Oh, hello. Don’t mind me.
I was just in the middle of listing things that are sad, creepy and perverted.
Where was I?
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— Writers of dead-serious fan fiction in which Kermit and Miss Piggy get nasty: “Let’s see those bacon bits, Miss Piggy” “Slow down, frog. How about you show me your tadpole first?”
— Madonna’s Instagrams about her teenage son — pre-him running away.
— Oh, and Thomas Ravenel in a short robe.
Really any guy in a short robe. I’ve yet to see one who doesn’t make me picture Grover from Sesame Street pretending to be Burt Reynolds in Cosmopolitan magazine auditioning for the role of Larry in the 1980s sitcom hit “Three’s Company.”
It’s amazing how fine the line is when it comes to seeing exposed hairy legs in a short robe. It’s either “He’s a super sexy professional soccer player here to impress me” or “He just took a Levitra and is now lecturing me on the signs of cardiac arrest and instructing me on how to use his unconscious thumb to unlock his phone so I can call his brother in case of emergency. And now he’s lecturing me again. Blah blah blah. ‘Do NOT call my wife this time. That wasn’t funny.’ Lol. Yeah, it was.”
So let’s rank the most unsettling moments from the T-Rav and Ashley morning-after scenes, shall we? (I mean other than the part where we were all like “How did that chewed-up old bedroom slipper steal a bathrobe from a spa?”)
I’ll list these moments randomly and we can choose together:
— When Thomas made that disgusting joke about slipping some Plan B into Ashley’s breakfast. Typical Southern male politician feeling free and fancy to make decisions about bodies that aren’t their own. I mean seriously! I’ve had it with them. Although … maybe he should put Plan B in her eggs? It’s her choice! It’s her choice! Not his! But like … circumstantially … it might be smart in this case to do that, right? (Unpins “feminist” button from work bag while berating self.)
— When Thomas said, “I got myself a real woman with a real woman’s heart” and then pawed at Ashley’s heart area like a real Scumbert Scumbert. Again, this is basically word-for-word behavior from Section 15 in the instruction manual, “So You’ve Chosen to Wear a Short Robe, Have You?”
— When Ashley cooed, “You love me, you love me a lot” to Thomas. Pssst. They’re supposed to tell YOU that. Ashley, and then you tell them that or vice versa. But YOU don’t tell YOU that. That’s called “fooling yourself.”
— When Thomas said, “They don’t call me the impregnator for nothing.” Oh, no, sweetie! They don’t call you that. They call you “Isn’t that the old man from that show with Kathryn Dennis and Shep Rose? The old guy who (fills in blank with personal story about seeing Thomas at a bar one night) and we were like ‘What a jerk!’”
— When Thomas said, “When I have a lady over, my typical routine is to make coffee and eggs” instead of “When I have my girlfriend over …” Hate to break it to you, Ashley. He still sees you as “in the rotation.”
— Which is why you are nuts, girl. The rhythm method? With Thomas Ravenel? There is only one recommended prophylactic when it comes to short-robe wearers: first, you take your birth control pill, then you get in bed with him, but don’t touch him. Instead call him up on Skype using a laptop covered in Press N Seal Cling Film. Start some sexy stuff before he can ask about the laptop. If he insists you stop this nonsense now, giggle then kiss him so you can get close to his giant ears. Now hum the full version of “I Wish I Was In Dixie.” He will fall gently but immediately asleep with a soft and almost lovable smile on his face. While he is sleeping, splash your face with bourbon so that your makeup is partially washed off, pull your own hair, vomit a little onto the pillow and start thinking about the saddest moments in your life — besides this one — so that you can cry a little and act confused about where you are when he wakes up. This has to seem real. Unless you don’t want breakfast in bed?
— Oh my lord. The correct pronunciation for “menstruation” is “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. THOMAS, SHUTTTTT UPPPPP.” Why is he so obsessed with period stuff?
Yeah. We can’t possibly rank these unsettling moments from the least to the most. Let’s just call it the same way the Ravenel family called the Civil War: a tie.
Sidenote: We really need to chip in on a gift basket or something for Thomas’ producers and TV crew — something that includes blindfolds, earplugs and cyanide pills.
