Why a $42,000 parking spot in Old Town Bluffton might not be such a bad thing

If you’ve been wondering about that mysterious “special event” happening next week on Calhoun Street in Old Town Bluffton, I can tell you what it most certainly isn’t.

It is not a mandatory town-wide etiquette class on parallel parking, no matter how much I want it to be, because quit pulling up to my bumper while I’m trying to do this very thing, you surprisingly high number of drivers who do this.

When someone turns on her right blinker and she isn’t at an intersection, I assure you she is not trying to alert the car behind her that she — a polite and law-abiding driver as evidenced by her use of a directional — is about to ride over the sidewalk and plow into a building.

Usually.

Other workshops in my imaginary parallel parking etiquette class next week would include “Don’t Watch Me Do This,” “That’s Too Close to My Car,” “You See How Far You Are from the Curb, Right?” “Yes, I Just Took a Picture of Your Very Crooked Parking Job for Facebook” and “No!”

At the end of all these workshops, we would attend a toe-tapping, noise-ordinance-breaker of a concert featuring the new town anthem I commissioned called “You Can’t Always Park Where You Want.”

Sorry. I turn into a real opinion-slinger when it comes to parking in Bluffton, in particular the “lack of” parking in town.

Here’s the rant I make at every opportunity: I have never had trouble finding a spot. Not a single time. Then again, I don’t mind driving around the block to find a spot or walking a few extra steps to my destination.

This isn’t fair, of course.

It’s the typical “my experience should be that of everyone” argument.

There are a lot of factors here: age, patience, block-walking abilities, hunger levels, weather-tolerance, geographical upbringing, familiarity with the area, time availability, and interest in “Homeland” fan fiction — which I just found out is a thing, and I’m afraid to read.

Parking in Old Town is a legitimate concern, especially as we continue to grow. Small-business owners rely on customer accessibility. And customers rely on having days free from vehicular annoyance.

So I will now officially concede my point and say that my parking nonchalance and I are on board.

In fact, when the lot on Boundary Street, which the town plans to purchase for just over $1 million, is turned into 26 parking spots, my car and I are going to be the first in line to park, put on the plush spa robes that I assume come with each spot and make a toast.

“Now THIS is parking,” my car will say.

“Isn’t it, though?” I’ll laugh before clinking glasses. “Can’t you just feel the luxury beneath your wheels?”

I’m going to sit for a while and enjoy this Ritz Carlton of parking.

Oh right. I haven’t explained.

In simple math terms, each spot will cost the town at least $42,000.

That’s $10,000 more than the average new car costs.

For a rectangle of earth and air.

It’s like day care for your car.

I’m just going to say it, though: No matter how shocked I still am by the numbers, I’m actually fine with $42,000 parking spots in this case.

The Boundary Street lot is a decent solution.

It will help the town preserve some green space in the historic district, and it might even include a passive park, which I’m excited about because I’ve never been to a park that says “I’m fine” whenever you ask it what’s wrong.

It also means the town won’t be getting a parking garage just yet, which is a good thing, even though if it’s an unavoidable eventuality.

Sometimes I picture what that will be like if that day comes, seeing a cold, gray garage in warm, colorful Bluffton, and I shudder.

I think it’s why I like to stress over and over again how easy I find it to park in Old Town.

Between my words is a plea: “Don’t give the garage-makers any big ideas.”

The Boundary Street lot will help delay any bigger plan for paving over paradise for now.

And, as a bonus, there will be 26 fewer people complaining about parking in Old Town.

Which means more time for them to write “Homeland” fan fiction if they want.

May I suggest a plot line that shows how considerate spies are when they parallel park in small towns?

This story was originally published September 28, 2016 at 4:56 PM with the headline "Why a $42,000 parking spot in Old Town Bluffton might not be such a bad thing."