‘Southern Charm’ recap: Say Kathryn Dennis’ name, watch Landon unpucker

Someone get Sotheby’s on the phone because I need to bid on a masterpiece.

That painting of Thomas Ravenel in his Citadel uniform was glorious.

It was like the picture of Dorian Gray if Dorian Gray’s picture captured the image of a man in the final seconds before becoming a lifetime of disappointment to his father.

It was like the Mona Lisa if the Mona Lisa’s smile said “Got coke?”

Gilbert Stuart clearly rose from the dead, ghost-painted this portrait and then whispered “Who’s your founding daddy? Thomas Ravenel, bish” before dropping a sick fife and drum beat and then tucking himself back into his crypt.

I’m not even kidding. I want this painting on my wall so badly. I could stare at it all day.

Alas, I’m sure Arthur Ravenel isn’t selling it.

It’s the only version of his son that he’s proud of … maybe. Maybe he’s seen him play polo or something. I don’t know.

I do know, however, that the HHIC* doesn’t watch “Southern Charm.” Or rather, I’m assuming he doesn’t watch it based on the fact that the headline “Ravenel swan-dives off the Ravenel” has not been a thing.

This is how much I want that piece of art: My biggest fear right now is not “Is this freckle cancer?” It’s that Landon will marry Thomas and get that painting in the divorce (as her sole compensation because, duh, he made her sign that pre-nup).

Although, I suppose this is Landon I’m talking about, so who am I kidding? After they sign the papers, I’ll just check Charleston-area pawn shops, where I fully expect a cashier to ask me why I’m buying this painting of Sgt. Pepper.

I already have my response planned: “I’m having a caftan made and need to upload a picture of a dog ...”

Here’s my breakdown of what else happened tonight:

— The most interesting part of this episode was the preview for next week in which Landon says her soul is drying up. “Eggs”? Oh! She said “Eggs.” Sorry. It was hard to hear over my inside voice repeatedly asking “Why doesn’t she use sunblock?”

— All Aboard for the Most Boring Thomas Ravenel Tour of Charleston. If Kensie could look any more like Kathryn Dennis in those backseat shots, I’m not sure how. Her face was like “Wait, you’re not my great-great-grandpa? What have we been doing this whole time?”

— Naomie and Craig’s therapy session … I could watch an entire hour of them answering questions with those flashcards. I have so many more questions to ask. Such as, Craig, now that you are watching this season, do you see how much you try to kill Naomie’s spirit on the reg? I love how he put it totally and effortlessly on her to keep the peace between them at Patricia’s party as if she’s the sole reason they get into fights. It was as if he were reading for a part in a movie called “My Ex-Husband Did That Too Because That’s What Babies Do, You Baby.” Wait, are these fights actually about Naomie’s friendship with Landon? Hmmm ….

— Chelsea and Austen’s post-Pork City trip date went from zero to 60, huh? He was bouncing around and head-sweating and boring all of us with his beige sock face and then Chelsea had to make a joke about his sister being seven years younger than him. And then it was like boom. His 9-year-old sister Kyle’s death, the most genuine and human moment in the history of “Southern Charm.” I hope the Kroll family gets nothing but love from the Bravo family this week. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for Austen to talk about on-camera while filming for a ridiculous TV show that means nothing and stars people who matter not at all in the grand scheme of things.

— Let’s just take a moment because … I can’t really make fun of people after thinking about a child dying. It’s too much.