The moments worth mentioning from last night:
— Cameran was all “Here’s my baby shower guest list” and Patricia was like, “Keep it,” and I was all “Cameran, read her book.”
— Quote that sent Whitney to therapy clutching his tear-stained stack of telegrams from boarding school (from Patricia re: being pregnant with Whitney): “I wasn’t enthusiastic about it.”
— No matter what you say about Kathryn or Thomas, their interactions with their kids are always fun to watch. They both become three-dimensional people in those moments. And how cute was Kensie saying, “Sainty”?
— Ashley without makeup seems like a lovely person with hopes and dreams. Sorry! I’m just being honest. She had a moment.
— Until she said this: “A baby makes a good relationship great. And a bad relationship worse.” Gee. Whoever could she be referring to?
— Oh! I didn’t include this in the unsettling moments because we need to discuss this separately: Ashley is already talking about kids with Thomas? Mon dieu. Here’s why I’m harsh on this poor girl and not on Kathryn for choosing the same man. Kathryn was young, not just in age but in spirit, when she met Thomas. I get why she fell for the guy. He was handsome. I’m sure he seemed fascinating. He didn’t have kids. And, most importantly, she didn’t have the benefit of seeing his abhorrent conduct, sauced up behavior and pervy jokes on TV first (other than that time he was on the news for his coke charge and subsequent prison sentence, but oopsy that's like rich boy rebel-level fun). Now she knows better, but she’s in too deep! Ashley, on the other hand, was like “Hi, my name is Ashley. Nice to meet you in this bar. (Minute passes.) Bye, bye, profession! Bye, hometown! I’m going to move in with this guy who is my dad's age from that show who can’t grow up! Also he has two little kids and a scary mama bear nearby! It’s going to be fun! I’ll send a postcard!”
— You know how I go back and forth on my Whitney crush? His scene with Cameran and the birthing coach sorted all that out for me. It was like “OK. I know he thinks he’s dressed like a Beastie Boy right now, but I’m seeing Royal Tennenbaum” and then from there, with all his awkward and gross comments, I was like “I think we’re done here.” I will say this, though, I know he looks like a short-robe wearer, but I don’t think he is one. He tried so hard to act like a pervert around Cameran, but he sounded more like Billy Eichner using a bro voice to read the “Austin Powers” screenplay.
— Still Whitney is kind of cute. Ugh. Why do I think this?
— Poor Craig. Did you notice that he has at least two sewing machines? I know he’s begging the universe to find men sexy right now, but I really think he should focus on a career in pillows.
— I’m still into Shep’s hair. I think it’s much improved. Though, I think I saw a tongue mark on the front of it at one point. Who is licking it into place for him? Reveal yourself, cat woman.
— Here’s a joke that only Shep would make and probably laugh about several times later: “Grill Shakespeare.” Ha. It is kind of funny, actually. Especially because Craig probably thought he was quoting "Clueless," not Hamlet.
— Have you ever noticed that Chelsea has the sartorial style and personal demeanor of a 36-year-old single mom with an adult son? Whenever she talks I picture her coming home from her night job at the bar she's worked at for 10 years and finding her ruggedly handsome rednecky ex-husband all bruised and bleeding outside her mobile home and I see her, without a word, tending to him, using a bowl full of soapy water, a rag and a soft and sugary-toned lecture about how “You can’t go around hittin’ everyone who says they want to sleep with me, Billy. Now, I’ve fixed up the couch for you. You’re in no shape to drive. But you’re out in the morning.” And then lighting a cigarette for him and one for herself before kissing the top of his head and saying “No more nonsense, you hear?”
— It's sad that Cameran can get better browning on her baby stomach than Craig could get on his whole roasters.
— I can’t tell if Austen is actually unemployed or if he’s pretending to be for the show, which employs him.
— Everything you need to know about Thomas Ravenel’s soul can be found in how he stores his father’s phone number in his iPhone. Most people call that number “Dad.” He uses the full name and includes the “Jr.”
— My wish for Ashley is that she saw the scene in which Thomas talked to his dad about her and that she understands how much he made her sound like an item he had purchase and shipped from California and now stores at an off-site facility that his bookkeeper pays for.
