‘Southern Charm Savannah’ recap: It was Ashley in the library with the candlestick

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I think I want to come back as Hannah Pearson in my next life.

And I have lots of reasons for this.

None of them are Louis.

Obviously.

I’m not trying to be mean about her choice in men. I’m just saying that I’m all full up at the inn in terms of the number of sock references I’m willing to hear in bed.

Plus, for whatever reason, every time he appears on screen, my brain tends to interpret him this way.

At any rate, Hannah was on fire tonight. FIRE. And I hope she is currently trademarking the way she said “BYE” to Ashley. I would gladly pay licensing fees just to have the pleasure of dismissing someone so appropriately.

But Hannah, Hannah, girl … when you’re at a bridge party in an old Southern mansion and a woman dressed like Mrs. Peacock from Clue asks you to go to “the courtyard” with her, the answer needs to be a firm and loud “Never, no, not tonight, I want to live, I like my life.”

Though, I have to say, in this instance I’m glad you said yes because how else would we have seen that fight?

And what was that anyway?

“You can’t be in fashion because I already am”? This is like that time in season 4 “Vanderpump Rules”when Ariana Madix found out Kristen Doute was in a sketch-comedy group and was all “I take comedy very seriously … People can’t just DO it.”

Er, yes they can, Ariana.

And yes they can, ASHLEY.

Can you imagine if this were the actual rule, though? Like if only one person in any given social ecosystem could have any given career at any given time?

Catherine would constantly be like “Excuse me, but are you doing NOTHING? Doing nothing is my thing! Please stop doing nothing immediately.”

There’s only one possible explanation for Ashley’s behavior toward Hannah, by the way, and it’s “Fashion was my storyline, Hannah!”

But she couldn’t exactly say that on camera because it would be too meta, so she instead had to pretend this was about some commonly followed code of professional ethics, which is why everything she said to Hannah sounded like total nonsense.

Ashley basically dug a grave for her enemy, then fell into it herself. And, man, did she try to claw her way out of it.

“The No. 1 rule in business is that you don’t step on people’s toes.”

Um, the “No. 1 rule in business”? That’s not even the No. 1 rule in ballet.

The No. 1 rule in business is “beat your competitors,” you maniac, which sometimes means stomping on their toes and getting your toes stomped on.

(The No. 1 rule in ballet is “Don’t eat that.”)

Here’s the silliest part of Ashley’s argument, though: You can’t swing a dead fox stole in Savannah without hitting someone who is in fashion. Have you been to Savannah’s thrift stores? It’s like a who’s who of T-shirts that should be 50 cents but are, in fact, $7,000 because they know you’re going to take them home, bedazzle them in an ironic way and put them on Etsy using an account called Chevron Owl Cupcakes.

Oh! I almost forgot. My favorite part of Ashley’s grave-clawing was when she said “You can’t just wake up and decide, well you can …”

It was so much fun watching her brain sprint toward her mouth in an effort to stop it from saying that.

I could see the whole thing so clearly. Her brain was out of breath and clutching a manila file folder with the words “Ashley’s Feelings” written on it and was like “Nooooooo! We’re trying to be a bohemian hipster punk, girl! We firmly believe that anyone can wake up and decide to do something on a whim! Check our tattoos! I’m sure one of them LITERALLY SAYS THIS.”

Honestly.

I would tell Ashley to get a clue, but she clearly already has one.

Or I guess it would be written more like “a Clue.”

And because she already has this Clue, I feel obliged to remind her: Don’t bring a candlestick to a revolver fight, Mrs. Peacock.

Think twice before taking on a woman who has three sisters.

In case it wasn’t obvious, Hannah had been training for this kind of fight her entire life.

She was a verbal samurai tonight.

Of course, her “wax-on, wax-off” was probably more like, “IS THAT MY SHIRT?? I KNOW YOUR LYING FACE! STOP STEALING MY CLOTHES WITHOUT ASKING!”

Other fun bits from tonight:

— I totally loved Bravo’s portrayal of this cast’s version of what it was like post-Hurricane Matthew. They picked up like two trees and grunted. Hannah had to dress like an anarchist because she didn’t clean out her fridge before she evacuated. And then they were like “We should like totally host like a fundraiser or something …” For some reason, it reminded me of MadTV’s parody of “Laguna Beach.”

— OK. So … Hannah and her sisters, huh? Hattie, Hyatt and Hillary? Really? If they didn’t refer to themselves as The 4-H Club growing up then that was a missed opportunity. And if they didn’t, at some point, consider forming an all-sisters a cappella group called H-Bomb then we split that atom for absolutely no reason whatsoever, America.

— Would you rather … be the only woman at a party (where people kind of hate you or assume they’ll hate you) wearing a fascinator? Or look and act kind of like Dauber from “Coach”? I know which one Lyle picked.

— Somewhere out there Paula Deen was shaking her fists at the heavens tonight and screaming “MRSSSSS. WILKESSSSSSS. Foiled again!” I have no idea if those two are mortal enemies but I do know they’re stepping on each other’s toes. Right, Ashley? Right? Because they both serve mac and cheese.

— Quote of the night: “Uhhhh … yeah.” Happy’s reaction to the woman in that mesh-star bathing suit thing was all of our reactions to the woman in that mesh-star bathing suit thing

— Would you rather ... go to an oyster roast hosted by someone who grew up in Atlanta and clearly doesn’t know about safe-serving? Or suck the air out of Nelson’s sad social anxiety float?

— Awwww, Nelson’s mom! First, I love biscuit eaters. OK. I am aware of how that sounds, especially because I just remembered that Hannah tried to cover her biscuit in an earlier episode and it annoyed me that she called it that, but I don’t care. I’m talking about the food here and I’m talking about it with some jam or maybe some honey. And second, I thought Nelson’s mom was going to be clueless and indulgent but she told Nelson what was UP. She was like “Son, let us pray, let us eat, always apologize, watch your mouth, value your friendships, (subtext: REMEMBER WHAT YOU LEARNED IN LIARS CAMP), can we have a Halloween party, little boy? Oh. No dessert for me because I’m going to eat those biscuits that are probably in my purse because I’m no dummy.”

— And Nelson. Oh Nelson. You totally knew the S-word stood for the N-word, so stop acting like you had no idea how offensive you were being. How do I know you knew? Because you said “My S-word” to Daniel with an affectation like you were homies. Sorry, Bow Tie. I just Apple-Z’d your history revision.

— Best Daniel moment: “You’ve reached the voicemail of Daniel Eichholz. Do not leave a voicemail.” In the words of Nelson’s mom, “Amen.”

— Oh God. I’m sorry. It’s just too good. Here’s Mrs. Peacock smoking a cigarette! Why does this crack me up so much ...

Catch up on previous episodes of “Southern Charm Savannah” here and “Southern Charm” here.

This story was originally published June 12, 2017 at 11:01 PM with the headline "‘Southern Charm Savannah’ recap: It was Ashley in the library with the candlestick."