‘Southern Charm’ recap: Landon might not know how to pronounce her own blog and other moments

OK. So … did Landon mispronounce the name of her own travel blog?

I think she did, guys. I really think she did.

I have watched part two of the reunion twice now and I swear she said “Tro-var” and not “TroVAR-ay,” which, according to every Italian on HowToPronounce.com, is the actual way you should say “Trovare” — not that I’d expect Landon to have researched that in any way.

Not that I’d expect her to be the kind of person who doesn’t hastily choose a blog name to replace another hastily chosen — and already taken — blog name.

So thank goodness she has her real estate license all renewed up and ready to go now.

Because you know what they say, those who can do, those who can’t are Landon, so good move on her part.

I just hope she knows that “house” isn’t pronounce “hou.”

And if she doesn’t, no one tell her because every time I think “Oh boy. I’ve misjudged this woman” she’ll say something dumb about travel, deny behavior we’ve all witnessed and then blatantly not pick up on the “tone of the room,” which is “when someone is an addict and says they went to rehab for their marijuana use and then doesn’t include any other drugs after that, the polite and classy thing to do on a reunion show would be to look downward so the audience knows you’re not believing this one-drug story, but can also see that you’re too nice of a person to embarrass the rehabber in this moment and not, you know, to sneer at the person and say, ‘Is that all you went to rehab for, Kathryn?’ just because you’re the Betty to her Veronica.”

In other words, Landon doesn’t deserve our pronunciation charity.

So back to Tro-var for a second.

I searched her blog’s name on Twitter (by the way, Google “Trovare” and “Twitter” and watch how her site doesn’t come up) just to see if anyone else picked up on this because I would hate to malign someone for something they did not do.

Alas, no one was talking about Tro-var.

Or rather, no one was talking about her blog, not one bit, so basically I was left with a scroll of actual Italian tweeters using the word “trovare” in normal everyday ways (the most prolific of which was a business called Toogles, which led me down a very confusing international rabbit hole … what do you suppose “cognitive intelligence as a service” means?).

Oh! I also went to her blog’s Twitter account (you forgot to block me there, you thin-skinned rascals!) and saw that two tweets in to her 70 tweets total (!) was one that said “Thanks! Saw that and edited. Have a great weekend.” I assume this indicates a typo of some sort got fixed somewhere, which, if you’ve followed my relentless critique of how Landon has handled this travel blog over the course of this season, you’ll know is highly likely (she was sharing the wrong URL the day the blog premiered on an episode, y’all!).

Anyway, I could be totally wrong about all of this but I don’t think I am, so if someone ever asks me “Did you grab your floppy hat and closest friends and go to the Hamptons?” I’m definitely going to be like “Uh-huh. I take all the advice I learn on Tro-varCO-dot-com.”

And they’ll be all “Is that a site for toy trucks? A prescription drug for sea sickness? A woodsy-scented cologne from Moldova?”

Other fun stuff from tonight:

— Do you think Andy Cohen actually watched this past season of “Southern Charm”? He is a perfect man with a rich and fulfilling life so I assume he did not. I’m also assuming this based on his seeming lack of enthusiasm for and his dearth of interest in this group during this latest reunion. In fact, I’m not entirely convinced he truly enjoys this cast. If I had to rank this reunion in order of the cast members he likes from the most to the least, I’d say it would go: Sheppy, Austen, Cameran, Whitney (LOOOONG PAUSE) Craig, Sen. Thomas Ravenel, Chelsea, Jennifer, Naomie, Kathryn (EVEN LONGER PAUSE AND A SIP OF BOURBON AND A DECADENT YAWN AND ASKING SOMEONE FOR THE TIME) Landon. I know! I know your tendency will be to think “But Andy loves fabulous and Kathryn is so fabulous” but no. I think even she might bore him a little. Evidence: When Kathryn started sniffling over Thomas’ description of his future home from the Dad of the Year collection (that will have swingsets and sandboxes and thousands of nannies to service him and hold him while he weeps), Andy said in a very uninterested voice, “This is not easy for you to hear, I guess” to Kathryn, which is basically English for the blah blah blah hand motion. Granted, this is nowhere NEAR as bad as when Landon started getting all wobbly-voiced over defending Kathryn in Key West. Andy was like “Why did you do that?” and Landon was all “Because I lived it!” and he was just like “Oh. ‘You lived it.’” AND THEN PRESSED NO FURTHER AND SHOWED NO CURIOSITY. Hey, maybe Landon’s elucidation of the “living it” was edited out, but I can only go by the bits and pieces left on the screen, can’t I?

