How to make Hilton Head Coastal Living’s No. 1 Happiest Seaside Town for 2017

On Monday morning, Coastal Living magazine named the Top 10 nominees for its 2017 Happiest Seaside Town contest and Hilton Head Island is on there.

It’s No. 7 if you go in alphabetical order, which Coastal Living did in its announcement.

And No. 5 in voting as of noon.

Which is just unacceptable.

We’re the clear front-runner. Beaufort County is the list-iest of all list-makers.

And I’m just going to say it. Now is the time for Hilton Head to go for total seaside town domination.

No more humility. We’re the happiest. Grrrrrr.

So watch your backs, Sarasota and Fernandina Beach, Fla.

You might live in the nation’s sunniest vacation state, but we’re an island and people love those ... in fact, Hilton Head’s Town Council loves them so much they secretly now openly want to annex another one.

Double island. Try to beat that.

And get a life, seaside towns in Maine, California, Washington, New Jersey, Michigan and Massachusetts.

Your visitors aren’t smiling, they’re saying “brrrrr.”

“Happiest Seaside Town” means ice cream cones not ice scrapers.

It means barefoot, moon-lit walks on the beach and flushed cheeks, not indoor huddles under a sea lion blanket while brushing up on the cure for rickets by the dim glow of a whale blubber lamp.

Oh. I’m being catty, aren’t I?

Well, it’s called payback.

Remember in 2013 when Beaufort was named the Happiest Seaside Town in 2013 and that USA Today reporter started her story about it with a fact she pulled from her Random and Ridiculous Laws That Still Exist In Every State Not Just Ours Page-A-Day Calendar?

“In America’s happiest seaside town, it’s legal to beat your wife on the courthouse steps. But only on Sundays.”

It gets better. The headline on that story was “America’s Happiest Seaside Town?” As if the reporter had dug deep and uncovered some unavoidable and ironic truth that Beaufort and Coastal Living didn’t want the world to know.

Exposed! The contest is a sham! Beaufort’s smiles are just the lies they’ve been telling to their own faces to avoid being asked about what can legally happen on their courthouse steps.

“The courthouse steps on Sunday? Why, I have no idea ... we, we ... we don’t talk about that here. RUN. RUN BEFORE COASTAL LIVING HEARS YOU!”

I mean, yeah, if you think about that law it does lead to many more questions. Which Beaufort husband OK’d this? What was his problem? He sounds dumb, was he dumb? Did anyone like him at all? Or was he a modern man? Maybe the courthouse didn’t have stairs. Or maybe the stairs were closed on Sundays and that was the point. Did anyone think of that?

It doesn’t matter. This time, we’re not getting Fun-Facted, because I’m going to air all Hilton Head’s dirty laundry right now:

▪  “Sometimes people confuse ibises with snowy white egrets.”

▪  “Eight out of 10 islanders think Sir William Hilton brought hotels to the island.”

▪  “We built the flyover just to say ‘wheeee.’”

▪  “The island is actually governed by an elite group of dolphin called The Bill-derberg Group.”

Voting closes Oct. 17. And, just like (I assume) the Russians will do on our Election Day, you can vote every 15 minutes.

Go to www.coastalliving.com/travel/happiest-seaside-town and ignore the quaint and adorable photos of our competitors.

Just keep hitting that Vote button under the photo of the Harbour Town Lighthouse until your finger gets tired, then switch hands.

Then do it again.

Again!

Don’t forget to smile! Vote! Smile! Vote! We’re the happiest! WE are!

See you on the courtroom steps, Florida.

This story was originally published September 26, 2016 at 12:47 PM with the headline "How to make Hilton Head Coastal Living’s No. 1 Happiest Seaside Town for 2017."