Farrell: How to get a man to cough with the sound of a click

Each day, I'm reminded that we are merely wild animals who wear pants.

Humans are very different, of course, from the ducks and the otters and the billy goats, but sometimes we aren't.

Sometimes our peculiarities and our regular behaviors can be quietly narrated just as if we were the subject of a National Geographic special.

I notice this mostly in rooms.

At a bar, when a group of five guys in boat shoes and visors walks in with their own beer koozies from home, I notice it.

Or at a restaurant, when six women don't seem to realize they're all carrying variations of the same purse, I notice this too.

(But really, one time at Truffles, I did see an entire table of women get up and gather their Spartina 449s. Each woman had one. I really wanted to ask them if they talked about it ever.)

Narrator: "The female of the species will notice her friend's purse and say 'My gosh, that's unique. Where did you get it? They're made here, you say? And they're not as expensive as Coach or Michael Kors, but enough so that other people understand it? And Vera Bradley is over?!? When did that happen?' She will then purchase the same bag but in a different pattern so as not to 'copy.'"

I find great joy in discovering these patterns.

I'll share one with you that I think might be a real thing. I'm still studying it.

Whenever you're in a medium to large room and hear one person cough, just listen.

Soon after the cough, a gaggle of others will latch on to the disruption and add their own throat clearing to the mix.

I picture three or four people who ran out of cough drops or never had them in the first place, who are just swallowing and swallowing and hoping the itch in their throats will go away because, my sweet Lord, the presenter is talking and there is not one other sound happening right now so it's going to be weird for me if this happens, but it's coming, it's coming, oh no, no, no, ... finally one brave soul says, "Forget it. I'm going in."

COUGH COUGH BLAHHHH.

Cough cough!

Koffkoffkoffkoff!

Brackbrack.

You can almost feel the relief from the others as the chain of coughing follows. I'm not sure the thinking on it, though.

Are they hoping the rest of us will assume it's a coughing flash mob? Or is it simply good old American consolidation and efficiency at work?

Oh, I just figured it out. They're hiding. Of course! They're hiding behind the cough. It's fantastic. What a bunch of hop-ons!

In a similar situation, 10 years ago I was at a Barnes and Noble with some friends. A miserable man at a table near ours talked very very loudly and, worse, after three or four words, he would snarfle. Like clockwork. It was as if he had allergies. Or a cold. Or had never experienced tissues in his very grumpy life.

Narrator: "The male human often refuses to admit he needs a hearing aid ... and that he has graphic sinus problems he should perhaps see a doctor about."

One of my friends happened to have a dog clicker on him -- the kind that's used to reward canine behaviors with food and a sound and then later produce those behaviors when the sound is heard.

After every kerflurgle, my friend clicked.

The man said, "I TOLD MY SON ... snurrrrrrf (click) ... THAT HE OUGHT TO CALL A .... phrlerp (click) ... LAWYER ... snarrrrg (click click click)."

We did this for a while but did not stick around long enough to know if it worked.

In my head I know it didn't, but in my heart I do like to imagine a man out there who sniffles uncontrollably every time a dog learns to sit.

I probably need a hobby.

Follow columnist and senior editor Liz Farrell at twitter.com/elizfarrell and facebook.com/elizfarrell.

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This story was originally published December 18, 2015 at 6:07 PM with the headline "Farrell: How to get a man to cough with the sound of a click."