— Actually, I can make fun of Landon. Have you noticed that the only topic that gets her face to unpucker is Kathryn Dennis? In all other moments her facial expression looks like that of Janice the Muppet, but then watch as someone brings up Thomas’ relationship with Kathryn. Landon’s eyes will open fully and her mouth will reshape itself into a straight line so she can ruefully stare into the near distance and act like she’s not listening or even part of this conversation about Kathryn because She’s Above It. And yet she’s assuming the exact posture and aura of The Most Jealous Woman in this Angry Universe. I actually love that Kathryn isn’t interacting with everyone right now because it shows how off-the-mark Cameran and Landon are about her. Landon is like “She’s manipulative and insane!” and then all we see are scenes of Kathryn being open about her addiction, honest about her relationship struggles and humble about trying to make amends. Yeah, super manipulative and insane. You try conquering an addiction, Landon. Manipulative is you and Cameran trying to act like an all-white Indian dinner party that includes one Indian guest (who is only allowed in AFTER dinner) is NOT the place to discuss Thomas’ future with Kathryn and Whitney’s decision to maybe get coffee with her. Where else do you two sensitive Sallies suggest this happen? Patricia Altschul’s Hos and Pimps barbecue next month?

— Speaking of … don’t you love it when rich people throw an all-white Indian-themed dinner party so they can experience curry, giggle over a chubby butler in a turban, make an Aladdin joke, learn that farsi isn’t Hindi, and turn to a tiny blonde to demonstrate and explain “Oh! Snap!”? What a melting pot Charleston is. I’m kidding. Obviously. It’s not a melting pot. It’s a plug-in wax warmer from Scentsy with one big-old chunk of Clean Breeze in there.

— Despite the impeccable tailoring and pathetic populist attempts of Whitney’s silken camo-lined jacket, Shep won best dressed of the evening at Patricia’s Indian party. Even his shoes were on point, though it was difficult to see the craftsmanship with all that foot-bouncing. Yoga is not working for you, guy.

— Georgette really got on my nerves tonight. Vodka soda with “all the lemons” squeezed in? What a quaint order. Oh. And did that seem like a vaguely sexual and coded exchange with Michael the butler to you? He was all, “We have Meyer lemons on the piazza.” And her eyes were like “Show me your piazza. It sounds humongous.” Or maybe I’m just reading into things. Maybe I’m looking at a benign scene on a tiny iPhone screen but for some perverted reason am seeing two still-structurally sound elderly women and one old man butler who most certainly would be the guy to carefully hang up each dog-face caftan while explaining the benefits of a cedar hangers before hopping into bed and commencing a wicked threesome with them.

— Oh and spare me, Georgette. People who swear a lot are considered more honest people. Plus you’re 70 so I think you’ve heard these words before. Plus you’re filming a scene for a reality show, not an episode of “Look at My Carefully Cultivated Idiosyncrasies. Aren’t I Interesting?” Plus Whitney just apologized to you like you’re the queen of England, so you got what you wanted. Plus Landon got schooled by Craig and Shep, which is among the Top 1 moments of “Southern Charm” for me.

— First, I love it when Shep gets all “Be the Bigger Person” and “Take the High Road.” He’s like a drunken bumper sticker in a fight. Second, lol Landon. “I take the high road with Kathryn and she tells me to eff off.” And Craig is all “No, you don’t.” And she’s like “I need an apology because I’m so angry at the truth that I’m about to Trovareco (formerly known as Roam) out of this room!” And Craig’s like “Can’t apologize, little lady, because you don’t take the high road.” Isn’t it terrifying that Landon thinks she’s been on the high road this whole time? What the hell does her low-road look like?

— Oh wait. We saw that already. It was her trying to be on a date with Austen. I swear, that girl lives in a fantasy world. She literally described Austen TO Austen as the man she wants to be with and then reminded him he has a girlfriend just so she could be like “Tee-hee. This is so illicit how you’re choosing me over Chelsea” in her head. And that cold tequila and Michelob Light put-on … you have no Uma Thurman game, girl. Can’t you just order a drink without making it so significant every time? Everything you say has an implied “I’m the girl who …” to it. But I have to say, watching Shep get embarrassed by your phoniness is now my favorite thing in the world. Sorry. Second favorite thing.

Portrait of Thomas Ravenel, I’m coming for you, baby.

* Head Huguenot in Charge

“I wouldn’t say I’ve been ‘missing it,’ Bob.”: Catch up on previous episodes of “Southern Charm” here.

This story was originally published May 23, 2017 at 8:39 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Say Kathryn Dennis’ name, watch Landon unpucker."