Heyyyy, handsome, I brought us each a slice of cake!
One fork though. Just one fork.
I’m using the fork.
There are three people here? Not just you and me? Oh wow. I didn’t even see this other much younger and much more grounded and interesting and less squinty woman you seem to be intently talking to while being filmed for a show about your dating life that I’m barely on and should actually not be on at all.
What? Oh. No. I’m not leaving. Did it seem like I was getting up? No, no. I’m staying. I was just shifting in my seat. Maybe someone will bring a fork for you and a slice of cake and yet another fork for you … Smella, was it? Oh! Bella! Sure. BELL-a? BellA? I don’t speak was that Spanish you just said? I speak Italian. Trovareco, for instance! I can say that word. Shoot! Trovare! It’s not Trovareco. I get confused about that … for … some … reason …
I mean, good Lord, Landon.
Although I have to say, an appearance by Landon would have very much improved Shep’s weird boat date with Kylie, who looked so young that I’m surprised she didn’t “accidentally” keep calling him “Mr. Rose” as if it were an inside special joke between the two of them outside the classroom.
I needed something to distract me from the impulses I kept having to take a photo of Kylie and Shep romping on-board and email it to Kylie’s guidance counselor along with the message, “I guess we know what ‘social studies’ means at Zachary Taylor High School.” So I scanned the water line in hopes that Landon would pop up from below wearing a snorkel (that doesn’t at all mute her double-ended vocal-fry laugh) and holding two bowls of she-crab soup and one spoon.
Back to Bella, though. I still think Shep is going to end up with her.
Or choose her, rather.
I don’t know about “end up with her” as in date long-term, marry, settle or chain himself to etc.
I’m can’t picture a fifth season of “Southern Charm” that features zero pillow-haired walk-of-shame randoms stumbling out of his bedroom.
But Shep does deserve happiness so maybe … maybe he will “end up” with Bella.
Because it literally won’t be Peyton.
She kept talking about how awesome their baseball date was going and I was like “Then why do you constantly look like he’s about to put you in a travel crate and take you to the vet, Miss Meow?”
And it won’t be Priscila, either, because even though she is two years younger than Shep, maturity-wise she seems like she’s always about one second away from sharing stories with him about what his mom was like in grade school.
“Oh and Shep, you’ll love this. Fran will kill me! One time your mom and I snuck two Fig Newtons from the cabinet even though your mother’s nanny told us we could only have one! We were so bad!”
Here’s the other stuff from Monday night’s show:
▪ What was Shep doing to Peyton’s strapless dress? Fixing it? Looking down it? Are they already at the “pull my dress up, it’s sliding down my chest” level of their relationship?
▪ Lawnmower shopping? Really, Bravo? His beach house is on like 7,000 square feet of patchy-grassed land (thank you, Zillow) and in what world does Shep have time for yard maintenance anyway? In what world does he not have a landscaping company already taking care of that? Oh. Right. The world in which you needed him to be doing something super domesticated on camera — the kind of thing Dad does, the kind of thing on the “honey do” list (which I hate even typing because I despise when people say “honey do list” or even “hairdo” … it’s like doo as in doo-doo and ew). In other words, the kind of thing a guy ready to settle down would doo-doo. Ugh. Sorry. I meant “do.”
▪ Bella hahahahahaha OMG … OK. Points subtracted for wearing sunglasses inside, but points added for telling the rest of your housemates every detail of Shep letting you know just how much he likes you and doesn’t want you to go because what are we doing here otherwise if not creating jealousy and resentment?
▪ Quote of the night (said at the exact same time by Priscila, Kylie and Peyton during the most maudlin beach hangout ever): “It went from five to three.” … Mmmm. Bella’s still in the running, friends. She didn’t go home to Sheboygan, where she’ll do one “oh well, I tried” interview with her local paper and then disappear back into her quiet life as a medical billing specialist, never to be heard from again by “Wheel of Fortune” viewers.
▪ Worst timing of the night: Shep saying “I do not feel bad for y’all” when he encountered his three remaining girlfriends together on the beach. Sure. Yeah. The beach totally makes up for knowing that yesterday the woman on one side of you made out with the guy you made out with the day before and that the woman on the other side of you is going to make out with him later today and you don’t know where things stand because he’s so flirty with you and seems real and maybe it is real but it’s also probably real with these other women and am I humiliating myself by being on this show, why do I make these choices in life, but, bright side, the ocean is so ocean-y ….