— Why was Whitney on this at all? What exactly did he contribute?

— Kathryn’s hair. Let’s talk about this because she and I (and I’m sure a lot of other women) suffer from the same “one false move and this pretty hair look is OVER” syndrome. We’ve seen this happen on the show. Kathryn will get to a lunch or a birthday party or whatever with hair on fleek and then the camera will return to her and suddenly it’s like “But that lump wasn’t there before!” On the reunion, Kathryn’s gorgeous style would go from absolutely perfect to “Oh no, she just tucked it behind her ear in a huge chunk” back to perfect and then “Did she just brush it flat?” And God. I feel that. This happens to me all the time. Especially when I’m anxious. There are so many times I’ve gone from beach waves to full-on Emo Philips or stylish middle part to Jesus, I’m Mary Todd Lincoln. I think this is why we all love Kathryn. She is gorgeous but real and her self-deprecation is comforting.

— What did Thomas mean by “You will never work again”? Was that honestly supposed to be a threat? You know when Landon overheard that she was like “Threaten me next! That’s what I want ...”

— Speaking of Landon’s hopes and dreams, did you hear how fast she defended Thomas using the back house for the kids? “The front house is like a museum!” Calm down, Heather Mills.

— Craig comforting Kathryn was adorable though, right? That little arm pat made me want to hug him. But I have to take back the second-place fashion award that I gave him last week. There were white buttons on that jacket! Hey look, I gave him points for the nicely tailored jacket even though it was in Donald Duck blue. And I reserved those points even after I saw the white buttons on the front of the jacket, but then he moved his arm (likely to pat a teary Kathryn on her arm, which again swoon) and three big white buttons on the cuffs? Oh no. No. Too much. I’m sorry, but those white cuff buttons would even make Daisy Duck be like “Yeah, I have to work late at the Bow-tique tonight, so I can’t get tiny bits of bread floating in water with you anymore.” She’d go home that night and be swiping right on Goofy, thinking “I guess I’m changing my man-vest policy.”

— The facial expressions were too much. I’m so sick of the subtext. It’s great that these people know each other so well but when they smirk or suppress a snicker I think three things: 1. The person talking is lying; 2. There’s another story here likely involving substances, circumstances and elements that can’t be caught on camera because of Johnny Law; and 3. The camera’s just on Landon’s face and that’s how she operates. Facial expression of the night goes to Kathryn, though, when Andy started out by praising Thomas’ fathering skills and then read a comment from a viewer who was like “Mmm-mmm. I see what’s happening.” Kathryn’s face went from eye-rolling to “Thank you, stranger” in a hot micro-sec.

— He fixes them breakfast in his millionaire kid hut! Lol!

— Hey, ladies: If you’re between the ages 35 and 39 ... LUCKY YOU. You fit the exact window of natural aging that pleases Thomas Ravenel’s upstairs head area AND his downstairs head area, even though we all know he’s lying because those four years are ALSO TOO OLD FOR HIS SELF-WORTH, which is totally tied to the kind of young woman he can pull. So you better hurry! Time is a-ticking. Act now and you can get a bourbon-soaked man who has custody of the two babies he had with a 21-year-old that he ran over emotionally and controls legally. You can live in his front house even! What happens when you turn 40? Oh, sweetie ... that reminds us. What size cow costume are you? And are you allergic to grass?

— Kathryn and Thomas, though ... their chemistry reminds me of these two dorks in my high school who gratuitously made out in the hallways between classes. We all had to step around them and try not to look.

