Do you think when someone suggested to Ashley that she move across the country to be on a Bravo reality show with her elderly boyfriend in Charleston, she heard something drastically different from what was actually said?
Oh, I do.
I think she heard, “‘Southern Charm’ will revolve around you and Thomas trying out for parts in the adult version of ‘Annie.’ At all times you will be auditioning for the role of Annie, but like whinier and more desperate, and Thomas will audition for the part of Daddy Warbucks, because of course — though we’re taking a real gamble with that one because we know at least some of the viewers are going to be like, ‘Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Is that you?,’ on account of Thomas’ occasional inability to stand up and his jokes about ‘broads.’”
Whiny old Ashley gave off some serious “leapin’ lizards” vibes in last night’s episode, all “You’re not going to put me back up for adoption, right, right, RIGHT? Wait! Have I shown you these moves yet, Daddy Warbucks? (Starts tap-dancing and grinning through the song, “Which Dress Should I Wear, Sir?,” and belting out the big finish “I CHOSE SHORTS … probably because you commented on my legs! How do I say this in Frenchhhhh?”).”
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I might have blinked at this exact moment, but I swear she vigorously shook Shep’s hand when she arrived at his birthday party and shout-talked at him, “Gee, mister. Thanks a million for invitin’ me!”
Then, when Kathryn got there and Thomas tried to put some spatter distance between himself and, let’s face it, Kathryn’s terrified prey, Ashley was like “No! Don’t send me back to the orphanage yet! Can I keep the dresses?!? … What about the shorts?”
Ashley basically assaulted Kathryn with that jazz-handed introduction, too: “I know everything about you! But, gosh, you sure don’t know who I am! Let me tell you about me, Little Orphan Annie! It all started when I got smuggled out of Santa Barbara by Mr. Bundles (as played by Austen Kroll) ...”
And again, maybe I blinked, but certainly not as much as Ashley was blinking during her earnest and awkward talk with Kathryn about her decision to move cross-country to see if her relationship with Thomas would work. I can’t even believe she tried to be like “Boyfriends! It’s a hard-knock life, amirite?”
Kathryn’s face was like “Jesus. Does this maniac think I’m Miss Farrell? … BECAUSE I AMMMM. Guess who she ends up with? With Daddy Warbucks, Ashley, you smidge!”
By the way, J.D. is Mrs. Hannigan, right?
And Shep is Sandy?
And Whitney is Mrs. Hannigan’s slicked-back, shiny brother …
Naomie is definitely Pepper!
And Craig is whatever orphan sews things through the night.
Here’s what I paid attention to in the second episode of “Southern Charm”:
— Craig is the only person in the entire world who can barbecue chicken and make it look increasingly more alive as it cooks.
— Hey everyone, what a surprise! Ashley likes the new nanny that Kathryn had no say in hiring AND she has a very subtle suggestion for how to have no nanny whatsoever! I don’t want to give her super secret plan away because she was so coy about it, but it rhymes with schmanipulate her way into becoming Mrs. Schmavenel, ie., a stay-at-home schmepmother or, oh God, did she mean she wants to schmadopt Kathryn’s kids? I think someone’s been sipping on Mickey Finns.
— Dumbest Ashley quote of the night (about Thomas’ choice of nanny): “I don't understand why you have to have Kathryn approve that.” Hmmm. She doesn’t read Inquisitr …
— Oh yeah. Despite how it looked in the premiere, Thomas apparently didn’t drink and drive to Shep’s party, which is excellent news for J.D. because he’s probably the only organ donor Thomas matches with in the greater Charleston area. Although, I suppose you can’t donate your kidney when you already sold it on the black market for keeping-up-with-Thomas cash..
— When Cameran showed up at Shep’s party I turned into Kevin McAllister’s mother waking up on the plane to Paris. “WE FORGOT CAMERAN!” I totally forgot she was on the show for a moment. We need more eating scenes. Or a separate show of her eating everything in sight and sitting by herself.
— Other dumbest Ashley quote of the night (to Cameran, who was nine months pregnant at the time): “Are you four or five months?” … I get that she was going for the “But you’re so thin still!,” which is kind of valid, I guess. Cameran carried that pregnancy wonderfully. But her compliment came off more like “PLEASE LIKE ME RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW! And also throw your giant baby body in front of mine when Kathryn gets here, OK?”
— Whitney, according to his mother’s Twitter, lost 10 pounds because he’s a vegan, which should totally shut down that rumor about how he, um, might enjoy some, er, “meat” here and there.
— J.D. calls Kathryn, Danni, Chelsea and Naomie “The Breakup Bunch.” Lolololololol. Just kidding. God, he and Thomas are so basic. What’s next? A joke about a smart blonde being a golden retriever?
— Turns out, yes.
— Moment when Shep caused Craig’s high school English teacher to plead with the TV, “Come on, Conover. Come on! Show that private school kid that you understand what he means!”: “Craig. We don’t have foil. You’re my foil. You’re my foil in life.”
— Craig: “You have a little foil.”
— Obituary: Craig Conover’s high school English teacher’s sense of purpose and his feeling of professional accomplishment died April 12 surrounded by shards of TV screen.
