Yikes. Where to even start?
It was all so terrible and so great.
Last night’s premiere of “Southern Charm” was seriously like that Jennifer Lawrence movie “Red Sparrow,” in that it was 75 percent terrible acting (“So are you and that girl from ‘RelationShep’ still dating because even though we’re allegedly besties and it is months later, I simply have no information on this” … “I’m glad you asked, Cameran. We are not together. Here is why ...”) and 25 percent female badassery (starting with that fierce and feral blunt cut that makes Kathryn Dennis look like a high priestess of the Charleston fashion scene by day and, by night, a fire-and-ice warrior princess who growls things like, “That’s right, Thomas Ravenel. I gave myself a haircut using this dull machete, which I plan on murdering your spiritual village with because EFF YOU and your hypocritical custody agreement and your shady nanny-nnigans and your New Girlfriend from central casting”).
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Did you not want to puke at her Barbie-ing it up for that colonoscopy of a human being she lives with as if this were the dusty olden days of 2016?
Speaking of colonoscopies: Do you think gastroenterologists watching the show last night became suddenly serious when they saw T-Rav and J.D. and gasped at their TVs, “By God. Those are the biggest stage 4 malignant villous adenomas I’ve ever seen! They’re almost human-shape! It’s too late for treatment. We can only make them comfortable until the end,” only to realize “Wait, cancerous polyps look healthier than that. What’s wrong with these men?”
Because what a bunch of sad-sacks the “Southern Charm” guys were, right?
Here is a breakdown to catch you up on their lives:
- Craig and Naomie are over because Craig still acts like he’s an insecure freshman at a New England boarding school who is now in jeopardy of losing his (“please please don’t tell anyone I’m here on a”) scholarship because he blew all his book money on bitcoin and confectioner’s sugar that he thought was coke and now has nothing to study from.
- Austen dunked an Oreo in milk and, I’m pretty sure, either did a highchair dance before eating it or thought about doing a highchair dance before eating it — no matter which, he’s fine with you knowing it’s snack time at the nursery school of his life.
- J.D. cried because he and Liz are separated now and he tried JUST. SO. HARD. TO. DO. THE. RIGHT. THING. AND TOTALLY DIDN’T CHEAT ON HER OR SPEND MONEY LIKE A PIRATE OR DRINK TOO MUCH OR ANYTHING UNTOWARD LIKE THAT. Aboohooohooooooo.
- Thomas is still making that joke “Want a screw … driver?” like a real nursing home perv. Time to get a new act, Beauregard.
- Whitney appears to have had some microneedling done or some hydrofacials or maybe he’s added a super expensive moisturizer that has the stem cells of a lonely rich boy who has a brand new stepfather to his nightly skincare routine. One of those three things has caused him to have the much sought-after taut and shiny skin of a perpetually startled-looking Upper East Side octogenarian. Or was that just the sheen of a man who’s afraid we know he’s Dracula?
- Shep is not with Bella, the sophisticated but young winner (were there winners though? when you think about it? were there?) of “RelationShep.” They’re not together!?! Hold up my jaw for me, please. They lasted five days because Bella only wanted to spend two of them with him, which means she clearly didn’t love Shep, a stranger who was basically the take-home prize from a gameshow. Also she liked to go to bed at 11 p.m., which was a huge problem for Shep. Hmmm. Can someone slip the definitions for “weekend” and “job-holder” into Shep’s word-a-day calendar, please?
- Where the fluff was Gizmo? You ruin everything, Craig.
And on the stronger, more empowered side of the street:
- Naomie and Kathryn for co-president because YES. Those women brought out the filing cabinet last night and were like “Hmm. Let’s organize our receipts on camera, shall we?” They were all, “Shep made me shower before we had sex.” “J.D. lives across the street from his kids and sees them once a week, also he pretends like he’s the upstanding dad but … we know what he did.” “Someone on this show has an STD, which I never explicitly said, but I think viewers could read me on that.” “Mmmm. Yeah. These bruises are from the frequent and regular drug and alcohol tests my babies’ father, Thomas Ravenel the coke felon, makes me take in order to see my own children.”
- Landon wasn’t there! We can finally watch this show without scrunching up our faces and punching our couch pillows while screaming “THAT MAKES NO SENSE, YOU DUMDUM.”
- Chelsea was like “I’ve never had righteous feminist rage before a birthday dinner before but what the heck! I’ll have a bite! Mmm. Delicious.”
- Oh and Patricia has a “promise ring” the size of an obese pug from some mystery man named “Mr. C.” (Michael the butler winks at us and mouths “It’s me. …. I’m Mr. C ……. She paid for the ring herself. …. Oh my God, It IS an obese pug. ……….. She cremated it and turned it into a diamond. …….. The ‘promise’ is that when she dies I’ll spray her face with decoupage glue before the coroner gets here.”)
