I wonder if producers considered starting last night’s episode with a voice-over intro: “On a very special ‘Southern Charm Savannah’ ...”
If not, they should have. That was a true missed opportunity because what a PSA that was.
Actually, more like 30 PSAs, all stitched together to form one big after-school special.
I’m honestly surprised the end of the episode didn’t feature a solemn-looking cast taking turns speaking directly to the camera.
Daniel: “If you’re being called the Yiddish N-word by a nervous mouse of a rich man who doesn’t know how to hang without pointing out your religion all the time because it’s different from his, know you are not alone ...”
Nelson: “If you’ve ever said ‘hellll damn no!’ with the kind of high-pitched voice and attitude that might emerge if your husband asked you to apologize to his girlfriend for suggesting she is a ‘woman of ill-repute,’ I stand with you ...”
Louis and Lyle: “If the most interesting thing about your personality is that you’ve stunk up the car, we can relate ...”
Hannah and Catherine: “If you’ve tried to get an apology out of Ashley and instead found yourself apologizing to her, we offer sad and slow nods in support of you ...”
Ashley: “If you consider your ironic skateboard a ‘valuable to take with you in a hurricane evacuation,’ I understand your mind ...”
Happy and Azam: “If you or someone you love is invited to a dinner party and you forget to ask questions such as ‘Will we be eating at this dinner party?,’ ‘Will there be racial insensitivity at this dinner party?’ or ‘Will I end up in tears at this dinner party?,’ we strongly suggest you do everything in your power to remember because, trust us, these are real things that can happen ...”
I mean, the whole episode was like bloop bloop bloop. One minute we were watching Ashley try to get in on Happy’s sadness shot with an awkward head pat, the next we were watching Nelson act like Marie Antoinette’s lesser-known sister Brandi-Lynn Antoinette, the next we’re like “What is a debtors club?” and the next we’re waking up from an involuntary nap caused by Louis’ sock factory lecture on threads.
Oh, and then Shep and T-Rav and Austen were bowling ...
I kind of feel like Bravo might have put pot in my TV last night because that was a dosing.
Here are some other moments worth talking about:
— Something tells me Nelson has been going to all the area’s bookstores today and writing “Don’t quote someone in their own home” in every etiquette book because THAT IS NOT A RULE, LADY. Don’t quote me in my own home? I mean, I get it. Our homes are our safe space etc. etc. but not when you say something on camera for the whole world to see. Bravo isn’t your drawing room, Nelson.
— First quote of the night: “Everybody’s always going to hate the independently wealthy.” (Nelson’s — aka Brandi-Lynn Antoinette’s — version of “Haters gonna hate the cake they should eat”)
— Second quote of the night: “What is that supposed to mean, professor?” (I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for Nelson to say this to Lyle even though I’ve only known for a month that these two humans exist)
— Katie Maloney from “Vanderpump Rules” needs to show last night’s “SC SAV” episode to Schwartz because Azam just fulfilled her every dream with his ability to have his fiancee’s back. THAT is how you couple.
— Unanswered question of the night: What the fuhfuh is “debtors club”? And, not to be rude, but how does Daniel Eichholz not qualify for that club? His dad was found guilty of the cough cough and Daniel had to pick up the pieces of the cough cough so I think he understands the trials and tribulations of a debtor. Also, is this the club of rich dudes that devises ways to live high on the hog with no intention of paying all their bills because they plan to just charge it back to taxpayers and the bill-paying consumers through declaring bankruptcy? No? Sounds like it, though ...
— While I support good gossip, I don’t know why we needed to know about the number of Blow-Pops Hannah and Catherine give to Louis and Lyle. Plus an easier way to get to that number would have been to ask Louis and Lyle how many times they haven’t disappointed Hannah and Catherine because there’s your answer.
— Catherine had one of my favorite quintessentially Southern moments ever. When Ashley showed up to Forsyth Park looking like Rosie the Riveter going to a Punky Brewster convention and Catherine told Ashley she looked nice, I’m betting it was because Catherine asked herself and the Lord “What the heck is Ashley wearing today?,” which caused her to stare for just a beat too long, which she then had to cover up with a compulsive compliment that objectively did not match the situation. Even Ashley was like “Mmmm. What?”
— “If polo shirts tucked into khaki shorts on drunk frat boys is your scene then this is this is the spot for you.” ... that’s what one Yelp reviewer wrote about the place Louis hosted his pop-up sock shop. .... That’s kind of smart of him.
— Hilton Head represent! Turns out Louis once partied with Shep Rose at the RBC Heritage Presented By Boeing golf tournament.
— No really, Lyle looks like Richard from “Sex and the City.” (Seriously, look) I not only can’t get this association out of my mind, I specifically can’t get the naked Richard pool scene out of my mind (100 percent of this can be attributed to the fact that, back in the day, I played that scene over and over in slow motion because I wanted to see the guy’s, um, situation and I clearly broke my brain because now every time Lyle is on the screen I see Richard’s, um, situation as he and, um, “it” leap into the pool together). Thank you, Sarah Jessica Parker.
— Shep was in rare form though, right? And what was this question of his: “Should I just impregnate somebody?” I stopped screaming “Nooooo!” at the screen the second the scene cut to shots being brought to the table because that is more like it ...
— Biggest laugh of the night: Seeing Thomas Ravenel at a paint your own pottery studio ... that was amazing. I want to watch a show that puts Thomas Ravenel in other unlikely scenarios, like behind the wheel of a Kia Rio at a Wendys drive-thru or shopping for Yankee candles and considering each one with a sniff or breaking it down in a Zumba class.
— Is it just me or does every episode of this show feature firetrucks?
— “Longer fibers contribute to the strength and softness of apparel and home products, ensuring they are more comfortable, retain color longer and resist pilling. Shorter fibers produce yarns that are rougher and subject to pilling on the surface of the product over time.” Supima Pima Cotton, y’all ... zzzzzzzzz.
— God bless Catherine for putting Thomas’ dopey pronunciations in their place. “It’s not Cuhpah ...” And God bless her for forcing T-Rav to listen to her relationship philosophies. He deserved that.
— Seeing Austen on “Southern Charm Savannah” actually made me nostalgic for Austen on “Southern Charm.” I don’t even know what to do with that emotion because he hasn’t even gone anywhere.
— Oh by the way, Thomas, “I don’t really care if I get married ...”? THEN WHAT IS THAT STORY LINE WITH LANDON???? Those two. I swear. They don’t even make an effort to pretend that they haven’t been faking their “will we or won’t we” narrative on the other show. Landon even went on Entertainment Tonight last month and was like “Thomas ... is just more like a family member, an uncle or a cousin or something. We’ve never crossed those lines and we never will.” First of all, right. Second, thanks for making us watch 10 weeks of you squint-flirting with your uncle-cousin.
— You know how the Kardashians are always like “We love filming our show because it’s like home movies. It preseves our memories rah rah rah” and you’re like “OK. Sure. Whatever”? I have to say, I was kind of thrilled to relive the whole Hurricane Matthew experience on Bravo. It was like awwwww, remember that time everything sucked for everyone? Good times.