Why is Bravo punishing us? Why does “Southern Charm Savannah” have to be on at 10 p.m. on a Monday?
Is this is a late-night censoring issue? Is it because of all those gratuitous shots of Daniel Eichholz’s naked body and butt crack? I promise you, Bravo, our eyes can handle that untanned landscape even better at 9 p.m. on a Wednesday.
It’s just too much “Southern Charm” in one night.
As I’ve said, I’m all in on this spin-off (largely because Nelson once pretended to be the “minister plenipotentiary for artistic endeavors,” which might just be the funniest thing I’ve heard on any Bravo show ever, even funnier than Teresa Giudice’s pronuncation of “cumin” and even funnier than everything Bethenny Frankel has ever said about Luann).
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OK. “Lieann” was pretty funny, though.
But honestly. We’re going to have to review last night’s episode in bullet points because the episode 6 recap of “Southern Charm” really took it out of me. After dealing with Craig’s boatneck shirt and Shep’s liver problems, I’m at like a 25 percent today.
So, Savannah. God, you’re fun.
Let’s do this:
▪ For one hot minute didn’t you kind of feel like you were watching “The Hills”? If Hannah isn’t a brunette L.C. then I don’t know what. Daniel is Jason. Louis is Brody. Lyle is Spencer. Happy is Audriana. Ashley is Heidi. Catherine is Kristin. The show starts with Hannah complaining about work, features an awkward giggly party speech and has a magazine fashion shoot in it.
▪ What’s Nelson’s deal? He’s not an official castmember, yet he is by far the most interesting one. He’s not gay ... but plays one on TV? His sexuality is none of our business, of course, but I have to comment. A fabulous heterosexual man is like the g.d. holy grail of boyfriends for straight women in their 30s. A rich man who is bitchy and fun and then wants to make out? There needs to be a dating app JUST for that kind of guy. We can call it Cinder, the app where downtrodden and abused-by-life princesses go to find a glittery prince who totally wants to hear all about how your friend said something annoying today.
▪ If one more person had said “Savannah Country Day” last night, I honestly think I would have grabbed my passport and headed right over to the Savannah-Hilton Head International Airport and demanded that they prove they’re actually “international” for once and for all by getting me on an immediate flight out of this country and into one where the people are like “Savannah Country what now?” Your “parents paid for your friends” or your parents paid to torture us 13 years later with your hourlong ad for the school that only sort of taught you about the 13 colonies and Mount Rushmore? Do you still go to Savannah Country Day School, Catherine and Lyle, because it kind of seems like you might ...
▪ This scene:
Ashley on the phone to her son: Eff eff eff eff eff eff swear swear swear
Friends inside Lulu’s Chocolate Bar: Is something wrong?
Ashley (calmly): Yes. My house is on fire. Gotta motor!
Friends outside Lulu’s Chocolate Bar: Should we ... like ... go there or something? How do you walk a dog?
▪ I’m not sure where Bravo found an entire cast of people with no ability to hear their own voices or monitor their own irony.
I’ll paraphrase some quotes so they can hear it better.
“Cotton money. Sugar money. Plantation money. We’re just listing all the ways our ancestors made their fortunes off the backs of human bondage. Lol.”
“I’m so progressive. I chide my dad for calling a not-so-wealthy area of Savannah ‘Little Buckhead’ and for laughing at the ‘Slow Children’ sign and I hate the word ‘plantation’! God! Ughhhhh. (But yes, the only black person at my party is the bartender. And yes, we’re all trying to show him we’re super cool with that. Really, we are).”
“I’m Jewish. So it’s fine. I’m good with numbers. That’s a Jewish joke because I’m Jewish and you guys are all so hyperaware that I’m Jewish so I just thought I’d be the first, second, third and last to mention the fact that I’m Jewish a lot because even though you guys like me you still find my existence in our friend circle exotic and to be an interesting fact about yourself.”
“I quit my job today to pursue my dream. Socks not stocks, am I right? Rob Kardashian already ... did ... this? But, but I want to be the quirky sock reality show guy!”
“Water is good for hangovers? So less Botox, more water in my face?”
“My grandfather wasn’t allowed in that old school Southern club ... possibly because he was Jewish. Possibly. I’m just not sure. Who can know really?”
“This dead pig my dad is pretending to do bicep curls with and that we’re going to eat tonight has teeth! Why would a dead animal have teeeeeeeeth?”
“You’re either going to read in the newspaper about a murder — an unsolved murder even though I literally just admitted that I might kill the woman I love to you guys and to all the viewers by saying you’ll read about a murder — or a wedding announcement.”
“Dinosaur poop and see-through bathing suits and a fire at my house. You guys see me right? I’m getting screen time, yes? I better get screen time for this. Am I weird enough? Should I jump off another person’s dock.”
“We’re all 31 ... even though it seems like we might be 18. It’s definitely 31.”
“I live in this giant house and also this downtown apartment and my parents have a mansion and sometimes I ride my bike.”
▪ Have you ever learned this much American history at 10 p.m. on a Monday night while watching Bravo? Sherman’s March! Mordecai Sheftall! The fashion designer that brought Prince William and Kate Middleton together! If I wanted to watch the History channel, I would’ve been in bed by now.