‘Southern Charm’ recap: Shep Rose for president. Landon Clements for an Oscar

Wow. Landon really redeemed herself in tonight’s “Southern Charm,” right?

I was so impressed!

Maybe she’s done with the whole Annoying Thing.

No seriously. We really got to see a softer, kinder and more authentic side of … hahahaha. Oh God. I tried. I so badly wanted to pull that off with you guys. I really did. I wanted you to think I had lost my mind, but I do not have Miss Cringe Clavenel’s talent for fakery.

Because what a narcissistic maniac that one is.

“All I need to do is say the word and I could marry Thomas and have all the horses in all the fairy princess lands!”

Girl. Then do it.

What were we supposed to do with that information anyway? What did she want us to think? “Ooooooh. Tell us more about how easy it would be for you to get Thomas to marry you when Kathryn Who Gave Birth to His Babies couldn’t seal the deal. Clearly, the only conclusion for us to draw is that Landon MUST BE BETTER THAN KATHRYN!”

Ugh. OK. I can’t with her right now.

I need a minute.

Instead, let’s talk about Shep.

He looked so proud when Cameran was making things right with Kathryn that it almost broke my heart. He was like a little boy who got his parents to talk again.

And what a peace accord.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw Kathryn roll up to the California Dreaming restaurant looking like Che Guevara lost his beret.

(How else to explain that army green coat? I can’t just say “army green coat.” That’s hardly trying.)

Hold up. I need to make an aside about California Dreaming: What the heck is that place? I looked up the menu so I could harshly judge it but then I saw they have a “basket of croissants” as an appetizer.

You had me at “basket of croissants,” California Dreaming, but then you got me to marry you at “with honey butter” (just like Thomas will marry Landon the moment she orders him from the Man Menu).

“I’ll have a Thomas Ravenel with the Occasional Threesomes in the Guesthouse and Frequent Drunken Crying Jags Because His Father Doesn’t Seem to Love Him. And bring me a little dish of horses, real estate and architecture on the side. We both love that! Oh! I almost forgot! Hold the Kathryn!”

Breathe, Liz. Breathe. We’ll get to Landon in a second.

Anyway, I was struck by how young Kathryn looked sitting across from … Fonzie? That was Fonzie, right? Zombie Fonzie? Fonzie Who Was Preserved By the Bite of His Vampire Mother?

Sometimes Whitney looks (I’m about to gag because I gag when I say this) really sexy (now I have to pray and take a bath in holy water) but in his Fonzie coat he straight-up looked like a middle school guitar teacher who got fired for wearing that jacket.

But what a great moment.

Kathryn’s response to hearing that Whitney is in love was hilarious. As was Shep’s impression of Craig attending a meeting of Wannabe Lawyers Anonymous.

For one hot second it was like St. Elmo’s Fire.

I’m not really sure why they didn’t order that basket of croissants, though. It’s puzzling.

Other fun I had tonight:

— Whoa, Shep and Chelsea. That moment in the salon was like a scene from a movie. Like if “Sweet Home Alabama” were about a lost puppy of a man returning to his hometown with the intention of a getting a redo with the woman he abandoned at surf camp. What’s Craig talking about “there’s nothing there” between Shep and Chelsea? The words those two exchanged in that salon were script-worthy. They were loaded and tense. Chelsea was all “Didn’t ah just cut you-or hai-ayr?” and Shep was like “So many girls out there are too basic for my vocabulary skills (but not you)” and then Chelsea was like “Ah cain’t get no wahn with you. I’m on the clock because I’m just a workin’ woman is all!” and Shep was like “Rock out with your CLOCK. OUT and then let’s ask Landon to borrow one of her horses so we can ride off into the sunset together.” It was so romantic. And super plausible.

— Another solid Shep moment: When he pointed out the hypocrisy in how the crew has been treating Thomas compared with how they’ve been treating Kathryn. Thomas gets a pass for his sloppy drama while Kathryn must sew a big C for crazy on her turtleneck dress just because she went to rehab and is the kind of woman who notices that “periwinkle” is not a color a man suggests for a nursery unless a shady woman named Landon who is coincidentally wearing periwinkle at that very moment suggests it to him. (That was a real turning point in Season 3.)

— Shep for president? I mean … why not?

— Cameran’s husband’s name is saved in her phone as Jason ICE Wimberly. That’s “in case of emergency,” which I learned after my friend’s estranged wife called him once and it came up as ICE Wife. I was like “Yikes. That’s harsh, man.” Then he explained it … though for him it really did work on both levels.

