Liz Farrell

'Southern Charm' recap: Naomie brings a blue unicorn to water, but won't let it drink

I’m trying to think of costumes that would have been even more humiliating for Peyton to have been wearing while Naomie called her thirsty, other than a full-bodied, blue-faced unicorn.

Literally there’s nothing.

She could’ve dressed up as a colostomy bag whose greatest wish is to be a bidet and it would’ve been a more dignified costume to get yelled at in.

Even a “puppy on a broken crutch” costume would’ve allowed her to walk away from Naomie’s tirade looking less tragic.

Here are my issues with that unicorn costume:

• Not to turn this into an absurd Fox News-ian debate about what color imaginary Santa Claus is, but imaginary unicorns generally aren’t blue.

• Unless they’re My Little Ponys.

• In that case, say you’re a My Little Pony.

• Because that makes more sense than having to play the sad-sack self-deprecating card of “I know people think I’m Avatar, but I’m not” to Naomie, someone who, sad to say, looked more like Penny Marshall starring in a Russian spy thriller than she did Mia Wallace from “Pulp Fiction” (your wig was too long, girl, and maybe consider a little nose blood next time so people at least know to ask the question “Who are you supposed to be?” rather than just assume you’re straight-up Caitlyn Jenner’s ex-wife).

• Final Point: that harelip.

It’s the hare-lip that kills me.

Do unicorns even have harelips? And if they do, is now really the time for authenticity? Is that really the faithful detail you decided to stick with? You’re blue and you have pink wrist feathers, Peyton!

It’s almost as if she couldn’t decide between being a narwhal trying out for the Ice Capades version of “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou” or being a “horny sea witch” — locked in a fierce battle with Austen to see who can say “Get it? (points at costume, laughs at self)” more in a single night — and got so distracted by the internal debate she was having that she accidentally drew a purple line from her nose to her lip and was like “Fine. ‘Unicorn.’”

Let’s face it, though, Peyton could’ve come dressed as Gizmo volunteering at a food shelter for chipmunks (because how adorable would that have been? … until the chipmunk massacre) and Naomie still would’ve verbally punted her halfway back to L.A.

There’s something else going on here, right?

I don’t know what it is, obviously, but I’m going to guess it’s my favorite thing: missing information in Bravo reality shows.

It’s like Lala Kent’s argument with James Kennedy about his girlfriend’s pasta on “Vanderpump Rules.”

You could show me security footage of Kristen, Stassi and Lala stealing Raquel’s spaghetti one strand at a time that night and I still wouldn’t believe that the point of contention was strictly food-related.

“Pasta” has to be a euphemism for something else. I don’t care how many times the stars of that show “lol” us on Twitter about having conspiracy theories because, listen closely Pump Rulers, I don’t believe that a single one of you eats pasta ever.

I don’t even eat pasta! And I’m not the one trying to fit into dresses that have no fronts to them.

I really think I’m right about this.

Then again, a quick Google search just showed me that I was apparently the only person in the world to doubt that Jamie Gleicher’s prom date on “Rich Girls” was puking outside the limo because he drank too much “coffee.” Coffee?

I mean, maybe. I don't know. Maybe the “Laguna Beach” kids were drinking cucumber-infused water from red Solo cups that whole time too.

Anyway, I’m certain there is missing information in this Peyton situation.

Some theories:

• Peyton is a hanger-on who is exacting her revenge on Shep for not choosing her in “RelationShep” by forcing her way onto his show so she can get pregnant by Thomas’ dinosaur of a daddy and really change the dynamic of Shep’s friend group (now Shep has to get drinks with Arthur Ravenel and talk about Art’s hopes and dreams mwahahahaha!).

• Peyton has been trying to get on “Southern Charm” for years, and everyone on the show knows it. First she tried out for the part of “Bailey.” Then she tried out for the part of whatever Whitney’s German girlfriend’s name was. Then she was like “I can be Patricia’s sassy Swedish maid! Or a girl who walks down Shep’s stairs with bed hair! Or Thomas’ new nanny! You can change my name, my hair color, my laugh! I’ll do anything!” This is why Cameran, who never suffers fools, told her she looks like a Nordic alien on “RelationShep” — just to knock her down a level, show her what’s what. Then Naomie was like “Hold my drink.”

