‘Southern Charm’ recap: Is T-Rav the daddy? Find out on next week’s ‘Maury Povich’

When professional ennui sets in for Craig Conover — aka The Craig Gatsby — he follows the advice that any Charlestonian who has been injured at work would: Don’t scream! Call Akim!

I did not make that up.

“Don’t scream! Call Akim!” is literally the slogan of Akim Anastopoulo’s law firm, where Craig worked until he was fired for being a millennial stereotype.

What choice does Craig have, though, really? Things aren’t going so well with JD over at Gentry, mainly because Craig already did his entire job by taking this position with JD in the first place (I’ll loud-whisper his entire job for you: GETTING MORE SCREEN TIME FOR JD).

It only makes sense that Craig would turn to Akim, his former mentor, for advice on his future.

How he knew to wear virtually the same outfit as Akim, though, I will never know. But I do think there were two ventriloquist’s dummies at a “Southern Charm” watch party last night who finally got some answers on their stolen purple plaid jackets and silly socks.

“Say, Mortimer. Ain’t those the perpetrators who took our duds?”

“Yuk yuk yuk, who wore it best, Charlie?”

The most surprising part of Craig’s professional session was not that he showed up in a Porsche SUV (because that was shocking to me … where did he get that?) but that Akim had the audacity to lecture Craig on his follow-through.

Homeboy needs to check himself. How does Akim think the 14 people who follow him on Twitter (Craig isn’t even one of them) feel about his stick-with-it-ness?

Hello, Twitter! #MyFirstTweet? AND THEN NOTHING for 605 days and counting? Not even a “Check me out on ‘Southern Charm’ tonight”? Or a “Yoo-hoo” just to let us know he’s alive and OK?

Other fun stuff from the show Monday night:

— Best Shep-gets-dumped-by-Bailey feedback from viewers on Twitter (my favorite is “monotonously dating.” It’s monoga— you know what? Never mind, man. I got you):

— Silliest misinterpretations of Shep’s name on Twitter: Sheb and Sheep.

— Moment that made me suddenly start moonwalking away from the TV while looking anywhere BUT at the screen: Landon telling Shep she loves him. Ugh. I was so looking forward to this scene and it was everything I thought I had wanted. Shep was horrified and then acted like he had no idea that she had been pining for him. And then he left. It was so awkward that I started to feel bad for mean old Landon, but only temporarily because ...

— Person who needs to go to the free “Build Your Own Website” seminar at the public library: Landon. When she pulled out those print-outs to show Lockhart Steele her magazine concept, I almost died from secondhand embarrassment. I really don’t want to stomp all over her dreams, but she’s the one who put this on TV, so I have to. Here goes: First, Roam is the perfect name for a Landon publication because that describes her brain. Second, “Eat Sleep Play” was her secondary concept for Roam. Girl, do your Lowcountry research. And finally, Roam is actually a thing now. Well, sort of. For the past month Landon’s been rolling out this site, which is still just a single picture. Also, Roam.com was already taken by another single-picture publication (featuring “Tower of London collection of Royal Mounts”), so she’s had to go with Roam-Guide.com. Hyphens in a URL. Ew. Here are some suggestions, Landon: “RoamWithLandon.com” or “RoamtheWorld.com” or “Ring-a-ling-a-ling. Hello? Is this the Royal Mounts person who made half an effort with Roam.com? How much do you want for that URL? I can pay you in vision board lessons.”

— The biggest nuclear bomb dropped by the only actual “nuclear family” man: T-Rav and Kathryn did a paternity test on St. Foofoolarue and “the test was inconclusive.” Whaaaaaa. Before I say any more, I want to clarify my position on T-Rav’s circumcision talk during bourbon and cigar night with the boys: God. Shut up. Stop talking about your junk. Every vomiting gif got used on Twitter last night. There’s not a vomiting gif left. But back to the test … how about The Craig Gatsby selling out Kathryn? Not cool, man. “She had a boyfriend when Julien was conceived.” Craig has spent this entire season doing spirit tucks on Kathryn’s behalf AND he threw her a baby shower (dibs on the shark robe). Why turn on her now, gurl? This revelation of “inconclusiveness” was the perfect note to leave us on because it appears next week’s episode is about to go full-on Maury Povich. “Thomas Ravenel, you are ......... the father.” “AHHHH TOLD Y’ALL. I SAID WE CONCEIVED THIS CHILD DURING OUR LOVE WEEKEND.” I do hope they all go ham on each other and that they know what to do if someone gets hurt: Call Akim! … seriously, that guy rakes in millions for the injured, if he does say so himself.

This story was originally published June 7, 2016 at 12:17 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Is T-Rav the daddy? Find out on next week’s ‘Maury Povich’."