Hold up. Nilsa knew about Josh’s hair?!?
I mean, obviously she “knew” about it, as in she could “see the hair with her eyes that work,” but this whole time I assumed she was OK with kissing a guy who clearly misread the title of an old taxidermy magazine that someone had left in his barber’s waiting room as “Haircut Options.”
Josh was all “My dizzle! I want this one! Do you aggrizzle?” pointing to a picture of a no-longer-with-us American mink lounging on a bare river rock.
And the barber, who was black and totally over basic white bros trying to be down, was immediately like “Absolutely!”
But really. When Nilsa went from 0 to making fun of Josh’s hair accurately, I was shocked. Maybe she had on love goggles that whole time, and they were preventing her from fully taking it all in the way Aimee clearly had, “This guy has red ears, a slickback and his clothes don’t match.”
HE DOES HAVE RED EARS! I didn’t even notice. Oh God, I hope I’m not the one wearing love goggles now.
This isn’t even about his appearance, though, which as we’ve established is “American mink lounging on a bare river rock” meets “man who woke up on the beach naked and now has to make do with the lost and found box at Senor Frog’s.”
This is about how he canceled his date with Nilsa because she happened to mention calling her ex-husband shortly before she and Josh had met.
I couldn’t believe that was the reason. And then! Then I couldn’t believe that the rest of the guys were like “Yup, yup. Exactly the right move on that one, Josh.”
The preview for the episode made it clear that something was going to go down, so when Josh and Nilsa were in the pool together and he sort of flinched as she was talking about her ex-, I was like surely that can’t be why he cancels their date.
But SURELY it was.
I mean … how insecure, immature and pathetic can a guy get?
“She was calling her ex- before we met!”
It was such a dumb power move. Like “Nope. You don’t get to have me now because you broke the rules and didn’t pretend that I’m the only man in the world!”
Oh! And I love that, according to the “Floribama” boys, women are supposed to leave a very healthy grace period between their contact with past males and future males.
On the bright side for Nilsa, at least she doesn’t have to leave food and water out for Josh’s hair anymore.
Here’s what else is worth discussing from the seventh episode of “Floribama Shore”:
— MTV’s editing is hilarious. Last week it was all “Gus and Jeremiah are going to fight!” Within one single second of this episode Gus and Jeremiah were like “We’re good?” “Yeah, we’re good.”
— What’d I say about Codi? He’s like The Joker if The Joker found out his real parents were Paula Deen and a bowl of grits.
— How funny was that when Codi was like “Deny, redirect and blame. That’s it. That’s Nilsa’s MO.” I literally thought he was talking about his strategy on getting through this whole “betting on who gets Katrina” problem he caused.
— Thing I hope you noticed too: Kirk hiding on the staircase as the Codi-bashing was about to get real.
— OK. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH KORTNI? She’s like half-awake every time she’s on-screen, which isn’t all that much anymore, but whenever there’s a disagreement in the house, she comes barreling out of nowhere and in deep, deep adherence to the “Jerry Springer” your-sister-is-your-husband’s-mistress style of combat, all flailing limbs and unintelligible beep-laden screaming.
— Quote of the night (from Kortni to a crying Katerina who Kortni escorted away from the yellers and onto the deck): “Come to the railing. Come to the railing.” Girl, don’t go to the railing with Kortni!
— Apology of the night (from Jeremiah to Katerina … at the railing): There’s no quote. I just wanted to mention that I’ve never seen a doggy-style apology before. He was right up on her … it was very odd.
— Denial of the night (from Codi re: the latest drama that has set off the house): “I just don’t want people to think it’s me.” Lol.
— Interesting how Jeremiah was “processing” the Codi bet thing and then later Josh was “processing” Nilsa’s comment about having called her ex- before she met Josh. I know two boys who got an A on Mom’s “Quiet Thinking Prevents Your Mouth from Stinking” exam.
— Um, Codi didn’t recognize his dad’s voice on the phone.
— OK. That was sad about Codi’s papa and nice how the group did a little prayer circle for the kid, but the best part of that whole scene was Nilsa’s face after the praying. She had a look like “Soooooo. Are we not going to tell Codi off now about how his gossiping is causing us all problems? Has that been canceled? We could still maybe do it … no?”
— MTV should consider a new show called “Kortni Blows Up,” and just have her inflate a bunch of animal-shaped pool floats. In summary, on this show she has peed on a bed, peed in a trashcan, peed while completely naked in a urinal, physically fought with rednecks and blown up a bull-shaped float through its butthole.
— Was one lens missing from Josh’s sunglasses? I mean, I get it. You can’t depend on the Senor Frog’s lost and found box to be perfect.
— Edit of the night: Aimee and Nilsa on the beach: “He’s a douchebag.” Kirk, Jeremiah, Gus and Josh on the deck mocking Aimee and Nilsa’s imagined conversation on the beach, “All guys are douchebags.”
— My goodness. Codi’s grandmother REALLY loves him. That woman acted like she just got a surprise visit from a suitcase filled with crisp $100 bills.
— Number of times Nilsa humped the air in this episode: Just the one time. Slow night at the Evolution Bar.
— Jeremiah and Josh dance as though a magician hypnotized them into covering their entire bodies in cookie dough, baking themselves at 350 degrees for longer than the recommended 15-18 minutes and then, when out of the oven, attempting to get all the now-hardened cookie dough off their giant bods without using their hands … whenever someone plays “Uptown Funk.”
— Aimee knows what a Monet is but not a croissant, brunch or a brewski … I’m not kidding. I want to see this curriculum Alabama has been using.
— In addition to “Kortni Blows Up,” I also recommend MTV consider the show “Aimee Prank Calls Logan” because I’ve never laughed that hard at something that was so not clever at all. Two pizzas? I’m going to poop on your porch? All said in a voice that switched from Aimee’s to Cookie Monster’s? I will watch that show.
— In defense of Kirk telling Aimee not to call her ex-: He was like emergency room-level drunk.
— In defense of Aimee throwing a mayonnaise bottle at Kirk: Better she throw it than continue preparing what I’m afraid was a slice of pizza with mayonnaise on it.
— In defense of Aimee pushing Kirk: How would we know whether or not to watch episode 8?
For more “Floribama Shore” recaps, click here.