‘Southern Charm’ recap: Stop trying to change Shep Rose

Well, Thomas Ravenel uses a Clarisonic on his face, which upsets me greatly because in every one of these past three episodes of “Southern Charm” I’ve said to myself, “That man’s skin looks like he scrubs it with Gentry Bourbon and Kathryn Dennis’ personality.”

(That’s right, she’s abrasive and grating.)

I’m hoping the Clarisonic is a new addition to his face-cleaning routine because otherwise I will need to launch mine off the top of Shep’s roof deck immediately.

Speaking of Shep Rose, let’s first discuss the RBC Heritage Presented by Boeing golf tournament this past weekend on Hilton Head Island.

Who saw him out and about?

Sources have told me that the lovable bachelor was spotted at the 18th lawn surrounded by a gaggle of girls and that there was also talk of “hooking up.”

You don’t say.

Whatever went down, it looks like he was able to meet up with old friends, who, according to his Instagram and Facebook accounts, kept him grounded.

Here are some photos from his Instagram:

Whatever your personal opinion of Shep might be, the TV version of him has always struck me as authentic, as in he is who he is and that’s the whole story of that guy — whether he’s authentically being a sweetheart, a cad, a Mama’s Boy or a straight-up jerk (that night of the man auction in Season 2 was not a good look for him … and neither was the purple shirt he wore to Heritage. I’m sorry, but it needed to be said).

It’s really interesting to me, though, that Cameran seems intent on changing Shep when everyone else seems fine and dandy with his behavior (it’s not like he’s Jax from “Vanderpump Rules”).

At the beginning of Monday’s episode Cameran calls Shep “the same old hound.”

Later she scolds him for sleeping in and only accomplishing lunch that day.

“What time did you wake up?” she wants to know.

“10:30,” he says.

Flash to a shot of him still sleeping at 10:45 a.m.

“I only wake up early for surfing, duck hunting and sex,” he says in his interview.

(He goes back to bed after the sex, though.)

One of my favorite “Southern Charm” moments happened on this episode, actually: Shep’s Facetime call with his mom.

“Mama,” he says to her when she appears onscreen as an up-close version of her cheek, “You’re on FaceTime. You have to look at the screen.”

She only somewhat manages to do that. About half of her face shows up, but you can still tell she’s beyond happy to hear from her boy.

“She could be crying herself to sleep every night (about me), but she doesn’t tell me about it,” he jokes in the interview.

By the way, I came across this adorable Tweet from Shep when he returned home to Hilton Head for Heritage:

Anyway, here are some of the best moments from the most recent “Southern Charm” episode:

— J.D. Madison tells Craig to keep a change of clothes at work in case Craig needs to pitch in with some demolition work.

Old Craig, a man wearing turquoise-white-striped socks, a “Mad Men” part in his hair and four minutes of “firm hold,” is understandably worried about what this will mean for him, but New Craig is going to just go with it.

New Craig also bought Naomie a $3K ring because, according to Cameran, Craig knows “Naomie is so far out of Craig’s league. He wants to lock her down.”

—T-Rav shows up to Patricia’s home with a torn bag (what was even in that?) to see if he can secure the mother of his children an invite to her flamingo party, which Patricia appears to only be throwing so she can meet the criteria of being a “Southern party hostess” a la the book deal she secured under that premise. I thought flamingos were considered declasse but I guess in her world flamingo party equals photo op!

Best moment of the Patricia scenes was Michael the butler telling T-Rav in a Scarlett O’Hara voice “We haven’t seen you in a hen’s age.” I bet we find out that man’s from the Bronx.

Wait a second, where was Whitney? He wasn’t in this episode at all. Meh. Who needs him?

— Kathryn’s apartment tears! “I need you to co-sign on this because otherwise our kids will think I can’t provide for them.” Please. Every time she is on screen I reach for the remote because I think my dog accidentally switched the channel to “Teen Mom.” If only she’d met T-Rav when she was in high school … oh, I just realized how creepy it is to say that. But seriously, she would’ve been really great on that show. In fact, Bravo should try its hand at a “Charm” spinoff, “Shouldn’t Be Moms.”

I really enjoyed Kathryn’s bit of wisdom about how it takes two people to make a baby because it takes two people to raise a baby. Yeah, you maniac, that’s why you don’t skip the pill when you’re doing it with Charleston’s biggest playboy. Her polo meltdown made me wish for “Teen Mom.” Those girls are more far more mature.

— Poor Landon ... her real-life pain is far too boring for this show.

Best line from the night: “I’m going to use the Porter Potty.” (Kathryn Dennis. That’s how they do in Moncks Corner, I guess)

Best sudden lack of eyebrows while riding in a Maserati: Kathryn Dennis putting on her face (gurrrl, you better not have gotten any makeup marks in Jennifer’s car)

Best reason for leaving a Thomas Ravenel gathering: There’s alcohol there (come on, Kathryn, what’d you think?)

Best reaction when asked if you and the man whose second baby you’re carrying will share a bed that night: Kathryn Dennis … “NO! I don’t know who’s been in there.”

Imagine if women could get double-pregnant. Something tells me her answer would be a lot different if that were the case.

This story was originally published April 18, 2016 at 11:28 PM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Stop trying to change Shep Rose."