Watch your backs, ladies. Cameran has hoo-doo and plans to find Shep a forever home

Naomie, Gizmo, Chauncey, Whitney, Patricia, Michael the Butler, Red-Shirt Mullet Man, Danni, Jen-kerchief, Craig’s spool organizer, Dr. Wren’s fetish dolls.

Shep, Cameran, Chelsea.

Landon, Thomas, Roam-guide.com, Thomas’ magically tight khakis, Kathryn, Austen, Home Craigonomics, Landon’s weird bangs that looked like forehead fur.

OK. I think I’ve finally organized this right.

I was worried there for a second.

I got to the end of tonight’s episode and was like “I hate all these people. I hate their ancestors. I hate their future generations. I hate that Shep’s birthday boat party didn’t end with a Somalian pirate attack and a widely distributed GoFundMe ransom-raising page with a humiliating $4 in donations.”

So I made a list.

I needed to know whether there was anyone left on “Southern Charm” that I felt like I could still root for … turns out yes.

The first set of names: You’re all still cool.

Second set: Fine, whatever. I still like you guys, too.

Third set: Yuck. Every single one of your is Roam-worthy.

To Austen: I know you don’t understand what Roam “is,” man, and I admire that in a human, but I assure you, you’re in the right category.

These might not be your people per se, but you should have at least mentioned to Shep that you were taking Chelsea out. Or is it Chelt-sea? Chelsea? Chelt-sea? Why were they all pronouncing it like that?

Anyway ...

“Roam-worthy.” Blahhhh. I mean, how does she even function? Roam-worthy? Joke’s on you, Landon. That’s not even the name of your freaking blog! And oh … BIG surprise … “Roam-worthy” is already the name of another travel site. Will someone please please please teach her what Google is? Will someone teach her about branding and launching a business and doing research to avoid duplication?

Will someone teach her that saying “Myaw … myaw” is not the way to offer a reassuring “Yeah … yeah” in a conversation?

Pop quiz: Which of these two things was more annoying to you tonight?

Annoying Thing 1: Landon ordering drinks as if she didn’t really want to ask for a cosmo and toast to living, laughing and loving.

Annoying Thing 2: Landon making it a point to say on-camera that she keeps her Roam identity secret like she’s the Pete Wells of Charleston or something. Ooooh. Undercover food critic! (More like “Avoider of This Conversation: ‘I’m sorry, did you say you needed the bath Roam? Oh! Rome! No, I’ve never been, but I’ve heard it’s really fun. Website? Noooo, I can’t say I’ve heard of that. What? I’m not Roam-worthy? Ma’am, what does that even mean?’”

My impression of Vail, Colorado, tonight: “Squeaaaaaaaaaaak” (Because they’re doing an impression of Landon’s dolphin laugh right now.)

And here’s the sad thing, Landon wasn’t even the biggest villain of the night.

That award goes to Kathryn.

While there is a small part of me that trusts Kathryn’s gut on this one — she must sense that, much like most children in Charleston, Jen’s baby has at least a 30 percent chance of being a Thomas Ravenel production — she was a horrid human being tonight.

Horrid.

Hug your crying friend, you maniac! Her baby had BRAIN SURGERY.

If Jen was putting on those tears just for “the show,” then may I be the first to say to the Academy, “Merrill Streep who?”

But first let’s discuss how Kathryn was wearing two different dresses in her Jen-lunch interview. One was blue, the other pink. How many days did she spend discussing this lunch? Did it really require an outfit change?

Now let’s talk about that handkerchief. I was like, THAT MOMENT IS WHY YOU’RE MAD AT JEN? ARE YOU ON CRACK, KATHRYN???

Oh, right. Sorry.

Anyway … oopsy. Good luck with all that.

But looky here, lady, the best part of the show was that moment when Thomas handed Jen his handkerchief during the Season 3 reunion, expressing his admiration for her strength and courage in carrying to full-term a baby that might die.

It was real and emotional. It was a reminder that all of this is dumb.

But apparently I’m wrong on that assessment. Apparently that was all just part of Jen and Thomas’ secret seduction scene that Kathryn cracked the code to.

“He handed her a handkerchief! I know what this means!”

Guess what, Kathryn. She’s not Dobby the House Elf. People can hand her things. It’s allowed.

Although, I guess in a way that handkerchief did set Jen free.

“You mean I don’t have to be Kathryn’s lackey anymore? Where were you people last year?”

Poor Jen. Just know, we all hugged you through the TV tonight, girl.

Other silly things:

— I’m just going to say it. Gizmo is Craig’s ideal woman. She has not asked him once about his plans to be a lawyer (by the way, he finally passed the bar! RIP Shep pointing out that you haven’t yet, though). Also, how cold was that that dinner Craig made Naomie by the time they ate it? And how many Apologies That Craig Owes Naomie are we up to now?

— Dr. Wren’s Fetish Dolls. I know you want to know this … those dolls are between $275 and $350 each. Oh. And this: “My dolls are frightening in appearance because they take on the characteristics of the creature that they are protecting us from.” I want to say something so mean right now, but I’m scared of hoo-doo so …

— Speaking of so, I mean, speaking of sew! I take back what I said about the Season 3 reunion handkerchief moment. Craig opening the Amazon Prime package with his new sewing machine in it was the best moment of the whole show. Hands down. I just didn’t see that coming. Honestly, I would have been less surprised if he had pulled out Gwyneth Paltrow’s head and screamed “This was in the bahhhhhhx.”

— Chances of Craig’s clothing line being code for “dandy man-clothes that come with a matching set of dandy cat clothes”?

— Pop quiz: Which most accurately describes Shep’s face after playing basketball with Austen? A. “My name is Elvis and I died on the toilet. You know why.” B. “Does anyone have a good cure for malaria?” C. “Remind me. How did the guy from ‘Less Than Zero’ die again?” D. “There are no goldfish in that tank because I just ate them all.”

— When Cameran told the cameras that she used to be a “white witch,” my face looked like the Dr. Wren “Utley” doll. I had so many questions for myself. Such as “Is she being racist right now? Is ‘white witch’ Southern for something? Isn’t a witch just a witch? Why does it have to belong to a country club and pledge a sorority all of a sudden?” Whatever the case, Cameran’s white witchery worked. Mama Estella got her pregnant with a girl. And that doll she bought Shep to help usher along his more permanent love life? I think it got him a spin-off.

Just catching up on Season 4? Allow me to describe the first four episodes for you.

This story was originally published May 2, 2017 at 1:17 AM with the headline "Watch your backs, ladies. Cameran has hoo-doo and plans to find Shep a forever home."