Holy battle of the sexes this season is going to be so good.
Here’s what you need to know about the premiere if you expect to go anywhere in life:
— But first, a word from “Southern Charm’s” sponsor … Chick fil A.
— I was happy to see that Shep’s We’re Going to Grandma’s House hairstyle has finally been remedied. I wonder if he misses those daily Facetiming sessions with his mom when she talked him through her four-step spit-licking process. “And now you pat yourself on the head and say, ‘Go wash your face, son’ and you’re done!”
— But seriously, his hair looked great. I’m a check-plus on those sideburns even.
— Craig …. smh. He’s starting to look like a battered lacrosse stick. Sweetie, drink some water so you can swallow whatever pill you need to take to calm down, please. Now granted, that barbecue thing was kind of forced on him and I hope it wasn’t a setup to humiliate him, but Lord. Even the cat on his cat T-shirt (wtf?) was like “Ribs? Really? You honestly think he knows how to use a smoker or that he knows how to time manage ribs? By the way, I’m his Gizmo now. And ‘yes’ to whatever question you want to ask about that.”
— Thomas’ new house seems rather recently built …… so why does it already seem haunted?
— Oh yeah. Ashley.
— Whenever Thomas talks to his nanny about his disgusting sex drive I picture her getting woken up in the middle of the night to put cold compresses on his Cialis malfunction while he stares at the wall and cries, “Don’t take me to the ER again. Don’t call Daddy!” Meanwhile a 21-year-old College of Charleston student is standing near the door like “I thought you lived in a better house. When did you say my Uber is getting here, Deirdre?”
— Quote of the night (from Kathryn, because duh): “Thomas is lucky his new girlfriend is a hospice nurse ... that's going to come in handy.”
— I already miss Craig’s boatneck shirts.
— It doesn’t matter how young the girls Shep dates are, he will never seem as old as he seemed when Austen asked “What age did you stop caring about birthdays?” We could all hear the implied “Grandpa” at the end there .... He’s 38, not Methuselah.
— OH MY GOD. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THESE TWO? Austen and Shep saying that Chelsea can’t have her cake and eat it too is like two male rats seeing a female pigeon and being like “She’s eating off the sidewalk? That is not right!”
— You know … not to get deep here, but this season is already working on so many feminist levels for me. I swear Naomie pounded Time’s Up and #METOO pins into her co-stars’ bare chests before filming started.
— Has someone started a GoFundMe account yet to buy Whitney some lost maternal hugs? No? How is he ever going to get over that time he was in England at boarding school and his mom sent him a telegram that said “I don’t know if you noticed but I sent you to boarding school so I could do things, well I did a thing. You may call him ‘Papa Three.’”
— Not to continue to insult J.D. and Thomas but when they were at J.D.’s house drinking Gentry and talking about J.D. marriage woes, didn’t they totally have the facial expressions of two men struggling on the toilet while holding hands under the stall and saying things like “I’m here for you, man. I won’t let you die in the bathroom”? No? I’m not sure what’s wrong with my eyes ….
— Best part of the episode: The shot of Craig’s midnight monogramming madness. He looked like Amadeus … if Amadeus had been known for writing people’s names in tiny script on wrinkled aprons.
— Second best quote of the night: “That seems so absurd. I've never heard of that before.” Shep trying to understand why he made it to 38 before encountering someone who wants to light a smoker with sticks and newspaper.
— Those Shep, Craig and Austen barbecue scenes … God help them if there’s an apocalypse. It is a literal draw on who will call their moms first to be like “How do I buy suppliessssssssss?”
— Say what you want about Austen, but make sure it includes “That boy can pick out party food.” He had chips and dips and nothing that seemed raw or undercooked or tainted by chicken juice.
— I love you, Naomie, but that backwoods company actually pronounces it “La CROY.” But you’re right, it should be “Le Qwah.”
— How does Thomas manage to make moments of affection in a relationship seem like something that should be reported to HR?
— Dumbest fake innocent quote of the night (from Ashley): “Am I dressing for Kathryn?” You knew, girl ….
— Did Thomas drink and drive? I don’t even know what to say about that … I wonder what his custody papers say about that.
— What would you do if you found out this whole time Ashley was Landon? I KNOW!!!!!!! What if she rips off her face and is like “This was a mask, you backstabbers! I’m not a Realtor in L.A. I’m in love with Thomas because we like real estate and traveling and art and horses and rereading the four blog posts I paid to have ghost written for me and sharing tips on rosacea medicines and having to choose between smiling or seeing …”