This past weekend, “Southern Charm” grande dame Patricia Altschul attempted to throw a Slim Aarons-inspired baby shower for cast member Cameran Eubanks, whose baby is due in a month.
Altschul, author of “The Art of Southern Charm,” a book on etiquette and hosting, was likely imagining a stylishly colorful affair that gave a chic historic nod to the rich and fashionable lifestyle of the 1960s leisure class.
She got that. Mostly.
Leave it to the boys of “Southern Charm” to downgrade the situation, though.
On Saturday, cast member (and Hilton Head Island native) Shep Rose posted a photo from the baby shower. In it, he is seated next to Eubanks, who is holding a cake of a baby ... being born — literally.
Like a baby very much in the process of emerging into this world.
The cake was commissioned by “Southern Charm” creator and former cast member Whitney Sudler-Smith, who is also Altschul’s son (and favorite person).
“The cake maker had to be generously persuaded,” Rose wrote. “And she may never recover.”
Seriously. Let’s hope the baker has the number for a good frosting therapist, who specializes in Southern euphemism.
“What brings you here today?”
“A fancy man paid me to ... I can’t say it. I can’t!”
“This is a safe space, miss. Have a tissue. Now, start from the beginning. What did this fancy man pay you to do?”
“The fancy man ... gave me money to arrange macerated strawberries into the shape of a bloody vag- ... a bloody birth canal ... and then stick a naked dollbaby with a stunned expression on its face into the bloody vag- ... bloody birth canal ... and then frost-draw the beige borders of a vag- ... a woman’s biscuit ... around the bloody vag- ... bloody birth canal. I insisted the rest of the cake be chocolate-frosted! I INSISTED!”
As you can see, there was nothing Slim Aarons-y about this cake. Nor was there anything Patricia Altschul-y about it, but the woman does have a great sense of humor so all is good.
“I had nothing to do with ordering this cake ....NOTHING!!,” Altschul wrote on her own Instagram page (which, by the way, has a photo of a McDonald’s cheeseburger and plain (plain!) sundae that I think Altschul actually might have eaten on a glossy tray from the back of her Rolls Royce or Aston Martin or Bentley or whatever it is — I know nothing about rich people’s cars — while her driver got silly with some nugget sauce in the front seat. Nugget sauce on the dashboard! How gauche!).
If you check out the guests who tagged the party — which was held at Altschul’s historic mansion, the Isaac Jenkins Mikell House, in Charleston — you’ll likely have some questions.
Such as, where was cast member Craig Conover? His girlfriend Naomie Olindo was there, dressed as a 1980s Jazzercise instructor, her words, not mine.
And where was cast member Kathryn Dennis? Surely, they’ve all buried the hatchet, no?
Oh wait. Here’s a photo she posted Saturday.
And another one ...
That’s a Slim Aarons photo on her wall!
What is going on?
Better get the Scooby gang on it.