid she will reject him.
He ended their date by saying, “I really had a nice time. I like you. Stay in touch?”
Yup. She’s going to reject him.
▪ The last date was in Dallas, with Kylie, a rodeo horse-rider (is there a word for that?). When he got to Dallas, Shep declared that “Everything’s bigger in Dallas,” which I swear was someone’s tagline in Bravo’s “Most Eligible Dallas.”
Shep and the rodeo horse-rider rode horses and Shep had that vulnerable moment that Cameran had advised him to have. He said “Oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no no. Did I look stupid?” and looked terrified and mortified when his horse ignored him and did what it wanted.
The rodeo horse-rider told him, yes, he did look stupid.
She received an invitation to Charleston.
Then she made out with Shep.
And Texas was the 28th state to join the union.