‘Southern Charm’ recap: Shep Rose’s liver is like ‘Dude, come on ...’

I’ve spent half this night trying to come up with the right couple-portmanteau for Thomas Ravenel and Landon Clements.

The criteria:

▪  Obviously it has to be a combo of both their names

▪  Obviously it has to be onomatopoetically appropriate to how I feel whenever they’re onscreen together. (Whatever sounds the closest to Oh God Ugh Why?)

The finalists:

▪  Clomas

▪  Thondon

▪  Landmas

▪  Clavenel

Do these two seriously think that their fake-o love story is the narrative we’re all following this season? Guess what, you puffy squinters, no one wants to see you together. Not even in the same shot.

Although, I have to admit, tonight I struck imagination gold. If you watch Landon and Thomas interact and listen to the words that come out of their mouths. Like really watch. And really listen. You will see what I see.

Which is an adorable special needs couple falling deeply in love with each other as they work to convince their families that they can live on their own and take care of themselves and each other in this cruel world.

It’s a real tearjerker but they will bring a smile to your face.

OK. Yes. I know this is kind of the plot to “The Other Sister,” but it makes Thomas and Landon more tolerable.

Enough about them, though.

Wait. One more thing. There’s always one more thing!

And get your Google fingers ready because my pop culture references are about to get super retro.

Did Patricia’s dinner party invitation to Landon accidentally get switched in the mail with la, because that dress and hair combo were totally appropriate for the latter but a little too “After this, I’m meeting up with three of my identically dressed sisters to audition for The Lawrence Welk Show” for the former.

(Darling, get Patricia’s book “The Art of Southern Charm” if you need help knowing the difference between when you are wearing a dress and it is wearing your desperate need for acceptance).

Sigh. Landon, will we ever get along?

Anyway, last week when Shep was at the doctor’s and the doc mentioned liver tests, I was like “Bravo, you better follow up on this. Don’t just tease us and expect us not to wonder.”

How stressed were you when Shep was getting the news about his wandering liver enzyme? The look on his face might have won Facial Expression of the Night — tied with the face Cameran made when Craig said his real estate needs were “making an offer on a house in the next two weeks” (not “three bedrooms and two bathrooms” just “offer”) and with Shep’s yoga face, which basically said “Hey everybody, I’m Jim J. Bullock!”

I wanted to reach through the screen and hug him and tell him that everybody dies, even him.

Just kidding. I wanted to hug him and tell him that sometimes in this world you have to know when you should drink water.

I also wanted to tell that to Joanna, the poor girl who had to do the walk of Shep right there on Bravo.

Two things I learned from Joanna, though.

One, Shep does not have a mirror on his second floor. (I mean, that bed head, girl!)

And two, OH MY GOD CAMERAN’S HOO-DOO DOLL CAME TO LIFE.

Favorite line of the night: “You don’t need to smell that.” — Whitney to Chauncey the chubby pug on their walk

Favorite outfits: Cameran’s black jumper and Patricia’s caftan

Favorite Kathryn moment: The one I imagine she had tonight when she saw that Thomas and Jennifer’s fishy friendship has gone way beyond handkerchief-giving. I mean, what was that? Is “you’re a hell of a woman” T-Rav speak for “I respect you and will continue to pay you the secret child support for this baby that no one can know is actually mine. Especially not Kathryn”?

Favorite nap: The one I took when Austen and his parents were out to dinner. What’s his issue? A job or something? Wake me when he donates his liver to Shep.

All right, now we need to do some real talk.

Craig.

What the heck.

First of all, I can’t take an angry man in a boat-neck shirt seriously ever. It’s not going to happen.

In fact, there are only four activities that are acceptable for a man to do while wearing a boat-neck shirt: 1. Taking off the boat-neck shirt while saying “I don’t know what I was thinking”; 2. Stealing sunglasses while on vacation in Hawaii and being filmed for “Vanderpump Rules”; 3. Playing the lead in the new musical “Your Baguette or Mine?” 4. Walking around a potential investment property and saying “You should never popcorn your ceiling.”

Save that shirt for your next foray into real estate, Craig.

Second, I’m honestly not sure how Naomie hasn’t thrown his sewing machine into a lagoon. He gave her an embroidery of Gizmo the cat, which seems really, really sweet and romantic until you’re the one in a relationship with a man who produces a tiny embroidery of your cat when you ask him the question “What did you do today?”

When he said “I’m literally dating a teenage girl” I seriously thought he was narrating Naomie’s inside voice for the audience. (PS. Craig … 28-year-old men maybe shouldn’t say “I’m literally dating a teenage girl” on national television because ding-dong, Chris Hansen is at your door).

Anyway, poor Naomie.

But not poor you, because I have a parting gift: Gizmo has his own Instagram!

It’s 1,000 pictures of Gizmo!

Just catching up on Season 4? Allow me to describe the first five episodes for you in terrifying detail for you.

This story was originally published May 9, 2017 at 1:28 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Shep Rose’s liver is like ‘Dude, come on ...’."