Has Lyle always dressed like an extra on “Seinfeld”?
I don’t know why I’m just noticing this now, but every scene he was in on Monday’s night’s “Southern Charm Savannah” finale was a subconscious reminder that sometimes men buy their shirts at Sears.
Every scene, that is, except the one I’d very much rather not talk about because what is WITH THIS SHOWWWWWW?
The week before was like an appalling episode of MTV’s (you-know-it’s-going-to-happen-in-the-future) show “Teen Dads Where Are They Now (Exactly Where They Were Before But With Gray Ones).”
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This week was like … I don’t even know.
Oh wait, I do know. It was like Lyle’s short-sleeved beige-y plaid button-up shirt collection came to life, formed a committee and used their wildest dreams of romance to hash out an “on-screen proposal” plan and a to-do list for Lyle that didn’t include “First talk to your woman about where she is on marriage right now because this is 2017” and “If she says no, dude, text your friends so you can warn them not to scream ‘Show us the ring’ as you and your ringless non-fiancee pull up to the restaurant in a tiny dinghy.”
Honest to God, this show might be too much for me. During the finale, I went through what I assume to be the five stages of Bravo grief in dealing with the death of my mindless enjoyment.
Maybe you did too. I don’t know. You tell me:
Stage 1 — REGULAR MIDLIFE BRAIN DETACHMENT: The viewer is only half paying attention while also playing Sporcle on her phone and texting (BUT SHE IS FINE. NO ONE TALK TO HER) because she knows how this plot goes and has predicted the following sequence — Lyle will be nervous, Catherine will act confused, Lyle will propose, Catherine will cover her mouth and cry a little while nodding, Lyle will surprise her with a boat ride, cameraman will film the two cuddling on the bow from an adjacent boat, Lyle will say “I’m the king of the world!,” the gang will cheer when the happy couple arrives at the restaurant, the gang will squeal and clap backs, the gang will make jokes about Daniel’s prospects and Louis’ lack of engagement game, Hannah will roll her eyes but give Louis a meaningful look with tear-filled eyes, gang will realize the time and rush to the Hurricane Matthew gala, Nelson will bring a dog, Ashley will hug Catherine as if she didn’t recently accuse her of cheating on Lyle a lot, Happy will point out this hypocrisy in a sidebar with Hannah.
Stage 2 — AMUSED EYE-ROLLING AT FRIEND WHO ISN’T THERE: Oh ... the old “pretend not to want to be like other girls” game. OK. OK. “The viewer” can spare one eye for the TV. But only one. The Sporcle timer is running low ...
Stage 3 — LETTING GO OF PHONE: Hang on. Is she really going to say no??? They’re not going to make us watch this humili-... Oh my God they are! Not again! No, Bravo, no ...
Stage 4 — FORGETTING THAT YOU’RE NOT ACUTALLY THERE: So wait, they’re actually coming to the restaurant anyway??? Right now??? Nooooooo! Go home, you two! GO. HOME. Oh what the hell? This is awkward as ... what do people even say in this situation? Do I hug Catherine and give Lyle a nod and then be like “So sorry about your dashed hopes and dreams”? I’m going to hide in the bathroom and let Azam say the right thing for everyone ...
Stage 5 — LATE-NIGHT CHEESE SANDWICH EATING: The viewer stands in her kitchen and replays the events in her head. Ha ... at least I was right about the dog.
Oh Jesus. I haven’t even mentioned the Ashley divorce thing yet.
OK, let’s just get this over with ... here is a breakdown of the trauma:
— Daniel is responsible enough to tend to his window-boxes, ladies. It’s time to put that neon tank top-wearer on lockdown.
— (Just pretend you haven’t noticed these two important details about him, though: 1. that every bathroom-pushup scene of his gets more and more surface-extreme and more and more yogic; and 2. that maniac was push-upping off a shower door made of glass.)
— Rich kid quote of the night: “In my next life I’ll have my own silver closet … oh wait I do.” Catherine, who lets us eat cake even though we don’t have as many serving utensil choices as she does
— Montage of the night: The one that followed Brandon’s diplomatic comment to Catherine (“I really don’t feel like your heart is in design”). If that montage could talk it would’ve said “Girl, your taste ... (scrunch-face).”
— This whole time you thought Catherine didn’t do anything for a living, right? ...Turns out that’s not true.
— Another basic Lyle fact I hadn’t noticed before: He and J.D. from the other “Southern Charm” are straight-up voice twins. Or else they both graduated from Not in Any Hurry to Say the Words University with an advanced degree in molasses.
