Can somebody ask Michael the Butler for more paper towels, please?
One roll isn’t going to be enough to clean up the thousands of vomit piles he created by doing what he did to Cameran on TV last week.
That’s right. Last week. I’m a little behind on things — which I blame 50 percent on having to witness that inappropriate touching, 30 percent on receiving an email from Thomas Ravenel (who went from calling me a “human tampon” a month ago to now “getting my sense of humor,” which no thank you, sir, I’m not trying to have a prison pen pal), and 20 percent on being stunned after finding out that Craig’s master plan is to start a pillow company called Flawed Creation (How did I miss that?!? Oh, right. The same way he missed noticing there’s already a company called Flawed Creations that sells pillows. Good lord! What is he going to do? I’m stressed thinking about it!).
So about that foot rub … were you guys not freaking out during that?
I lost it — kind of like how Phoebe did on “Friends” when she accidentally witnessed Monica and Chandler making out.
I started off in denial like, “Surely I’m imagining that Cameran just asked for a foot massage from a man who mere seconds ago was listing all the ways food can be pureed.”
Then I became concerned for his humanity.
“Michael the Butler just agreed to this like he’s a Roomba and his clean-time scheduler just popped into action.”
Then I screamed.
That giant squirt of lotion he plopped onto Cameran’s foot seriously put my brain into the kind of mental state that, had I been born a Kennedy sister, would’ve landed me in the lobotomy chair.
You know, all I’ve wanted from this world is to be the kind of person who never has to think about Michael the Butler’s lotion.
I don’t want to know that he has lotion.
I don’t want to see that he knows how to use lotion.
I don’t want to think about how he probably has several helpful tips on how to get lotion stains off a couch.
Did we really need to see that foot massage, Bravo?
No. We didn’t. But at least it was educational. Here is what we learned:
- Charlestonians are still trading human beings.
- Cameran’s husband doesn’t massage his pregnant wife’s feet, which seems like a bold position to take when the woman is carrying his giant child around inside of her.
- Cameran doesn’t consider herself “well-to-do” despite being on a successful TV show, having a husband who is an anesthesiologist and living in a $1.4 million waterfront home. Whatever, girl. Shut it.
- And Michael the Butler agreed to rub those feet only because he was happy that for once he wasn’t being asked to Dumpster dive behind funeral homes for discarded formaldehyde or to meet up with Chinese gangsters in the basement of highway massage parlors so he can purchase black market stem cells. “I just inject this into her face, right? Sorry. Chuān shàng tā de liǎn?”
I promise you, one day we’re going to be watching “Westworld” and Michael the Butler is going to show up behind the bar of a saloon and it’s going to be like “Whoa.”
Actually, you know what bothered me more than the foot rub? Michael the Butler brought Brawny paper towels to Cameran’s house.
Why is he not using Viva?
Who’s the peasant now, Mr. Belvedere?
Here’s what else we need to talk about from the fourth episode:
— Something tells me Gizmo used to have to show Craig how to open a newspaper. He’s lost without that cat.
— Words that probably shouldn’t be said by someone with a Southern accent in regards to a domestic worker: “Michael is the best gift I’ve ever been given.”
— When Michael the Butler said “I always just find things to do and I do them,” I immediately pictured him, Patricia Altschul and Georgette Mosbacher playing hide and go seek together at Patricia’s mansion, all three of them wearing caftans. Michael is all “98, 99, 100. Here I come! (turns around and sees Patricia and Georgette standing right behind him; they smile and wave coyly without saying a word). You two! You were supposed to hide. I know, I know. ‘I found you.’ Guess I should have waited to iron those sheets (winks at us).”
— Quote that probably caused Naomie to go to Goodwill, purchase all the pillows Craig has given to people as gifts and light them on fire in the parking lot with her fist in the air: “I’m just trying to do a pillowcase a night while Sean and I are watching our shows.”
— I hope Craig’s life coach is Austen in a nourishing face mask and he just offers a bad impression of “Get to the choppa” as a solution to all of Craig’s problems.
— Wait. Was Gizmo Craig’s life coach before the breakup?
— Every time J.D. orders a Gentry and ginger I think, “They really should call that drink the Broken Capillary or the No One Likes You.”
— Math equation to help Ashley understand things more clearly: Thomas saying “I got a workout in this morning” + Thomas then giving J.D. the advice “If you’re single now you’re going to have to start hitting the gym” = Your boyfriend is single, lady.
