Farrell: If Santa figures out how to deliver unboxing videos, let me know
My 3-year-old niece is a big fan of unboxing videos.
She watches them on my iPad every time I visit her, which leaves my YouTube history a mess and supplants all my self-help calming hypnosis videos with ones that feature the hands of grown men and women with put-on voices and Anna and Elsa manicures -- grown men and women who earn millions of dollars a year filming themselves as they open all manner of Kinder Eggs and assemble Play-Doh sets while narrating their actions.
Millions of dollars. A year.
These videos are how I know there's a My Little Pony named Pinkie Pie.
They're how I know there are loathsome and tiny pieces of food-shaped plastic called Shopkins.
They're the reason I nearly bit off my tongue in suppressed rage because one narrator kept referring to "Peppa Pig," the British cartoon, as "Pepper Pig" and had the audacity to correct his child when she correctly said "Peppa."
IT'S YOUR ONLY JOB, GUY. You're the one who woke up one day and said, "I think I'll film my hands as they play with toys for my career." Be the expert.
These videos are why I have to search for more of the self-help calming hypnotic variety.
I listen to the giggles of the narrators as they describe what they're doing, and I get incensed. I'm not sure why. It's not jealousy necessarily, though that's there. It's more akin to watching lottery winners do the Macarena -- just lucky people following a template and smiling as if they could dance on their own.
The enjoyment of unboxing videos is not at all unique to the toddler set, but they lead the pack of fans significantly.
Last year, in an effort to understand what it was my niece found so fascinating, I read a New York Times essay by Mireille Silcoff, a concerned mother who did some research when she found that her toddler much preferred unboxing videos to just about anything else, even Cookie Monster.
Silcoff tried to track down DisneyCollector, who is now known as FunToyzCollector, not to be confused with the I-assume-happiness-addicts over at the Disney Cars Toy Club channel.
The identity of FunToyzCollector, who not only was the most popular toy unboxer in 2014, but also most likely the highest earner on all of YouTube that year, is a mystery.
She is estimated to have made $4.9 million last year and has entertained hundreds of millions of our nation's children, but no one knows who she is.
Other than a genius among copycats who can't pronounce British pig names.
"Her most popular clip to date has the abstruse but keyword-dense title 'Angry Birds Toy Surprise Jake and the Never Land Pirates Disney Pixar Cars 2 Easter Egg SpongeBob,'" Silcoff wrote. "At last check, it had garnered more than 90 million hits. To put that into perspective: It's as if every child under age 5 in the United States has seen it. Four times."
My niece loves her unboxing videos so much, she uses them as negotiation tools.
"I watch two episodes and then take my nap," she instructs her father.
"You can watch one before your nap," he will say.
"Two," she will say.
"One."
"Two."
"It's about to be zero."
"... One" (sad voice).
The three things I find most interesting about the unboxing video phenomena are this: One, toddlers and preschoolers are the kings and queens of "No, I do it." They grab at whatever you're trying to open for them and insist that their chubby little meat paws have far more dexterity than your tapered and practiced phalanges do.
How are they so content to watch someone else do one of the top things they think they're really good at?
The second thing I find most interesting is the math.
Give a small child a $20 Play-Doh kit, and they're entertained for 12 minutes, tops. The table is a mess. The rug is a mess. And the Play-Doh is now all a purplish mix of everything.
Hand them your phone, spend nothing and queue up an unboxing video of someone putting together the same Play-Doh kit they just walked away from, though, and they will watch with quiet fulfillment until a parent or two finally notices they haven't heard from their child in years. I'm telling you, at 2 these kids know how to use autoplay to their advantage.
Lastly, these unboxing barons have robbed gift-givers of a major gift-giving opportunity.
What other gift in the world captures children's attention so consistently?
And leaves no mess?
And costs nothing?
And doesn't harm the environment, small kids' throats, vacuums or pets?
Unboxing videos are literally the perfect gift.
I just have to figure out how to box them.
Follow columnist and senior editor Liz Farrell at twitter.com/elizfarrell and facebook.com/elizfarrell.
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This story was originally published November 30, 2015 at 4:55 PM with the headline "Farrell: If Santa figures out how to deliver unboxing videos, let me know."