‘Southern Charm’ recap: The night Landon Clements annoyed the Lord God Almighty

I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about Landon Clements or her ridiculous travel website this week, so imagine my disgust when I saw that tonight’s episode of “Southern Charm” was titled “Roamin’ Holiday.”

I was so annoyed I said “JESUS” out loud.

And, I’m not even kidding, a voice responded.

It was Jesus.

He arose before the third day, stood in front of my TV with his hands on his hips and said, “H. CHRIST, LANDON!”

He literally finished taking his own name in vain for me. THAT is how annoyed we both are at having to watch Landon and her motherfaking fakeness.

Ugh. Roam! Roam! Come see my website at this launch party ... on this one laptop … that my intern will pass around, I guess, while I get sloppy drunk.

Here is the genesis of my night while trying to figure out this dumb blog:

I went to roam-guide.com, which was still pinned on her Facebook page until minutes ago.

NOTHING.

Literally nothing, which I knew because it’s been nothing for a while.

(Ps. the best part of her pinned post from last May was that a fan had to fix her link for her, to which Landon responded “Hahaha Thank you! I tired (SIC) but it wouldn't let me post a pic and have the site? I'm learning…” … and guess what. THAT LINK DOESN’T WORK EITHER, LANDON.)

I really do feel bad about judging her so harshly (I will defend her in a second), which is why I decided to poke around a little and give her the benefit of the doubt.

So I checked her Twitter.

And aha.

She has a new site, Trovareco.com.

She apparently changed the name of Roam-Guide because there were “too many Roam sites.” (HELLO, you clearly knew that at the time you named it Roam-Guide, Landon, because you had to hyphenate your URL like an Amish person.)

But cool. Trovareco.com. Another odd little URL that is needlessly burdened by extra stuff. Trovare is “to find” in Italian. I don’t know what the “co” is for, maybe she wants us to read it like Tro-var-reeko.

Or maybe, much like with Roam, the uncomplicated and much more intuitive URL was already taken so she hastily improvised.

(Second side note on Landon’s inability to link to her own travel website correctly: A fan asked her if that was Roam we got a glance of on tonight’s “Southern Charm” episode. Landon replied, “Yes please have a look trovarco.com” … To recap: She misspelled her own travel website’s name and she didn’t even explain why she wasn’t referring her fan to Roam.)

Best part about Trovare.com being down? A fan told her that she had a bad hosting site. She responded that they’re changing their host tomorrow.

Of course they are.

Why make it perfect on the day the episode about your travel blog airs? Why prepare your fans with an explanation about the brand discrepancy on the biggest day of free advertising your site will ever get? Why make it so that Roam-Guide.com redirects to your new site, you sheltered, jobless maniac?

The only thing that kept me from shutting off the TV was when Shep schooled her about her atrocious behavior with his friends.

He was all “Let’s talk about Nantucket and Yot.Me.”

And she was like “Yes. I went to Nantucket with them and did some Roaming …”

Actually, you did some Trovarecoing, if we’re being honest here. Also, it sounds like you also did some douchebaggering while there.

The look on her face while he broke down her rudeness for her … her expression was like “How much more wine can I fit into these capillaries! None? I’m full up at the inn? Anna, get me a car! Shep hates me!”

Anyway, who cares. I now have my answers on this silly mystery. Let’s vow never to talk about her blog or her again.

Oh wait, one more thing.

She had me on her side for a single second tonight when Thomas Ravenel made that joke to Whitney Sudler-Smith about Landon’s website and Landon having good oral skills.

Totally juvenile, dude.

Can’t a woman get her slice of the pie without a sad, puffy 60-year-old man-child bringing up her sexual prowess?

Besides, Landon didn’t write any of that stuff on her blog, according to Anna, who made sure the viewers knew who was doing all the work.

And thus ends my one and only time defending Landon.

Now let’s talk about the people who matter.

— Jen Snowden, the breakout star from season 3 who seemed like a real hanger-on and then redeemed herself on the reunion show. I’m sure she enjoyed seeing Cameran refer to her son as “the baby that had the birth defect.” Oh and what the heck does she do for a living? That was a lot of baby clothes and a really nice house. I’m glad she got some screen time, but I do have a bone to pick with her: Thank you, Jen, for leaving me no choice but to throw out all the applesauce in my fridge. What am I supposed to eat instead of all the cake at Publix now? Baby poo does not look like applesauce! And even if it does, how dare you.

— Craig looks 55 and like pulled his neck muscle dancing the Charleston and like he’s starting to regret his life as a bootlegging gangster.

— Craig also looks like he might be having a deep and meaningful affair with his cat.

— Shep is a gossip girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love this look, especially because he’s talking about the person we just vowed not to talk about again. Also, he knows how to cut deep with those Lee Press-ons. “We left you off our group text” is the meanest thing a girl can say to her friends.

— Speaking of the group text, my favorite part of the evening was when Cameran told Craig that noooooo we’re still friends and Shep is wrong about that but yeah, we have a group text … it’s just to make fun of your Instagram. I could see Craig aging another 75 years when she said that.

— The goddess Kathryn Dennis. During the episode she tweeted “I just roamed away from the TV #yawn #SouthernCharm.” Whatever could she mean? Kathryn admitted her drug problem to Danni tonight and Danni’s inside voice was like “Duh. We talk about you and how you had to go to rehab all the time.”

— Shep and Chelsea. First, Chelsea grew up on Hilton Head Island and left when she was in fifth grade, according to a story in CH2 magazine. Second, which means she’s totally the female Shep. She’s into hunting, fishing, surfing, drinking, dry humping, growing up on Hilton Head. But I already know it’s not going to happen. And I know this because Shep will only be ready for a relationship when he’s able to sit for four minutes without bouncing his leg. Once that leg finally stops bouncing, he will stand up like the Manchurian Candidate, walk toward the next girl who comes his way and, with his wrists held out to her, say “Fine. Cuff me.”

— Whitney Sudler-Smith. Seriously. I’m so tired of finding him attractive. I preferred it when I regarded him as the boy whose mom spit on his hair to keep it down.

Have a friend who is still catching up on Season 3 of “Southern Charm”? Here are my recaps from last season to help him, her, them, your mom out.

This story was originally published April 11, 2017 at 12:36 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: The night Landon Clements annoyed the Lord God Almighty."