I’m just going to cut right to the chase here.
I did my research. The Red Shirt Mullet Man from tonight’s “Southern Charm” is Walker Trull, a Charleston musician who apparently also goes by the name “Crab Claw.”
But thanks for nothing, Bravo. I swear you put more effort into telling us that Craig’s cat is a cat.
I mean, honestly. What kind of self-respecting reality TV network puts a Red Shirt Mullet Man into a scene — making him the very obvious Fourth Guy in a conversation among three cast members — and then doesn’t explain his existence?
Hallelujah for the Internet and Shep’s Instagram, though, because my very educated guesses as to his identity were just a bit off. Just a hair off, just a mullet hair off, if you will.
— Walker, as it turns out, is not Achy Breaky Bootsy, the much talked-about Billy Ray Cyrus impersonator from Eastern Europe whose birthday concerts have been called “upravo tako glup” and “nije bolje nego biti gluh” by the Croatian karaoke guild.
— He is not Shep’s time-traveling penpal, here to bring sexy back.
— He is not the ghost of a man killed during the filming of “Boogie Nights” that only I can see.
— He isn’t Landon trying out a new personality because her other one sucks.
Well, that’s how long that lasted.
I tried. I tried to make it through this recap without feeling compelled to say something that might hurt Landon’s feelings because I really don’t want to do that (reason one, I’m actually not as mean as all this sounds; reason two, she’s really not that bad IRL, from what I understand; reason three, mainly I want to avoid getting another scathing email from her), but glorious earth, she makes it hard.
So I’m sorry, but what the heck did she wear to Naomie’s fundraiser? She looked like Mrs. Roper on her way to an Austin Powers theme party.
On anyone else, that look would’ve worked.
But on Landon? I want to shake her and say “People who wear outfits like this can’t get mad at the people who point it out. Also, stop trying so hard.”
Enough about her, though. If I wanted to dwell, just know we’d be talking about Thomas’ dining room table and how “if it could talk” it would be saying “Squawk. They did it on me,” or we’d be talking about Landon’s dual front-end, back-end vocal fry that makes my ears cry blood tears even though I’m a feminist who thinks women should speak however they want to speak or, lastly, we’d be talking about her comment on how her baby boyfriend doesn’t appear to have a job.
Girl. Show us the fish you caught today.
I said “fish” not “case of always being the victim.”
Pass me my broom, Salem! It’s onto the others!
▪ You saw T-rav do the fat boy squat to get into his jeans, right? He and Chauncey the Pug might need to go to Jenny Craig together. I’m sensing another spin-off. Watch your back, RelationShep Rose. “Two old dogs learn new tricks in Bravo’s upcoming series ‘Thomas and Chauncey: Wanna Bone?’”
▪ Whitney’s smile. I hate myself. I really do. But I’ve been infected. I think I must have dreamt that he bit me with his baby vampire teeth and now he’s my sire. I’m in love. He’s smart and perpetually amused, my two favorite things. He knows that a “projectory” is not a “trajectory” no matter how convincing Cameran made that sound. And “The only similarity Craig has with my mother is that they breathe air” is the kind of insult that deserves to be embroidered on a pillow that Michael the Butler can slip under Patricia’s feet after a night of too much consomme.
▪ Whenever Kathryn shows up on screen with no makeup (ie., no eyebrows), I feel like we get further proof that she’s the only person on the show besides Shep who is off-the-rack real — or as off-the-rack real as someone can be on a TV show. The girl blushed when the modeling agent asked her if her kids were model material, for goodness’ sakes. I know the agent called her “fat” and “old” in Southern, but forget all that, Kathryn is gorgeous. OK. Gorgeous except for in that one interview. Someone needs to rip the Kim Kardashian Sparkle Kontour Kollection out of her makeup artist’s hands. Did we learn nothing from Lala Kent in the Season 4 “Vanderpump Rules” reunion?
▪ Who the bloop bloop is Daisy? Why did she ask Shep to make out, then skip away to go find a “real man,” and then play whisper footsy with Thomas Ravenel? And who was her friend? I’ve never seen a port wine birthmark on hair before.
▪ Twitter says it isn’t Cameran’s business whether Shep lied about the extent of his hook-up with Chelsea. But I disagree, because I think Chelsea and Cameran are keeping a secret from us. I think they’re Sweet Valley High twins.
▪ Austen gets less screen time than Gizmo, Craig’s cat-therapist. So remind me, what is the point of Austen? What are we supposed to do with him? I honestly keep forgetting he’s a real man and not a cartoon. In fact, every time I search my brain to reconstruct his face, I get this.
▪ Does Thomas Ravenel think I didn’t notice he stole my mom’s reading glasses? She buys those at Marshalls, bro. Get your own pretty pair.
▪ Whenever Landon and Craig share a scene, an angel quits its job. (Because the angel is like “Why the hell do I have to work if these two maniacs don’t have to? No one told me I could be eating charcuterie and whining about Shep telling me things that are true about myself right now while I last-minute order a giant piece of paper just so people feel important for attending an event.”)
▪ Naomie’s dress? Amazing. Naomie’s work ethic? Flawless. Naomie’s choice in boyfriend? Sigh. Well, she seems to really like him. I hope he apologized to her for ever doubting that she was on her side. Naomie doesn’t mess around. Though she must be a little “Shep-curious,” no? He has that salty ocean hair and every once and again a girl needs to run her hand through something other than American Crew pomade.
▪ “How about a cock ... tail napkin?,” says Thomas Ravenel, a man who is on the hunt for a mature and real woman that can also be a stepmom to his kids, yet thinks he’s going to get there with the jokes of a 12-year-old boy and the look of someone on the third day of a dodgy and frustrating Cialis side-effect.
▪ Did you guys know that “Southern Charm” is a TV show? I literally just found that out. This whole time I thought I was watching home movies. Thank you, Landon, for clearing that up for me. Now I see my mistake.
Just catching up on Season 4 of “Southern Charm,” click here for more recaps.