‘Southern Charm’ recap: How to throw a reality TV dinner party without drama

Episode 2 of the third season of “Southern Charm,” has our favorite ‘Charmer’ Cameran Eubanks in search of a little domestication. Her reason: Well, if she won’t give her husband the baby he wants right now, then she’ll whip him up some prime rib instead.

It’s a birth control door prize.

Cameran decides to give her inchoate cooking skills a dry-run by hosting a dinner party at her home. She does this using wedding gifts she’d never opened and under the tutelage of The Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits.

I’m happy to report that The Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits is a real thing. I immediately Googled it because I thought “A homemaker’s school? What year is this?”

The school is not only real, it is run by Suzanne Pollak, who, as it turns out, along with Pat Conroy, is the co-author of “The Pat Conroy Cookbook.” Small world.

Fun fact about the CADP website: You can buy a $200 “Southern Charm” cooking class or an eBook for $2.99 that replicates what you just saw on this episode of “Southern Charm.” It’s called “The Charleston Academy for Domestic Pursuits Cliff Notes to Cameran’s Southern Charm Dinner Party.”

Oh dear, this just got awkward. I think Cad-Puh (I assume that’s how you pronounce it) means “Cliffs” Notes. Which brings us to the first dinner-party lesson gleaned from this episode — if you’re going to rip off a trademark, you might want to Cys-Fuh … or Check Your Spelling First.

Cameran’s dinner party, though, truly does require some supplementary text to explain …

First, Kathryn Dennis wasn’t invited.

And last time I checked, this was Bravo TV.

Since when does Bravo TV — the channel of table-flipping, drink-throwing, psychic-smoking-and-threatening-future-paralysis — allow its casts to not include other more dramatic cast members in a dinner party so as to prevent explosive interactions?

Apparently now.

Here, in my estimation from watching this episode of “Southern Charm” using my parents’ cable-app password and a sluggish Internet connection, is how to host a Bravo TV dinner party without the person who will break dishes over other guests’ heads:

1. Invite a rich old lady who will gift you a human being for the night.

Pat Altschul is 74, and though she looks 42, I still have to ask, Why is she always hanging out with her son’s friends?

She’s far too cool for those maniacs.

I am, however, glad she accepted the invite because otherwise we would not have seen her offer Cameran her butler for the night.

“It’s the best gift I’ve ever been given,” Cameran says unironically in what, in fact, should have been a very ironic interview because HELLO, THIS IS THE AMERICA AND HUMANS AREN’T TRANSFERRABLE … anymore.

I shouldn’t be so sensitive. Michael later informs Cameran that she can’t afford him, so homeboy is making bank. Also, he got snippy with her. “You don’t have to do that,” she told him sweetly when she saw him washing her saucepan. “The kitchen,” he said icily, “should always be as tidy as possible before your guests arrive.”

He literally sounded like Patricia, same voice, same cadence, same snitty judgment — which makes me think they might be the same person. Have we ever seen them in a shot together?

2. Make sure the person not invited finds out about her noninvite right before the party so it gets really weird for the only person still friends with her.

Right as Craig is pulling on his pink socks for the party, Kathryn shows up at his West Ashley home. She soon finds out, for the second time that day, there is yet another party she hasn’t been invited to.

For the first time in reality TV history, I think we saw someone genuinely find out about their rejection on camera. When Kathryn first hears about her lack of Patricia Altschul’s Flamingo Party invite, she looks confused, then resigned, then offended and then freaks out on her friend Jennifer, who lamely suggests she might check her spam folder (as if Patricia Altschul would send an eVite … get real).

“What have I done?,” Kathryn fumes. “Does anyone know? Because I’ve asked a thousand people.”

Oh sweetie.

Just watch the first two seasons.

3. Have the “only friend left” advocate for the non-invited person while Patricia Altschul is trying to chew the well-done slab of meat that Cameran forked from Danni’s plate (she took Patricia’s slice! Oops!) and dropped unceremoniously onto Patricia’s plate.

“It’s tough watching Kathryn get frozen out by the group,” Craig says to the camera before the in-progress Craig “Kathryn Crusades” at the dinner table.

When he suggests that Kathryn wants to fix this so she can be back on the invite list, everyone starts talking at once.

Now we’re cooking with fire. Here’s the drama.

Patricia begins to list Kathryn’s priors: she gets in a tizzy, she tells people to eff-off, she uses her middle fingers …

Cameran says she simply didn’t want the trouble.

Shep points out in his interview that Craig isn’t going to “change the hearts and minds of everyone over prime rib.”

I couldn’t help but think about the Season 2 reunion when Whitney out-and-out told Kathryn that everyone on the show thinks she had Baby No. 1 just to get on a reality TV show.

Craig’s face when that happened … my God. He was one second away from grabbing his collar and airing out his neck before cartoon-exiting the set.

But it kind of seems like she did do that, right?

Speaking of baby daddies. Thomas Ravenel … he wasn’t at the dinner party. Because of my aforementioned shoddy Internet connection, though, I don’t actually know if he was invited or not.

We did, however, get to see him slur his way through some French earlier in the episode at a dinner with Whitney and Patricia.

I tell you, the man seems like he’s falling apart. I swear he’s aged 10 years since he had his kids. He’s got to pull it together. He’s a single father now. He has a family and a household to provide for ...

Oh.

Maybe he should take some classes at The Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits.

This story was originally published April 12, 2016 at 12:19 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: How to throw a reality TV dinner party without drama."