▪ Sidenote: Loved Priscila’s sunglasses. I can’t wear round frames, though. It’s a tragedy.
▪ Lol. Shep’s reaction to the word “love” was the same reaction most of us would have if our bosses were suddenly like “Even though you’ve shown no interest in research or Antarctica and we don’t even have any business interests there or professionally do anything relevant to anything there, we’d like to offer you a position counting grass blades at Lenie Station on the northern tip of the most isolated part of the continent. It’s either that or you’re fired. We’ll need your answer now.”
▪ Warning of the night? (from Shep informing the ladies of a plan he hasn’t yet explained): “You guys are going downtown.”
▪ Seriously, though, can you imagine the bemusement Peyton and Priscila felt in the moment before Shep told them he was moving them all to their own apartments? There’s no way their inside voices weren’t like “I don’t remember this in the contract. How is this even legal? He can’t make us go ‘downtown’ unless we want to go ‘downtown.’ And what the heck? Is he going to score us on this? I’m too old to be giving downtowns to get a guy to like me.”
▪ Kylie’s inside voice was like “Oooh! I’ve never been to a downtown before! This sounds fun. Maybe I can pick up a postcard for Nana and buy a T-shirt for Papa. I’ll have to check how much field trip money I have left though.”
▪ Roll call: Where’s Peyton? Why isn’t Peyton washing dishes and cooking with us? OH MY GOD. She’s talking to our boyfriend alone. Should we interrupt this? What do you think she’s saying? This isn’t good. This is not good. She could totally be telling him that we stink up the bathroom four times a day or that we have to pluck our chins on the hour so we don’t like young Santa Clauses or that we both coincidentally admitted to her that we have both done it with our own brothers and were just really casual about it, like ‘Why? Is that bad? Do brothers and sisters not do that?’”
▪ Who ran away from that beach house faster? Peyton? Or Shep, in his imagination, the second Summer pulled up?
▪ I’m just going to say it, Shep looks great in linen. Put it on the shopping list, Mama Rose.
▪ Raw beef plus oysters plus darkened roof bar plus Shep saying he feels fulfilled but not sexually fulfilled …… maybe that kiss cam should’ve been in Priscila’s apartment that night.
▪ Moment Shep went a little John Cena in “Trainwreck”: “Do you know the level of sensuousness a meatball brings me.” No. Tell us more about how a saucy ball excites you …
▪ Oh no! Priscila critiqued him about not knowing what it’s like to be a boyfriend even though he’s 37! Everybody duckkkkkkkkkkk! The ego is about to crack! IT IS ABOUT TO CRACKKKKK.
▪ Wait. He’s opening up to her. Holy cow. Do reality shows work? Is this what every emotionally immature, wishy-washy man-child needs to do to raise his relationship IQ? Imagine the programming possibilities.
▪ Do you think Peyton was jealous of the girl Shep was trying to make fall in the water? He was paying way more attention to her than he was to Peyton. Peyton hates that.
▪ Peyton on being with Shep at the baseball game: “It’s so natural.” Totally. So much. We can absolutely see how relaxed you are. Anyway, who wants a treat? Who’s a good girl? That’s it, the treat is in the crate. Don’t be nervous, Miss Meow, we’re not going to the vet … SLAM. Except we are! Don’t you hiss at me!
▪ Shep’s everchanging interview hairstyles remind me of something. I can’t quite place it. Hmmmm ...
▪ First question: Kylie thinks Shep doesn’t realize how scared she is of the water. Could that be because she keeps describing their water-focused-date as “amazing”? Yes? No? I wasn’t sure.
▪ Somebody slap my face. Did Shep successfully and maturely break up with a girl without causing her to stomach-sword herself or whatever it is he’s afraid will happen when he communicates honestly with a woman? He did! And he did a great job! “You’re too green” is a breakup line you don’t hear much outside of The Muppet Show.
▪ Second question: Kylie is “tremendously” worried about Shep’s lifestyle, but still wants to date him and hopes he regrets not choosing her because she had some pretty big plans to change him?
Do you want to help her out here or should I?
Fine, I’ll do it.
KYLIE, NO!!!!! Kylie, RUN. When you are a 22-year-old smart and ambitious woman and a 37-year-old shaggy man with beer breath tells you that “you don’t know the half of it” after you tell him his behavior concerns you, YOU RUN. You cannot change men. They can only change themselves. Except when it comes to their diapers … their moms still do that for them.
For more “RelationShep” recaps, click here.