— Did you pick up on how Kathryn said Patricia’s name? It was as if a producer had just shown her a GIF of Michael the Butler squirting lotion onto Cameran’s foot and Kathryn had to choke down whatever just came up in her mouth.
— I wish the editors had taken Kathryn’s declaration that she wants to make sure Ashley isn’t crazy and had immediately followed it up with a shot of Ashley silently eating Plan B eggs in bed.
— Are we sure Peyton likes dogs? Because Shep came into that restaurant like an eager golden retriever who’d forgotten he just had a massive diarrhea blowout all over her bed and she seemed like she was about one second from taking him to a kill shelter for that.
— If you ever need to seek revenge on Shep, download his iPhone contacts and give the list to Austen. And if you ever need to buy Shep a Christmas gift, get him a poker face. That guy cannot hide his emotions.
— Kathryn went to 82 Queen dressed like they’re remaking “The Matrix” with a female Neo and she got the part. When she cracked her knuckles, I couldn’t help but call my bookie. She was like “You want to bet on a Bravo fight? That happened this past fall? But is airing right now? Who is Ashley? Sorry ‘was.’ Who was Ashley?”
— OK. Ashley was super nervous and vulnerable at that lunch with Kathryn so I’m going to offer only constructive criticism here. Next time you move across the country for a drug felon who has the Google results of a Batman villain, who is the father of two small children with a fire-and-ice warrior princess and who you kind of just met, you probs should refuse to shoot scenes for his TV show unless you get paid. Really that’s helpful advice for any of us.
— Oh girl! I take it back. Ashley is a fakey fool. YOU KNOW KATHRYN CAN’T DRINK ROAARRRRRRR.
— Sign that Ashley is new in town and doesn't pick up on cultural context clues: “Do you have an iced tea?” Honey, it’s Charleston.
— If the image of Kathryn trying not to yawn as she has a make-peace lunch with Ashley were on a T-shirt with the quote “Does that say anything about the way things work in Charleston regarding men with money?,” I’d buy like 10 of them.
— OMG! Little Orphan Ashley is back! “This was probably the best part of my week!” … seriously? Maybe you should sign up for Pure Barre or help Craig with his pillows or just calm down. He's not sending you back just yet.
- Why did it take until recently for Shep to meet Cameran’s baby?
- Why is Chelsea’s dad the hottest guy on that show?
- Why does Thomas always look like he’s about to have an asthma attack whenever Ashley is talking?
- Why does Ashley think we believe her when she says she’s not worried that Thomas will cheat on her?
- Why does every camera shot of Chelsea, Danni and Naomie drinking in front of Kathryn seem like a scene from “The Office”? It always ends on Kathryn’s water glass.
- Why does Craig always look like one of Ken Burns’ haunted and sad “Civil War” soldiers? Every time he’s on screen I hear an actor’s solemn voice-over start up, “Dear Pa and Ma: We had a great victory at Harper’s Ferry. We burned the Yankees to death and they waved a white flag. Our regiment used everything we had. I have no blanket nor any clothes. I’m good on pillows, though.”
— Danni had a bruise on her arm. Is Thomas testing her too?
— Girls night on “Southern Charm” is “Sex and the City.”
— Boys night on “Southern Charm” is “Why is this meeting of the Bloated Liver Support Group being held in a bar? That seems ill-advised.”
— Best shot of the night: The Bloated Liver Club is talking about how to meet the ladies and Shep is in the background meeting the ladies.
— My impression of that conversation, by the way:
Thomas: I just go up to women, even with their boyfriends there, and I’m like “Mine now!”
Craig and Austen: That doesn’t seem, what's the word … ethical? Right? Respectful? Lawful?
Thomas: No, it’s good (hides rape allegation settlement papers under the table and shifts in his seat)
— Naomie’s psycho ex-girlfriend technique of tracking Craig’s every move via his iPhone location seemed smart, I’m sure, until she saw how many times a day he was going to Michaels.
— Austen after denying he’s hooking up with Peyton: “Clearly the cat’s out of the bag.” Shep proving he’s smarter than Austen: “What cat?” Craig, overhearing their conversation: “Gizmo! (starts sobbing).”
— Hmmm. Craig’s attempts at persuading Naomie to see things his way sounds so familiar. Where have I heard this before? Oh right …
— How much do you want to bet Naomie was Yelp reviewing that restaurant as Craig went through the stages of grief over their relationship? “Moscow mule on point. Guys here wear douchy sunglasses and seem weepy.” No really. How much? I have to call my bookie.