• Peyton is Craig’s secret sewing muse and she gave him the confidence he needed to make one pillow a night. Naomie — overhearing this at the party and realizing that a “pillowmaker” is just another word for someone who cuts material into two identical squares, sews three straight lines to attach the material, stuffs the material with cotton, sews another straight line and then expects applause — was duly annoyed by this but took it one step further in her mind and imagined Peyton whispering “You could use your cushions for my pushing” into Craig’s ear. That’s when Naomie flew into a blind, seemingly nonsensical, rage at the Halloween party.

OK. I might be wrong on all three counts but, as Thomas Ravenel would say in French, “Haw haw haw. Moi zon’t care!”

There’s so much to talk about:

— When Thomas Ravenel kissed his kid after changing his diaper (the kid’s, not Thomas’ ... surprising, I know), my heart was like “Now that is a great and kind man!” Then Thomas stood up and my heart was like “Hold up. My mistake. That’s just Thomas Ravenel, the guy under investigation for sexually assaulting a woman. I didn’t recognize him there for a second. It’s hard to see with all this skin and bone blocking my view.” #notagreatorkindman

— I swear “Southern Charm” is subliminally sponsored by Chick fil A and paper towels. Then again, it would be hard to pass up including a shot of Craig missing the wastebasket with his paper towel “ball” right as he’s trying to schedule an appointment with a life coach. What happened to that Uber life coach, by the way? I was looking forward to seeing a clueless college student show up at Craig’s house like “So you don’t need a ride? I’m sorry. I’m confused. Why do you think I’m a life coach again? Oh. Yeah. OK. From that one ride I gave you? I was just quoting Yoda … from ‘Star Wars.’ I thought you knew, dude.”

— Do you think, when Craig’s life coach said she wanted to see him "in his environment," it would’ve been more expeditious for Craig to have sent her the third season of “Entourage” with a Post-It on it that said “basically this”? Oh. And how much do you hope that the life coach’s first piece of advice is “Generally speaking, you shouldn’t block a fireplace with a couch, Craig”?

— When Naomie asked Shep who Peyton is, do you think he was like “Um, thanks for watching ‘RelationShep,’ Naomie”? Also, Naomie + Shep? Interesting combo, IMO.

Quote of the night (from a fabric store employee to Craig): “Hey, it’s pillowman!”

— Am I crazy? Did Craig pronounce “escape” “excape”? His list for that life coach is growwwwwwing.

— Also, I just realized that Kathryn needs to spend her entire life getting people to put "Kensie" before "Saint" in the phrase “Kensie and Saint” because the other way around sounds like “Satan Kensie” and these kids already have the last name Ravenel to contend with.

— On a related note, it’s not often that reality show viewers get to be proud of the growth they see in the stars of said reality shows, especially stars who started off by looking like Neon Little Mermaid at a Sugar Daddy Convention. In other words, Kathryn is killing it. “Kensie Dennis” and “Saint Dennis” sound like solid names to me.

— I can’t stop thinking about that platter of sliced rare steak that Austen’s parents served at dinner. I have this savage need to take it into a room alone, close the door and then eat it in a way that would get me arrested if it happened at Outback. Another thought: Craig’s parents and Austen’s parents should spec a new reality show called “The Trapped Parent,” in which two man-babies switch parents for a month to see if some tough love from strangers might be the ticket to meaningful change.

Poll: Is Austen’s career in brewing beer more likely or less likely to happen than Craig’s pillow kingdom?

Fun math: Austen’s dreams of having his own beer line TIMES Craig’s pillow dreams PLUS Thomas’ attempt at sex eyes EQUALS Gentry bourbon.

Least favorite thing about Bravo reality shows in which the stars’ main income is from the show: When the stars pretend they have no income on screen. We see you. You’re on this show. We know you’re getting paid for that. ……. Except you, Ashley.

— I can’t with the life coach calling Craig “cute.” I mean, he is. Really cute. I saw him walking near King Street once and was like “My goodness,” but madam! Him being cute is why he needs a life coach. He’s a fluffy kitten who has big plans to use the litterbox one day but for now everyone in his life has to watch where they step.