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 1: Not asking Mr. Cooper for a receipt. Adorable tradition and all, but ... well, you know how it worked out. Times have changed in the South. Lyle did look really cute though. He hasn’t aged a bit since his “Seinfeld” background days.
— Relationship phrase to repeat: “You turn it into a superlative thing ...” Hannah and Louis’ couch discussion on their future was another too-real moment, but Hannah was so right. Not just about Louis’ tendency to characterize her behavior as “the most” or “the best” or “the person who always,” but about a lot of people’s tendency to do this. It was a really wise thing to point out in a moment of escalation. Did Hannah Pearson just solve America’s Yay Trump-Yuck Trump problem?
— Louis’ final response to Hannah’s concerns reminded me of the part in every Adam Sandler movie in which Adam Sandler decides to take adulthood more seriously now. Louis went from the ridiculous and clueless “You make me seem like such an adolescent … it’s so outrageous” to “I got this. You don’t need to worry about it” so quickly and with more earnestness than Billy Madison yelling out “Yahoo for school.”
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 2: You got cocky with the Beyonce quote, little lady. First, YOU put a ring on it, then get back to Louis. Second, always tell your best friends your proposal plan. You KNOW Daniel would’ve asked “Have you maybe considered feeling Catherine out a little before putting her on the spot in front of the viewing public?”
— I know you’re wondering. A “winky dinky dance” is whatever Nelson is doing at all times.
— Assumption of the night: Louis not answering his phone must be one of the reasons Hannah cries a little every episode.
— Moment that made Ashley go outside and cackle at the moon: When she heard Lyle say “Ashley’s fundraiser is not nearly as important as the rest of my life.”
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 3: “Catherine this is very serious …” is what you say when you’re about to tell her that the blood tests have come back and you are, in fact, her half-brother. It is not how you start your engagement pitch.
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 4: The crying and the “I want to effing marry you!” ... actions and words that have changed no woman’s mind ever.
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 5: (Flash to confused people in evening wear on a dock)
— Oh my God, that joke about their little boat! That’s the least of their issues. I PROMISE YOU.
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 6: Watch Catherine literally roll out of the dinghy in her gown. Rewind. Watch Catherine literally roll out of the dinghy in her gown. Rewind. Watch ... you get the picture.
— Hannah looks awesome in chartreuse-y yellow, right? I’m jealous. That’s a tan I’ll never have.
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 7: I mean, just look at these people’s faces. What kind of fresh horror would that be having your friends show up after getting engaged and them not being engaged? Worse, they’re Southerners so they’re kind of smiling and not being very forthcoming about the situation but we can all tell something’s wrong so where do we put our hands?
— Azam gave Happy his tux coat because it was chilly. Bravo didn’t show this. The gesture was not lost on viewers.
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 8: “How are we going to pay for her five unborn children to go to Country Day? I don’t care. That’s not on my priority list … she’s my priority.” You have known this woman for 16 years, Prince Marry. How did you not have an inkling that a. she’d like to talk about these things first and b. that you shouldn’t say “her” unborn children aren’t your priority? I guess this didn’t come up during your deal-making with Old Man Coops.
— Daniel is the best: “I think we kind of have to go …” UM YEAH GO NOW ASHLEY IS PISSSSSSED (Also she’s dressed like The Curse of the Stood-Up Skull Face so proceed with caution).
— When Hannah, Louis and Daniel put their masks on in their Uber, I was praying that they had decided to rob a bank instead of go into Ashley’s event hall of righteous fury.
— No but really, that whole thing was so rude. Wasn’t that gala like their whole Alicia Silverstone plan? The one they made at Hannah’s rotten oyster party? You can’t raise money for the Pismo Beach Disaster if you’re not there to raise money for the Pismo Beach Disaster, gang.
— Where Lyle Went Wrong Part 9: He should’ve run the plan by Azam. That man seems to be in sync with his lady. Plus, he’s the husband Katie from “Vanderpump Rules” always wanted. That dude sticks up for Happy without fail. (Though, honestly, Ashley deserved to yell freely ...)
— And then after all that (AFTER ALL THAT) we had to live through a behind-the-door request for a divorce? Poor Dennis with his healthy flush of a face. And poor us. My God. Divorce the man when we’re gone, Ashley.
But I have to say, bravo, Bravo. That was one serious season ... I don’t know how you expect us to want to see more of that. (Are they coming back another season, though? Asking for myself. I just need a little time to recover but then I’ll be ready for more.)