‘Southern Charm’ recap: Kathryn cries. Landon cries. Shep deserves to cry.

Yikes. I feel like I need to go see Craig and Naomie’s therapist after the stress of tonight’s episode, but that’s not going to happen because I don’t own a single thing in periwinkle.

I’m not even joking here … what do you do if you’re wearing periwinkle because you’re Naomie and you’re feminine AF but then you go to couples counseling only to find that your therapist is ALSO dressed in periwinkle, as is your silly silly boyfriend?

Me? I would sit back, close my eyes and say “Yes, Barney” and “Yes, Grimace” as a response to everything until one maniac or the other says “Wha … ohhhhhh.”

By the way, I’m so glad that Craig’s boat-necked facecloth sweater made an encore. I didn’t realize how much I have missed it over these past two weeks. Where’s it been? Off-shore market trading?

Actually, what is with this cast and their repeats? Cameran is like fuchsia fuchsia fuchsia. There’s Kathryn in her pink Herve Leger bandage dress. There’s Kathryn in her blue Herve Leger bandage dress. What else? Oh. There’s Shep in his ShepGear. There’s the re-ginghaming that I don’t want to talk about because aliens are apparently real. There’s Whitney’s shiny vampire tux … or was this the first time he’s worn that? Whatever the case, it’s hideous. I truly hope he’s hosting a game show for the undead in that thing otherwise it was a real waste of casket lining.

Back to my original point, that episode gave me a case of the sad-sads.

Also, I got choked up a little when Landon started crying. I KNOW! I know. I know.

But I think she was sincere in that moment? Kind of?

At first I was like, “Do you need some tap shoes, Landon, so you can exit stage left on this lucrative job offer from your dad? Also, this is literally real estate, girl. Isn’t that like one of Clavenel’s shared core interests?”

You know, along with architecture, horses, Mason Pearson brushes, Wellies when it’s not raining, ordering drinks like you’re in the Make a Wish program for ordering drinks, maybe sleeping with other people’s boyfriends, definitely laughing like a broken bug zapper ... OK, so I added a few. I just felt like expanding her list.

Really, though, I honestly thought she was just trying to get out of work because she thinks she’s too good for it. And I still think that because duh.

But good Lord.

That little breakdown moment of hers when she tells her dad she wants to do this on her own and make her website work ... let’s just say a montage of all the horrible things I’ve written about her over the past few years played in my mind.

To this song:

Then I snapped out of it.

I think it’s because she said “I’m betting on me,” which sounded a little too Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” for me. I know she was going for Oprah but (slow head shake).

Ugh. And then there was Kathryn.

I flat out cried. I know what this makes me. It makes me a loser who gets emotional at “Southern Charm,” but how could I not? Kathryn’s baby wanted her mama. That whole scene was just painful and heartbreaking.

And you know what, I was crying before that kid even cried. She was so happy having both her mom and dad together ... and Kathryn was so happy ... and Thomas laughed like he wasn’t the creep who created this mess in the first place ...

OK. Shake it off. Let’s reset our brains with something funny ... Thomas’ poetry book. WHAT COULD BE IN THAT?

Oh. And “Read me a poem!” You know Landon was hoping for a real Bridget Jones moment there.

I have to know, did he write those poems or is this like “his poetry book” as in he owns it because it came with the house?

And if he wrote those poems, did any of them sound like this?:

Biological father, left me in the cold, when a few months old

A father’s child was greater than gold but I guess not

You brought me into the world but you’re not my dad

Mess around with those drugs makes my moms mad

So we left you with no remorse or pity

Took the first bus from Newark to Jersey City ...

She said you want me you gotta take my son

Or else its like a hot dog but without the bun

Guess what, he accepted, responsibility he never left it

He kept it, he kept it

Allow me to quote Hugh Grant on this one, “Eff me, I love Shaquille O’Neal.”

The other stuff:

— Thomas and J.D. When those two hang out it looks like they’re either waiting for the nurse to hook up their arms to the 750ml of IV hydration or they’re waiting for their turn in the F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Liver Lookalike Contest. (If the judges are considering faces only, then J.D. wins. If they’re looking at food falling out of mouths, T-Rav wins ... yeah, we saw that, sir. You’re a mess.)

— “Roam is taken. I’m going to have to find a new name. Isn’t that crazy?” is Dolphin for “I don’t know how to use Google. It’s my greatest shame.”

— Did Key West sponsor this episode? Between Landon’s dad saying he’d prefer to be there than in the car with her and Cameran choosing KW as her birthday destination trip, it seems like maybe there was a little incentive thing happening. Regardless, I cannot wait for that episode.

— “Well. This is a lot. I didn’t think you were going to hit me with this. I thought this was your thing and I was just tagging along” is Dolphin for “I just put in my resume for Marrying Rich, though.”

— Shep looks adorable when he eats salad and reads Jack Reacher novels.

— Shep does not look adorable when he’s acting like a basic bro.

— Quote of the night: “I feel nothing towards anyone and it’s been that way a long time.” First draft of Shep’s Christmas card message

— I’ve been meaning to say this for a while but I LOVE CHELSEA’S VOICE. Her voice sounds exactly the way I imagine my shirt would smell after hugging Dolly Parton.

— Runner-up quote of the night: “I’m not a J. Crew bitch.” Kathryn, which prompts me to ask “Who is then?,” which prompts me to answer it myself with “Oh. I think she’s kind of saying Landon is.”

— Kathryn’s dismissive wrist-flick to Cameran’s sudden friendship was as wonderful as the Hannah “Bye” to Ashley on “Southern Charm Savannah.”

— NOT the quote of the night: “Should we offer Kathryn some alcohol …” Cameran, which is why she deserved that wrist-flick

— Austen paused a little when Chelsea asked him about his relationship with Landon, right? That was a pause. And some stuttering. Along with a vicious case of Fred Face. Even Scooby Doo suspects something not right there.

— Now let’s talk about that boy drama. I was so so so uncomfortable watching that. Not only because of the tension but because I can’t look at Shep and Austen without thinking we’re at the part of the movie when we find out they’ve been the same person all along. Like the end of “Fight Club” when we found out poor old Ed Norton had been hitting himself that whole time.

— When the waitress asked them if they wanted a “real glass,” I was like EVERYONE DUCK NOW!

— For one moment there, Shep was caught in a sandwich of emo fury with Craig and Austen, which he totally deserved. And wow. I’ve never seen someone go through all the “basic bro got caught being a basic bro” stages so quickly before. First there was denial. Then there was the pretending he did this to help his friend. More denial. Revising history. Downplaying the truth. Turning it around on the accusers. Yelling. Walking away. Blaming it on “maleness.” Saying confusing things that seem like Beastie Boys lyrics, “If I don’t know, how can I know?” Throwing another friend under the bus. More yelling. Admission. Defiant admission. Lack of remorse. Which reminds me, WHEN DOES “RELATIONSHEP” START? He totally seems ready to love another human ... eek.

— New quote of the night: “Craig, I am no Lothario, my friend.” “You think I know what that (effing) means?” Shep then Craig, highlighting the actual problem with their friendship

— Speaking of ... pescatarian! I didn’t know you were religious! LOL. Awwww. Stay adorable, Craig. Or, more accurately, stay Barney.

Catch up on previous episodes of “Southern Charm” here and “Southern Charm Savannah” here.

This story was originally published June 13, 2017 at 12:43 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Kathryn cries. Landon cries. Shep deserves to cry.."