Thought of the night upon seeing the restaurant sign “Goulette”: “Please don’t be French, please don’t be French, please don’t be French. Noooooooooooo. I don’t want to hear Thomas speak French!!!!!!”

— Except, Patricia made it worth it. “Thomas speaks Pepe Le Peu French.” If a genie ever grants me three wishes, I will blow them all on Patricia-related things: I want her brain, her flawless skin and her son … I hate myself. What is wrong with me? I can already tell this reluctant crush is going to come back to haunt me.

— “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I think what Thomas, who always presents tired sayings as if he came up with them himself and as if his dinner guests are among the very first to hear his bon mots, meant by that is, “Why buy the cow when you can (allegedly) physically assault her to (allegedly) steal the milk and (allegedly) use your Ravenel-Bucks to make it all go away?”

Quote of the night from Thomas that made me double up on the old blood pressure medication: “Sometimes Ashley lacks subtlety. And sometimes that energy is overwhelming. (Blames it on being from the North).” Allow me, for just one second, to defend Ashley and all Northern women … YOU MET HER BECAUSE SHE POINTED AT YOU IN A BAR AND MOTIONED FOR YOU TO COME OVER AND THEN YOU MOVED HER HERE FROM HER HOME, HER FAMILY AND HER PROFESSION AND ARE PAYING HER BILLS, YOU PAST — AND PROBABLY FUTURE — FELON. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? I’m sorry. Is Ashley supposed to say “My, my, my, Mr. Ravenel, the flowers this time of year are simply divine!” as a standard response to his late nights, mystery texts and mixed messages until she ages out of his sex bracket and is left with nothing but a ticket back to California and some last-ditch less-than-impressive plastic surgery? I know his answer to that rhetorical question would be “.... Well, yeah,” but joke’s on him and his lack of true human companionship (fist bumps Patricia).

— Now that I know what Naomie is capable of, I am certain she murdered a toucan, turned it into a shirt and THEN went to the nail salon just to be like “Foreshadowing.”

Quote that had Thomas Ravenel nodding sadly at the TV: “Every time I touch myself I get green.”

— I honestly thought Austen was dressed as a rubber ducky that went to college. Then, after he explained it, I was like “Ohhhhh. He’s a rubber ducky dressed as a chick magnet. Got it.”

— How badly did you want Thomas to accidentally shave an eyebrow off? It was like COME ON, LIQUOR SHAKES! COME ON!

— I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what Chelsea was supposed to be and I don’t know what Kathryn was supposed to be either — unless “Call Ghoul” and “Got Molested by a Dragon” are correct?

— J.D. going as Trump is like Ernie going as Bert.

— I honestly can’t say enough good things about Austen’s food choice at his parties. His Halloween party had Nerds, Swedish Fish, Sour Patch Kids … five stars.

— I hope Kathryn took Thomas’ coat to the bathroom and wiped her lipstick off with it before spritzing it with her signature scent. If not, missed opportunity.

— Naomie ... like I said, she came at Peyton as if Peyton had borrowed her favorite sweater without asking, stretched it out and left it crumpled on the floor (and then seduced her ex-boyfriend). Was it a little nuts? Sure. But the quotable moments! Mwah. C’est magnifique.

Naomie ordering a drink from the bar: “That’s not Gentry, right?”

Naomie to Peyton (and proving that Southern women can also lack subtlety, THOMAS): “Why are you here?”

Naomie asking Peyton why she moved here (and honoring those of us who couldn’t be there to express this very thought): “Because Charleston is such a hub for dog boutiques? Come on, don't do this to yourself. Just be honest.”

Naomie to Peyton (and making the Mia Wallace overdose blood appear on its own): “Yeah, I am better than you.”

Naomie, probably not kidding: “This girl is about to get pushed overboard.”

— For real, though, I felt bad for that blue unicorn. It was her party. That she threw for strangers. So she could make new friends. As a fully hare-lipped unicorn.

— Oh ... 1,097. That’s the number of times Naomie said “thirsty.”

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