— Ugh. Whitney made us think about him having diarrhea. Why are vegans always talking about pooping?
— The show’s editors really had fun with the arrival of “The Breakup Bunch lololololol” by showing us heavy-handed cuts of Shep downing a glass of wine, the full moon emerging from a dark cloud, Austen looking away in fear and Ravenel muttering “Oh my God!” I guess splicing in shots of a wolf howling, crows flying off Shep’s roof and Whitney Sudler-Smith breaking the fourth wall by staring into the camera with a flashlight under his chin gasping “Mother!” would’ve been overkill.
— Another dumbest Ashley quote of the night (to Thomas who was casually whistling and moonwalking as far away as possible from Ashley and Kathryn): “Why are you walking so far from me?” … Answer: Because it's really hard to get blood and snarl juice out of white jeans, Ashley.
— Kathyn’s reaction to Thomas’ attempt at a double-cheek kiss (was he like in a French immersion program or something at his federal prison?) is actually a very difficult-to-master self-defense move called “Uncle Dave just whispered ‘We’re not blood relatives’ in my ear.”
— Danni’s shirt was major. Major! The front of it was like, “I’m at an outdoor dinner party with friends.” While the back of it hissed “Come closer, fly.”
— Craig when someone asks “When’s dinner?”: I’m not the chef. Why does everyone keep acting like I’m the chef?
— Craig’s face when Shep toasts him for “helping” with the cooking: But I was the chef!
— Craig when asked “Have you eaten yet?”: Oh, the chef eats last.
— Obituary: Craig Conover’s therapist’s ability to persuade him to take a really long hard look at himself passed away last night after a prolonged battle with running her head into a wall.
— Poor Shep, man. He just wanted everyone to have fun and to be nice to each other and to run the faucet for a full minute after doing it on his sink so he could wash his feet in his own bathroom without getting pregnant.
— OK. So. Kathryn and Thomas … Jesus! The CHEMISTRY between them. Granted it’s not the chemistry Craig has with his monogramming machine but it’s close. So so close.
— Is there anything more sad than receiving a promotional blanket as a birthday gift when the promotional blanket is from your friend’s failed business?
— Yup. There is! And that’s finding out the promotional blanket is actually for the person who gifted it to you just in case he gets kicked out of his “guest house.”
— P.S. I’m sure J.D. probably believes he’s saying “guest house” ironically but it’s not really translating well on account of his reputation of being a living-outside-his-means wannabe … isn’t his “guest house” just “another house on his street”?
— Good GOD. Seriously? Another dumbest Ashley quote of the night? (to Cameran, whom she JUST SAID LOOKED FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT): “You probably can’t see your own feet, can you?”
— Did Cameran say she eats like Roseanne because she was testing to see if Ashley would finally admit to being the new backup Becky? Am I the only one who thinks they look alike?
— Shep just says things sometime hoping they’ll come true, huh? “She looks happy. You do too.” Flash to Craig looking miserable. And Naomie pacing like she has emotional rabies.
— Kathryn’s expression at realizing Thomas left her out of the nanny-picking process was heartbreaking. Jesus, Thomas. Why is that fun for you?
— Most of us will live our entire lives without ever having an opportunity to let out such a perfectly timed and perfectly pitched dinner party guffaw like the one that escaped Naomie's mouth upon hearing J.D.’s fantasy story about how his separation is just one of those very sad and unfair things that happens to really good men like her. I salute her. Bye, J.D.
— OH MY GOD. Was I right? Did someone on that show have an STD at some point? And was that what Naomie was alluding to in the premiere when she mentioned to Chelsea that she feels like every single guy in Charleston has an STD? Ugh. Still no answers. But I felt like Shep and J.D. had a moment when J.D. talked about dating and Shep reminded him “Safety first” and J.D. was like “Safety first. Good call.” ........ Or maybe they were sharing a memory about ladders?
— Best Shep moment:
— Naomie and Craig’s reunion will go down as one of the best and most honest moments on that show. My TV was like “Stop HUGGING me! They’ll both be OK!”
— The penultimate dumbest Ashley quote of the night (to Thomas, her bathroom buddy): “You want to come in here?”
— Sooooooo. Why did Thomas go to the bathroom with Ashley? Hmmm. What could it have been? Hold up. OMG! Is Thomas Ravenel an actual “human tampon”?
His words! Not mine! His! I say things that make sense..
— And the final dumbest Ashley quote of the night (to Thomas about Kathryn): “Do you wiiiiiiiiish it worked out?”
— Obituary: Ashley’s fantasy of being the orphan Daddy Warbucks falls in love with died last night from self-inflicted knowledge. She leaves behind no stepkids, a full bottle of Mezcal and an unopened box of hair dye, color “Fire and Ice.” Arrangements are being handled by Deirdre the "Fired Nanny" Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers, please make donations to the Girl, Come On Now You Had to See That One Coming They’re So Into Each Other Foundation.
— Michael the butler is Punjab. He’s the only one on that show who could figure out how to hang from a helicopter using a jeweled turban.