1. “I bought you a tiny raincoat. It has a hood.”
2. “It’s just rain, buddy. Literally, it’s just water, like at the beach. Really. Totally not a big deal. It’s a puddle, but above you. You step in puddles all the time. Nothing happened. Remember? See how I’m acting super casual on account of its not anything to be scared of? In fact, I’m really enjoying this tropical storm. It’s so fun ........... Please go potty. Please, please, please. I have to leave for work. People who don’t work can’t buy elk bones.”
3. “Hmmm. Interesting. THAT dog doesn’t care about a little rain or wind or the Cone of Uncertainty. He’s walking. Walking! Not stubbornly standing under an overhang. Not looking at his owner like ‘Girl. NO.’ He’s listening to his owner attentively and acting like it’s not even storming. THAT dog is probably getting a treat when he gets home. Guess which dog ISN’T getting a treat ......... (whispers) it’s you.”
4. “The cat’s not scared. No, no, no, no. I’m not comparing. I’m just listing things I’ve noticed today.”
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5. “Attention, household: All dogs who pooped outside today despite the tropical storm that isn’t at all scary, please report to the kitchen for the brand-new all-you-can-eat cheese bar ....... not so fast, friend.”