— Thomas needs a 14-second hug. When his father, Arthur “I’ll give you $10,000 for a boy child” Ravenel Jr., said he might not make it to his grandson’s first birthday party because he “has to have a tooth pulled,” I wanted to look that old man up in the phone book (because you know he’s probably still listed there), give that grump a call and be like, “You’re 1,000 years old, you heartless Huguenot. I think you can wait to go to the dentist (because, if we’re being honest with ourselves, chances are high that this problem will resolve itself ‘in your sleep’).” I mean, I’m not a gerontologist, but I’m just saying ...

— I’m pro-Naomie but that was a disastrous celebration of Craig’s delayed graduation from law school. No wonder he’s so in love with Gizmo. (By the way, you know those Garfield Minus Garfield cartoons online? The ones that make Jon look loony? I sometimes picture Gizmo Minus Gizmo. It would just be Craig talking to his hands, “What to see grandma and grandpa?”)

— Was Craig wearing a boat-necked sweater made of periwinkle facecloth to a golf course? Or were my eyes just wishing for things again?

— OK. It’s about to happen. I can’t keep avoiding this. I have to fully address the Landon situation tonight.

— Hold on. Let me pull my hair back.

— And take my earrings out.

— And rub Vaseline on my face.

— AGAIN I ASK, HOW DID YOU NOT GOOGLE YOUR IDEAS BEFORE COMMITTING TO A NAME FOR YOUR PRODUCT? When she giggles at the camera and is like “That’s my fault (NO FREAKING DUH!). I’ve never incorporated a business before!,” the silence that came out of my mouth after that … you have no idea. That is the equivalent of deciding to name your website about dogs “Pooch,” and thinking “I’m sure no one has thought of this common name for a dog before.” Worse. It is the equivalent of trying to register “Pooch.com” and getting a message back that says “Pooch.com is taken already by someone else” and responding to that by changing your site to “Pooch-guide.com.” This isn’t about a lack of experience. It’s about a lack of, God I don’t even know … a lack of having a clue? A lack of trying even a little? A lack of knowing how to do basic things?

— Her interview outfit even got on my nerves. I hate the neckline. I kept picturing that one pool party two-piece she wore with that same neckline and the unfortunately placed crotch stripe on it. By the way, it is a testament to my humanity that I haven’t run that picture of her with these recaps because I totally could have. Bravo provides that photo to the media to use freely but I’m like “No. That’s horrible. I have limits.” Luckily my limits do not prohibit me from linking to it here.

— Furthermore, I do not understand a person who, as we’ve established, gloats about how easily she can get a proposal from a man but then tells that same man what a horrible catch he is. How wretched do you have to be to tell a man who is taking you out to dinner and hoping for the best, “I can’t be with you because you’re old, a felon, had unprotected sex with a psycho and I care what people think about me.”

— Here is what people think about you, Landon, WITHOUT BEING MARRIED TO THOMAS:

— Sidenote. If it wasn’t abundantly evident before, it should be now: Homegirl ABSOLUTELY told Shep’s Yot.me pals that she doesn’t mess with millionaires, only billionaires. I 100 percent believe them.

— Hey, suspiciously-already-mic’d Soulmate Lady at the Next Table, go eff thyself. Ooooh. Thomas was right! That does sound so “intellectual.” (Gah)

— Tell me that every moment after a server asks Landon what she wants to drink isn’t terrifying for you now. Tell me that you don’t cover your ears and shrink back and say “Oh God! Why can’t she just casually say the name of the drink and not make it into a thing?” Every. Single. Drink she orders is a g.d. production.

— Oh … her break-up with Baby Boyfriend. My God. I felt exactly how Kathryn must have felt watching Jen Snowden cry about her baby. I was so close to being like “Truce. Truce, Landon. Truce. It’s going to be OK. Truce! TV hug!” because her tears were tragic. I genuinely felt her loneliness in that moment. I genuinely understood the sentiment of just wanting someone to walk your dog with. But then she made that joke about “Look at me! I’m crying into a chicken wing” and I was like “Ha ha, Bridget Jones. You almost had me.”

Catch up on previous episodes of “Southern Charm” here and “Southern Charm Savannah” here.

This story was originally published May 29, 2017 at 11:29 PM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Shep Rose for president. Landon Clements for an Oscar."