If Thomas Ravenel’s legal team isn’t watching this season of “Southern Charm” with helmets on and oven mitts duct-taped to their hands, then Thursday nights must be a real windfall for Charleston’s plastic surgeons.
Can you imagine the number of bow-tied maniacs showing up in area ERs with busted noses and burst gin blossoms, trying to explain what happened to befuddled doctors?
“OK. You were watching Bravo and then ‘punched yourself as hard as you could in your own face’? … May I ask why?”
“(Crying and slurring) My client Thomas Ravenel admitted on national television that he thinks his power and money entitle him to get whatever he wants out of a woman, which … (mumbles “I mean, it does, right?” and “but I know this doesn’t look great” and “on account of the sexual assault allegations and all,” then pukes from the pain and sobs from the realization that he’s not getting his soul back because he actually never had one).”
“And these scratch marks are from ….?”
“From last week. (Weeps into an old napkin from Gentry that he found in his pocket.) Same situation basically. He was flirting with his kids' mother while his girlfriend was standing RIGHT THERE and then he was making comments about how he’s soooooo sexual that oysters are just superfluous and also there was some French talk about wiping up after many conquests. I didn’t become a lawyer for this, doc. I just thought I’d graduate law school in seven years, help write some backroom legislative deals that would benefit me and my friends and then I’d live off the proceeds from that and maybe get some bank loans that I had no plans of paying back etc., you know, a normal life, but then there was this favor my father owed to the Ravenel family and it’s my dad’s law firm and all ... I don’t know how to defend a guy who is on a reality show acting exactly like the person we say he isn’t. This is such hard workkkkkkkkkk!”
If nothing else, this week’s episode further proved one very obvious thing to me: T-Rav is truly pathetic.
Kathryn Dennis is woke to it.
Ashley not so much.
First, where did KD learn about triangulation? She needs to write a book warning future generations about this shish.
It was like that episode of “Sex and the City” in which Miranda finds out that when a date says he can’t have a nightcap with her because he has a “meeting in the morning,” what he’s actually saying is he’s “just not that into her.”
I mean, honestly. Triangulation, where have you been all my life?
Now we just need Kathryn to tell us how to undo that wicked geometry of a guy using two girls against each other to feed his ego.
Do we just make jokes about this to our friends to let them know that we’re onto these guys so they don’t constantly question where our heads are at?
Or do we wait for the guy to fall asleep and then inject him with the same paralysis drug that Petra’s sister used in “Jane The Virgin,” then tattoo “Triangulator” on his forehead, then laugh and suggest he get bangs when he’s all “What have you done to me?!?!”?
Or do we remove ourselves entirely from the equation and find a mentally healthy man who won’t use us to hedge his narcissism?
Help! I don’t know which of the options I’ve just listed would be the smartest!
Second, please tell me you noticed that Ashley was wearing one of the Gwynn’s dress she had just bought using Off-Brand Richard Gere’s credit card when she and her benefactor got into an argument about “something not being very funny.”
Since we don’t know what Ashley didn’t find very funny, I’m going to offer some theories:
— Ashley joked that she should go as Kathryn for Halloween and Thomas was like “Or, you know, you could do that every day … like starting tonight?”
— Thomas asked Ashley to split the fish dish just as a woman dressed as a mermaid waddled by off-camera.
— Thomas told Ashley that she looks like a sixth-grade teacher in her new dress. Then he asked for a hall pass …
Here’s some other fun stuff about episode 7:
— I’m not sure what Shep’s Tinder profile says, but I have a suggestion: “I wash Red Solo cups in my dishwasher and then put them in a cabinet with regular glasses.” He needs to find a girl who accepts this about him from the very start.
— Do you happen to know what Cameran’s baby’s name is going to be? I’m just not sure how to get that information. KIDDING. My God. The sheer amount of monogramming present in that nursery was astounding. But it answered two questions I’ve had for a minute: “What would the graffiti look like if Charleston had subways?” and "How's Craig doing?"
— Quote of the night that probably caused Ashley to be like “DOES ANYONE HAVE A PEN AND PAPER???” (from Kathryn’s “Big Book of Handling Torture” in the chapter “How to get what you want from a fool who thinks he’s pretty darn important”): “Smile. Laugh. Flirt back a little bit.”
