‘Southern Charm’ recap: Cameran Eubanks, don’t you dare leave us

Cameran Eubanks used to be the popular voice of reason on “Southern Charm.” She was the TV version of the best friend everyone wants — cute, fun, smart, direct and down for splitting appetizers at Chili’s whenever.

She kept the boys in check. She made all the points about Kathryn and Thomas that we could only make after the fact and on Twitter. And she stayed clean.

No dirt. No drama.

But then something happened.

Patricia Altschul.

It could be a Disney movie, I swear.

The pretty commoner from Anderson finds herself holding court with the evil queen and can’t help but be taken by her power, her charm, her Birkin bags.

Then one day the evil queen says to her, “Here. Here are some real estate leads, commoner. I give to you a list of my richest friends. Go forth and make big commissions. … I want only one thing in return: NEVER SAY MY SON, WHITNEY, IS IN LOVE WITH KATHRYN CALHOUN DENNIS OF MONCKS CORNERRRRRRRR”

Her voice echoes through the forest, and butlers huddle in fright. Martini glasses crack. Her three husbands leap into their hidey holes. And her facelift finally snaps, causing her skin to roll up like a cheap hotel blind before falling back in place.

I mean, right?

This is clearly the only explanation for why Cameran has aligned herself so tightly with Whitney in “he’s totally still annoyed that Kathryn dumped him for Thomas”-gate.

Actually, I get the loyalty. She sees a softer side of Whitney. She said so herself. He’s not the arrogant little rich boy (who is almost 48) that the rest of the world sees.

There’s more to him than that Billy Madison jean jacket look he was sporting while “cracking some metal” on Monday’s episode (it’s actually called “pretentiously playing guitar for the cameras and for your mom to prove that the lessons she paid for weren’t lost on you,” Whitney).

I, too, see a softer side to the little lord.

He is occasionally self-deprecating and shy and wears his heart on his sleeve.

But … that’s it.

Mostly I just see an executive producer who totally OK’d everything that has happened on the past two episodes of “Charm.”

I might be wrong. Whitney is listed as an EP in some places, but then only on one episode in other places. My hunch, though, is that he lost his cool to the bleeped-out degree that he did when Craig accused him of hating Kathryn as a result of loving Kathryn because it made for good television.

Maybe I’m too cynical.

Regardless, the tantrum Whitney threw at Shep Rose’s mountain home in North Carolina was suspicious and totally makes it look like Craig was absolutely right. As Shep put it — braving Shakespeare even after season 1’s monumental Shakespeare misquote from ol’ T-Rav — “thou doth protest too much.” (The quote is actually “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” but Shep referring to Whitney as a lady would’ve been too on the nose.)

Anyway, what could be better for ratings than viewers thinking that, like Craig, they’ve cracked the case on Whitney and Kathryn?

Boy did viewers come to Craig’s rescue Monday night. Twitter blew up with support for Scooby Craig, and Cameran became the new Landon, who, by the way, was awfully quiet during the Whitney-Kathryn drama and, as it turns out, was not wearing any pants at all that whole night at Shep’s mountain home.

I did not notice the lack of pants in the last episode.

I also didn’t notice that Craig was wearing a Hilton Head Island Oyster Festival shirt.

Way to represent, HashtagNewCraig.

I’m sorry that shirt didn’t come in fuchsia for you.

Other fun things from Monday’s episode:

— Whitney’s electric wok. Watch your back, ghost of Joyce Chen.

— Kathryn’s cracked phone screen, which we saw many scenes before we find out that Kathryn, who in the moment was “missing,” was so angry with Thomas (for wanting to go to Los Angeles during the week Kathryn was due) that she had just dropped her phone. Was that again? Or again again again?

— Thomas treating the nanny like she’s Dial-A-Shrink. There is no amount of money you could pay me to wear scrubs, go to the park with a child named Kensington and take lovelife phone calls from the beat-up, worn-down man whose playboy ways came to a screeching halt the day she was born.

— Twitter loves Kathryn. Twitter hates Cameran. Twitter secretly wanted more Landon so they could say bad stuff about her.

— Patricia Altschul’s assessment of Whitney’s rented Charleston loft: “It’s like ISIS prison camps.” Yes, I’m certain ISIS prison camps feature a selection of guitars, stainless steel appliances and La Mer for men.

— Craig’s honesty. He laid it out for Kathryn. “They want nothing to do with you and honestly, you shouldn’t care.” To which she answered, “Gosh.”

— Kathryn’s live-tweets during the show and her moment of sharing our pain:

This story was originally published May 23, 2016 at 11:27 PM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Cameran Eubanks, don’t you dare leave us."