There is so much land for sale in Aimee’s hometown of Perdido, Ala.
Just acres upon acres of it.
I’m just telling you this in case you want to buy some of that land and build 10,000 nail salons there so you never again have to witness what we did with Aimee’s penicillin feet in the second episode of “Floribama Shore” when she got her very first pedicure ever.
I’m not sure which was worse: seeing that mountain of pale skin shavings pile up in front of the nail technician — who no doubt is enrolling in a West Virginia art school now because who knew she had a knack for whittling?— or watching Nilsa throw herself at Jeremiah.
I honestly think Nilsa was worse than the feet flakes.
I really do.
Although, I have to say, there’s a lot of satisfaction in watching an off-brand Kim Kardashian brag about being able to get any guy she wants and then watching her NOT get any guy she wants.
Not even one who was homeschooled and sometimes wears suspenders.
Not even after lifting up her shirt and pressing her chest — the one she purchased because of its purported guarantee of success in these very matters — to the sliding glass door.
Not even after dangling the promise of a pizza in his face.
Still, as fun as it was to watch her get rejected by that dopey oak tree, “Floribama Shore” is getting a little too close to becoming nothing more than a compilation of your Most Annoying Drunk Friend’s greatest hits.
We’ve all had (or have) that friend, the one who is fine enough during the sober hours of daylight but who gets loaded way faster than anyone else (because she’s faking half of it just so she can be ridiculous all night), yell-talks, interrupts, cries, falls on the dance floor, starts a fight, loses her phone/purse/sense of general dignity, and, much as cats do to the people who don’t like cats, doesn’t leave alone whoever it is she wants attention from in any given moment.
Nilsa and Kortni are both like that.
They are the kind of friends who set out in the night to find a guy and when that plan doesn’t pan out, change course to derail whatever it is you or anyone else around them have going on — whether it’s hanging out and having fun, calmly eating a sandwich or going straight to bed.
They terrorize anyone within sight.
After they’re done with that and left unsatisfied they then call their ex-boyfriends.
Then when their ex-boyfriends don’t answer, they just go down the list in their phone because surely someone wants to listen to their complaints.
“I just want to be swam with.”
When Nilsa said that I was like “GO TO BED, WOMAN. Because no you don’t just want to be swam with … you want to prove you can get Jeremiah because you’re totally insulted that he asked Kortni out and not you.”
Which I get, because asking Kortni out to dinner is like getting a subscription to Herpes of the Month Club.
Not because I think she has herpes (warts, maybe … didn’t she say something about warts when she was getting out of the cab?) but because she’s not someone who’s just going to go away on her own and she’s going to embarrass the both of you in the interim.
Here’s what went down on episode two of “Floribama Shore” in no particular order because why introduce any logic now?:
▪ The sexiest thing Jeremiah does is clean that kitchen. Every time he was in there I was like “Yeah, wipe that counter, handsome.” I don’t even think he’s cute but there’s something about a guy who loads the dishwasher before bed no matter how wasted he might be.
▪ Gus’ back thong … OK, raise your hand if you’re the woman who saw him out in a club wearing what appears to be a flannel shirt that lost its job and committed suicide and said to him “I like your style. You should wear that again.” ADMIT IT. ADMIT YOU ENCOURAGED THIS. Because you owe everyone a seven-page letter of apology.
▪ I’m guessing that, in addition to having no full-length mirrors, Jeremiah’s homeschool also lacked dance lessons. He looked like someone was controlling his movement by remote control.
▪ Seeing Kortni walk outside in her white socks did to me what Aimee’s half of the room did to Jeremiah, which is to say I suddenly got that same Jack Nicholson from “The Shining” look on my face. While “has dirty-bottomed white socks” seems like the right category for Kortni, I still can’t think about it. You’re in Florida. Wear flip-flops, you germ-monger.
▪ I loved Jeremiah’s conversation with Kortni. “I don’t know if I gave you the wrong impressions,” he said about asking her out for dinner and then announcing they weren’t actually on a date when the check came. Really? You don’t know? You know. Even better was Kortni’s effort to be chill about it like “Ohhhh that? I never once thought we were on a date or expected anything afterward, which is why I totally didn’t get into your bed wearing a giraffe onesie because that would’ve been really weird.” What’s with “I'm not your average fake ho. Like I'm straight up”? Was that an attempt to be seen as an elevated version of a ho?
▪ Quote of the night: “Does anyone have pizza rolls?” I think it’s safe to assume the answer is always “Yes” in that house.
▪ “You go from worse to worser” is actually the grammatically correct way to compare the likes of Jeremiah and Gus. A for Aimee. And they say that education in Perdido, Ala., isn’t great … Perdido means “lost” in Spanish. I wonder if she knows that.
▪ I just figured out who Kortni reminds me of. She’s like a combination of the actress Juliette Lewis and that one mom who drove her kids into a lake in South Carolina because she was having an affair with a guy who thought she was single and the dipstick you use to check the oil level in your car’s engine.
▪ Hey Gus, Blossom called. She wants her brother Joey’s look back.
▪ OK. Nilsa calling the information line to get the number for a pizza place … I get that the producers probably took away their cellphones, but that was a depressing moment. I wonder if she knows she has the Zika virus.
▪ Second quote of the night: “One time I stepped on an earring and I didn't even know for a hot minute.” I can’t even imagine the state of the floor in Aimee’s house. Good Lord.
▪ At some point Candace and Kirk are going to make a run for it, right? Candace was drinking water at the club to offset the alcohol. Kirk is taking his beach chair job seriously. They’re far too level-headed for this household collection of societal ills.
▪ Was Kortni wearing zinc as lipstick?
▪ If Gus mentions that $150 dinner with Nilsa again and how she didn’t makeout with him the way he expects the girls he feeds to makeout with him, I might drive down to Panama City Beach and ... and just drive right back without seeing him because I don’t really want to deal with all that.
▪ All right, we have to talk about Kayla Jo, that Ivanka Trump-esque slash Whitney from “The Hills” lookalike “30-year-old” that Jeremiah is into. I have no respect for her and here’s why: She totally did the “I’m watching you, girl” motion with her hands and then chickened out when Nilsa called her on it. Stick to your guns, lady. Why do that motion at all if you’re not going to be like “I did that to let you know not to mess with me, you mean little meatball”? Kayla Jo is lame. And a liar.
▪ Oh. Additional evidence that Kayla Jo is lame: “Don’t ever be negative. You’re beautiful” was her deep and serious advice to Kortni. Something tells me Kayla Jo just bought a canvas print of that exact phrase from HomeGoods and just needs someone to help figure out how to use a hammer so she can hang it on her wall.
▪ Let’s talk about South Carolina boy Codi Butts. HE WENT FOR IT. Granted, maybe yelling at Nilsa while Aimee is trying to pass out wasn’t prudent, but he said everything the viewer needed Nilsa to hear: Jeremiah isn’t going to get with you … no matter what new body part you add next to your collection.
For a recap of the first episode of “Floribama Shore,” click here.