— Unintentional (?) insult of the night (from Chelsea whose words would indicate that she thinks Kathryn doesn’t already have one of these): “The best revenge is just to get a banging body.”
— OK, calm down, Austen. We get it. Chelsea likes to act like a responsible adult woman, which is ew. And Victoria likes to dance, dance, dance which is yay! Help us out, though.
Does she dance like this?
Or is it more like this?
— Editors missed a real opportunity in this episode. The scene immediately after the one in which Naomie is using a hair straightener on her dish towels really should have been of Ashley using a clothes iron on her hair … because I’m assuming — based on the weird creases in it when she arrived at Gwynn’s — that this is what she did before going to meet Patricia.
— And then maybe end THAT scene with Thomas’ housemaid finding a Paul Mitchell straightener where her clothes iron should be. She holds the iron as far away from her body as she can and with only the tips of her fingers and shakes her head like “What shameful folly is that man on now?”
— A guy named Shep was talking to a man named Rip about a couple named Whitaker and Tiernan.
— I’m sorry that I just gave you the urge to join a country club and eat a gin and tonic for dinner.
— If you or anyone you know has had a secret love child by Shep Rose, by the way, please speak up now because WHAT A GOOD SPIN-OFF THAT WOULD MAKE! I’m thinking a “Three Men and a Baby” situation with Shep, Craig and Austen … and Thomas can be the weirdo ghost in the background that everyone's like "He died on set!" about.
— Question on everyone’s mind: Who in the world is renting Shep’s weird rectangle house in Charleston? I can’t even imagine the number of mascara-smeared girls who show up on their doorstep at 3 a.m. wearing hospital ID bracelets and screaming “They gave me an IV! Come on, Sheppy! It’s rally time!”
— Every time Shep says “mailbox money,” one of Craig’s pillows hangs its head, grabs for Craig’s hand and, while the rest of Craig’s pillows gather solemnly behind him, says “Someday we will provide the same for you, sire.”
— Ashley looked amazing in every outfit she tried on.
— And I’m not just saying that so I can say the following without feeling like a terrible person …
— But ugh, Ashley and Patricia were so absurd.
— Let me preface this by saying that I’ve had my Daddy Warbucks dreams too. I’m mere flesh and blood. I understand the desire to try on pretty outfits, charge them to a sex fiend and be finally accepted by the meanest of mean girls.
But here’s how that Gwynn’s outing sounded to my ears:
Patricia is like “Cover this California hussy’s breasts and thighs so she’ll be more appealing to this hapless man’s friends and also less appealing to this hapless man’s friends! Stat.”
And Madison from Gwynn’s is like “On it. California! Gross!”
And Ashley is all “Gee willikers! I’ll do anything for you to like me! This is the best day of my life! I made such a great decision moving here for a rich man on a TV show! I feel like a princess! I feel like a Barbie doll! I feel like ‘Pretty Woman.’”
Then Patricia is like “Nooooooooo, don’t call yourself a harlot, you harlot! (Thunder claps. Patricia’s eyes go red.) Barbie and princess and Pretty Women are not roles a proper Southern woman should aspire to as she makes herself more physically and socially attractive to a man while also positioning herself to be more dependent on him but also independent INDEPENDENT! You need to value yourself while I show you exactly what is wrong with you. Here’s how to get this eligible felon bachelor to marry you and validate your existence with his wealth and position in society while making you always wonder if that's lipstick on his collar!”
And Ashley is like “Yes! I want to marrrrrrrry him and worship him and be around him all the time and have kids and a big diamond ring … and make Kathryn disappear and detectives have no leads on the case!”
Patricia smiles and says, “Trick him into thinking you have a life by getting your own life!”
Madison nods, all “Yeah. Trick him by being who you’re not. Don’t you know these things?”
And Ashley is like, “Oh my gosh. I absolutely do! For instance, I’m trying to get my nursing license to show that I’m my own person and don’t (chokes) need his money but it’s, like, a lot of forms and stuff.”
She trails off, noticing Patricia and Madison exchanging looks that say “What’s a … ‘nurse’s license’? Do people … drive … nurses?”
