Europeans might think we’re stupid, but wow it feels good to be so chill

Europeans have another complaint about Americans.

I’m not saying this as a complaint against them, mind you. I’m just saying this as a person who was in Rome when McDonald’s first launched its McItaly sandwich.

The whole nation was outraged. The fat Americans have struck again! They have no respect for culinary traditions!

I started to look up how to say “The hamburger on a ciabatta — and calling that ‘Italian food’ — was NOT the idea of 99 point infinity percent of Americans so please don’t put that on us” in Italian, but I realized it was a waste of time.

Haters gonna hate. Also, I was kind of embarrassed that it was likely an American who OK’d the name “McItaly.”

Give it half an effort, branding genius. I can come up with five names better than that just off the top of my head: Et tu, Bruschetta? Roman Hollandaise. The McStallone. Eat Pray Loaf of Meat. The Donatella Burgsace.

Europe’s most recent complaint is about something I, unfortunately, hold very dear to my heart, however: temperature control.

A recent report in The Washington Post, “Europe to Americans: Your love of air-conditioning is stupid,” basically says that Europeans are better because they can tolerate heat more than we can.

Europeans dress appropriately for the weather.

And they know that “summer is hot” and “winter is cold.” Whereas we think both are always 70 degrees.

I get it. We are monsters who need to huddle under blankets in our living rooms while the sun fries the sidewalks outside. Meanwhile the other Earthlings know how to bravely sweat it out on their couches and don’t mind peeling off all the receipts from their Superiority pills that keep getting stuck to their perspiring arms.

You found us out, Europeans. We are a nation of people who enjoy being comfortable. We are ants who figured out how to lower the temperature of our hills and to raise the industriousness of its inhabitants.

Listen, I get more done when I’m slightly refrigerated.

I am in a better mood.

I sleep better.

And I’m kinder.

I am also a little ashamed of all this.

Air conditioning is one of the major contributors to global warming, according to many studies produced in air-conditioned labs.

I have often wished I didn’t like it.

I did not grow up with central air. I enjoy a balmy breeze and most of the smells in nature. And I would love to use my air-conditioning budget to revisit Rome so I can give them my alternate burger name ideas.

It would be really awesome to drive with my windows down, but it’s so loud and it gives other drivers the impression that something doesn’t smell great in my car.

I’d also like to one day try sleeping with my windows open if “sleeping” meant sitting by that open window with a baseball bat and my finger hovered over the Beaufort County Sheriff’s Office entry in my contact list.

The most worrisome thing about environmental issues, of course, is when the bad habits of a few are imagined for the many. What if India starts loving life at 72? What if every other hot place on Earth hears about this magical kingdom where we get to enjoy summer and winter at the same time?

(By the way, is there any greater feeling than leaving a frigid building and walking into the steamy Lowcountry air? Or escaping the wet washcloth of a life that is Beaufort County outdoors and feeling the relief of the arctic blast of its indoors? We invented that. … I think.)

If the rest of the world did what we did, I guess we would have to adjust. Or chip in for another planet? Or leave apology notes for the future generations? “We got a little crazy before you got here. We are so sorry about the oxygenated space suits you now have to wear just to leave the house.”

So yes. I agree with you, Europeans. It is absolutely stupid that we love air conditioning so much. Consider it another example of our peculiar New World thinking. Look at it as our own version of joie de vivre.

I, for one, have truly lost my ability to stand the heat. And, far be it for me to speak for other Americans, but I don’t think I’m alone.

I have tasted the nectar of the Freonic gods.

This is not who I am philosophically. But it’s who I have to be practically. At least until I’m 80 and suddenly yelling at every waiter in town to move me away from the vent at this ridiculous restaurant.

This story was originally published June 13, 2016 at 9:20 AM with the headline "Europeans might think we’re stupid, but wow it feels good to be so chill."