— Quote that makes no sense to me because I’m a Northerner (I think that’s the reason?): “If you can’t eat it, spend it or make love to it, you got to laugh at it.” What's "it"? What does it all mean?
— Dear Martha Stewart: I’m not sure if you’re into “younger men who are aimless and lack follow through,” but I think (I think) I have met your soul mate. His name is Craig. He’s very sweet. Definitely cute. He sews and loves specific seeds. Oh! And he’s a real estate investor. He owns two houses! If you’re interested, embroider the word “Yes!” on a pillowcase and mail it to Craig’s agent. Craig will respond with his own embroidered pillowcase, one that has four suggestions for a first date location. Circle the suggestion you like in pink thread. Mazel. ”
— By the way, I’m fully FULLY on board for Craig’s sewing hobby. Sew away, little night wizard. Sew away.
— Heartbreaking quote of the night (from Craig on moving away from Naomie): “I can make my pillows as much as I want without someone making fun of me.” Do it, little buddy!
— I KNEW KATHRYN’S RED DRESS WAS GOING TO LEAD TO T-RAV SEX!
— Speaking of, I wanted Chelsea’s dog to pick the red dress, but then when she got to the Slim Aarons party I was like, “Yeah. That dog didn’t really understand the concept, did it? Luckily Chelsea made that decision.”
— Fun Insta-revenge fact?: While Kathryn was busy not being invited to the Slim Aarons party, she posted this.
— Best slam of the night (from Craig, frantically piecing together that teddy bear at the last minute): “Lady, your pattern sucks.” I want to say he wasn't talking to himself but ...
— Notes on the party: Ashley is still Annie-ing it up with her Radio City Music Hall arrival; Thomas tried to make Whitney’s outfit choice pervy and Whitney took it right back to “Gilligan’s Island” level (this is a classic short-robe vs. long-robe conflict); and Austen, who looks like Fred from “Scooby Doo” on a good day, looked like Fred on Slim Aarons Day.
— Craig brought Patricia pillows.
— I know I should say more about this, but my head is still cocked and I can’t stop blinking.
— Bringing homemade pillows as a hostess gift is REALLY NICE, GUYS. That was so amazing of him.
— Except it’s also kind of like “Here, I brought you something to take to Goodwill.”
— Michael the Butler is currently apologizing to Patricia for waking her up last night with a shrill and prolonged scream prompted by what he saw on Bravo, “WHEN YOU SPILL ROSE ON A CARPET, MR. CONOVER, YOU POLITELY TAKE THE BUTLER ASIDE AND WHISPER ‘I AM A PEASANT WHO MADE A GRAVE GRAVE MISTAKE’! EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS!”
— From now on I’m ejecting myself every conversation I don’t want to have with “You know what? Someone just came in. You’ll have to excuses me.” Like a fighter pilot in distress.
— I love Naomie, but who sees Patricia serenely nibbling on a cookie and thinks “Now. Now is the time to ask her about Kathryn”? Seeing Naomie wait for Patricia to come back to the dining room made me have to look away from the television.
— I don't want to talk about the cake.
— I don't want to talk about the "tiny heinie."
— I don't want to talk about that smirk on J.D.’s face, which looked like a tiny heinie coming out of a uterus made of macerated strawberries.
— I want to talk about Craig and how we all sat by and watched him get laughed at about that bear, his sewing and his lack of follow-through while he was in the other room getting berated about his sewing and lack of follow-through by Naomie, who needed to take it out on someone because MY GOD THESE PEOPLE. I mean, yeah, I probably would’ve laughed at him too if I were there, because that gift was so perfectly symbolic of his sweet but hapless personality, but I don’t feel good about that. I don't feel good at all.
— Michael the Butler does, though. “‘Blot as much of the stain as possible. Create a mixture by adding one tablespoon of dishwashing liquid and one tablespoon of vinegar to two cups of warm water. Apply small amounts to the stain using a clean, white cloth. … After the stain has been removed, sponge the area with cold water and blot dry.’ How about you embroider that on a pillowcase, Craig? You serf.” (Blots carpet with Craig's pillow-gifts).