— Landon’s reaction to Shep’s gentle assertions that she wasn’t “behaving well” the day she met with the Yot.me guys tells us everything we need to know about the Yot.me guys. I 100 percent get why she’d be annoyed that a room wasn’t booked for her. And I totally get why she wouldn’t want to sleep on a boat with strange men. But hey, Landon, profeshy women double-check this stuff before they get on a plane. The question “What hotel am I staying in?” is a great place to start. That gives you plenty of opportunity to be like “On the boat? No. It was my understanding my accommodations would be taken care of. Is this not the case? Then let’s rethink this now so I don’t waste anyone’s time.” The right response isn’t to insinuate on national TV that you felt unsafe sexually.

— “I could tell it was her handwriting” is why our country is in the state it is in right now. What a genius! Oh ... and if you want to watch the thin-skinned space-time continuum fold in on itself, check out Twitter’s reaction to Andy and Shep mentioning Trump’s thin skin just once and then check out the reaction to me pointing this out.

— Shep’s question to himself “Is Landon getting too big for her britches?” can easily be answered by considering her views on luggage (I’m so bored by that I’m not even going to talk about it) and flirting with her friends’ and acquaintances’ man-loves. For real, can someone teach Landon the difference between a “happy go lucky” personality that is friendly to all sexes and gratuitously touching and leaning on someone’s date while throwing in little pee-on-him comments meant to emphasize her personal access to him such as “Private joke private joke yucca yucca ... lol!”? Because somehow, at 37, she has not learned this.

— Second-rate travel adviser! We love you Vail, Colo.! We’ll stop our truck there any time!

— Production says that restaurant-lady wasn’t a plant. And Landon’s evidence of this is the look on the lady’s son’s face while she was talking, which just looked like a face doing nothing to me, but OK. “I’ve never seen anything like it ...” Take this and pair it with the ending of “Pride and Prejudice” and my goodness! Thomas and Landon are meant to be.

— I feel like Kathryn and Landon’s truces are like the alternative endings of “Wayne’s World” Which one is real???? Let’s just settle on the safe answer: none.

— Diplomatic quote of the night: “I think I would’ve used more discretion given the situation” Cameran on Landon’s bad moves.

— Don’t you love how Landon was all casual like “Yeah, Thomas and I went to a wedding as friends this weekend!” and had to mention it was in Santa Barbera? WHO CARES WHERE IT WAS, YOU MANIAC? (Refer back to my “pee-on-him” and “emphasize her personal access” comments for clarification.) We got it, Landon. You’re special ... if you do say so yourself.

— The “OK. That’s why!” quote of the night: “Everyone wants you to be happy!” Landon to Kathryn, explaining to us why she’s suddenly apologizing and being occasionally deferential to Kathryn’s opinions ... someone finally told Landon that she’s messing with the bull on this one (or the Spanish dancing lady, if we’re being honest. Though I’m still on-board for that dress! So rustle-y).

— Austen, Cameran and Whitney were the only ones who walked away from this season looking good, right? Also, Austen won the reunion. Who could have ever seen that coming?

— Is Shep an alcoholic? I have no idea. Maybe? But God did he look tortured by this reunion. Just tortured. He also looked genuinely sad about his behavior, but still defended it to a certain extent so I have no idea what to think. Not that it matters. Really who cares? He’s the most interesting guy on the show and he’s teaching America’s eligible bachelorettes very tough vocab words like “ambivalent” and “affable.” What a wordsmith! Giggle giggle. What does “wordsmith” mean?

— “That’s just Shep” is something someone who has never before had a giant drunk man try to kiss them when they don’t want to be kissed by the giant drunk man says. Lucky you, Whitney.

— How many Charleston-area woman who have hooked up with Shep awoke Tuesday morning and were like “Ohhhhhhh. ‘Barbecue throat.’ Thank God! I can cancel that doctor’s appointment now!”

— Chelsea’s roommate ... call me, girlfriend. I have questions.

Catch up on previous episodes of “Southern Charm” here and “Southern Charm Savannah” here.

This story was originally published July 18, 2017 at 11:02 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Landon might not know how to pronounce her own blog and other moments."