Ashley tries again, this time with more resolve, “I’m going to be a classy Southern woman who says, wears, does, thinks and acts the right way so Thomas will see that I’m ‘our class!'”
Patricia and Madison nod and make tiny claps with their hands.
“Here’s to respecting yourself!”
Ashley beams and continues, “And I’m going to do some extra sex things tonight to thank him for buying these clothes.”
Patricia and Madison pause mid-clap.
Ashley looks down.
Oh no. I've likened myself to a prostitute again.
Then she hears the tiny claps.
Patricia and Madison stand and shout “Brava!” in unison.
— No. I’m not drunk. I’m just inspired by dressing room montage scenes in which the protagonist is told how to get a man while being judged for wanting to get that man in the first place.
— Poor Ashley, man.
— Truest quote of the night (from Chelsea’s brother re: Cameran): “She hasn’t had that baby yet?” Seriously. It's like watching a zoo-cam at this point.
— Oh cool! We’re famous. They said “Hilton Head” and “Bluffton.” .... And “20 raccoons." There it is.
— Thomas’ take on Kathryn: “GRUNT! MINE! FOR SEX!”
— Shep’s take on Kathryn: “She’s a multi-dimensional person who intrigues me on so many levels. She’s intelligent and gorgeous and vulnerable … (breaks into sweat, he can’t do it anymore) … but also GRUNT! MINE! FOR SEX!”
— Lord! Thomas did NOT like Shep talking about maybe dating Kathryn! I feel like the sound of those two guys fighting each other would make a blind person guess "Family heirlooms crashing into each other? Is it two silver gravy boats?"
— Kathryn should’ve started her job at Gwynn’s by putting together looks for a "30-something daughter of a department store owner." What was that outfit Madison was wearing? It was like Denise Huxtable meets "couch from Big Lots." I didn't even know "mulch" was a color. Yikes! I'm never going to be allowed in that store now ... guess it's just you and me now, Banana Republic Outlet.
— How many times do you think Austen and Victoria rehearsed that scene? The answer is "not enough."
— Quote that might tell you everything you need to know about Victoria: “I mean, Chelsea’s my friend but (imma date you anyway) …”
— SOMEONE MOVED THE IMMORTALS, MICHAEL!!!!
— Flash to a scene of Michael in a rowboat pulling up to a rickety dock in the middle of the night. He silently hands two small statues and four strands of hair to a Hoodoo medicine man and perspires as he tries to act natural and not at all like he’s wondering how the man got those human teeth hanging around his neck. After the medicine man finishes murmuring unintelligible words over the statues, he holds them up to the sky, causing several bolts of lightning to crackle from the cloud above them, and then hands them back to Michael. The two exchange a meaningful look but no words. Michael rows away.
— Flash to present-day Michael standing in the dining room right before Patricia’s “I’m the Last Woman on Earth (and Also Kind of Pretending to Be Asian Which Is Only Slightly Less Awkward Than When Luann de Lesseps Wore Black Face)” dinner party with the same perspiration on his forehead as he remembers he left the immortals under his pillow …
— Flash to a courtroom in the future:
“I said ‘Every exit is an entrance’ because I was reading a fortune cookie! And I said ‘I’ve got all the power. I’ve got all the money’ and ‘Why can’t we just marry as many women as we can afford?’ ironically! Not because I’m an oversexed lunatic who thinks my money allows me to take whatever I ...”
“I see, Mr. Ravenel. … Just one more question. Please define ‘irony.’”
“OBJECTION! Your honor! This is OUTRAGEOUS!”
— Hold up. Michael texts with Craig? Or did I hope for that?
— Quote that made Sean turn to Craig and ask “Uh … ?”: “Sean wants to get a dog, but we travel too much for that”
— Another truest quote of the evening (from JD as he cracked open his cookie): “I have no fortune.”
— Smartest quote of the night (from Shep when someone suggests Thomas get a vasectomy): “YOU SHOULD.”
— Which reminds me: Shep was on the phone with a man named Rip and they were talking about a couple named Whitaker and Tiernan!
Come on, that’s Lol-town!
Don't @ me. I know that's his brother and sister-in-law.