‘Southern Charm’ recap: T-Rav gets feathers in a bunch at flamingo party

If you’re ever driving in Mount Pleasant and seem to be caught in a painfully slow procession behind what you assume to be an ancient lady in an SUV, get excited … because it’s probably Thomas Ravenel on the way to visit his best friend, J.D. Madison.

Did you see how slowly that old man was driving? So slowly you could’ve taken at least 15 photos of him for TMZ, received TMZ’s payment in PayPal and spent it on that “Mind your biscuits and life will be gravy” T-shirt you’ve had your eye on from Etsy, all from behind the wheel and before you’ve reached your destination.

The best part is that while a line of cars formed behind him, Ravenel was chatting on the phone with J.D., the person he was about to go see. Why look in a rearview mirror unless it’s pointed directly at your formerly handsome face, right T-Rav?

That’s right. I said “formerly handsome.” I’m over my Seasons 1 and 2 Thomas Ravenel apologist crush.

The man needs to take his white-pants ironing time and devote that instead to getting in touch with reality. Although, I will give him credit for ordering water at the bar after his tirade on Jennifer on Monday night. It was the only interesting thing that happened on the show.

This is all to say that episode 4 of this season of “Southern Charm” was as slow and tedious as being stuck behind our former State Treasurer on a side street.

Not even Shep Rose jumping into a pool in tiny underwear could liven up Patricia Altschul’s “Flamingo Party.”

Not even Cameran Eubanks in a flamingo hat falling into Patricia’s boxwood — after saying “Can you imagine Shep making love?” — could save that wilted shindig.

I adore Patricia so it pains me to judge her so, but I was raised on “Real Housewives,” and Charleston’s parties have some catching up to do.

I didn’t see one naked human spray-painted to look like a flamingo. The tower of rosé that Patricia was so excited about — which, according to her, requires “mathematics” to pull off — looked as inconsequential as what’s on Lisa Vanderpump’s nightstand on a weeknight. And Lance Bass wasn’t even invited.

I noticed Patricia kept sneaking into her house during the night, so I hope the real party was inside while the “Southern Charmers” and their foul mouths were relegated to the garden.

By the way, I love that she threw this event just so she could take photos for her book on entertaining.

“Organization, pre-planning, double-checking …” these are the things she says will be covered in her guide to hosting a party in the South. (I looked for the book on Amazaon, just to see if it was out yet. It’s not. But if you search “Patricia Altschul,” a pair of Patricia Miniwedge Crocs comes up. “Michael, get me my medicine. I just one-clicked some plastic shoes.”)

So, there you go. If you want to host a Southern party, make sure you are organized, that you pre-plan it (instead of just planning it while it’s happening) and double-check everything.

Oh. And Patricia’s party planner made a great call for the Flamingo Party, something I hope makes it in the book. He said, “Guests, I believe, will enter through the front.”

I bet this decision came up in the pre-planning meeting and he was just double-checking.

So OK. Here are my key observations from Monday night:

— Everyone hates Landon. Not the cast. I mean viewers.

I noticed last week that she took a beating on Twitter, and Monday night was no different. Viewers don’t appreciate her snottiness or caustic comments, always said through bleached-teeth laughter.

I honestly don’t have a problem with her sniping, but I get why people are annoyed with her. Cameran can pull off the truth-bombs and the teasing in her interviews because she’s also self-deprecating. But Landon is the girl your boyfriend is “just friends with,” and no one wants to hear her world view.

Also, what is going on? Are she and T-Rav doing it? They have to be, right? And what’s with her golf cart? I thought she was supposed to be broke as a joke.

If Shep ever does marry someone, though, I highly endorse the Landon partnership. She’ll fit right in on Hilton Head with her golf carting in a minidress skills.

Here’s a smattering of viewer insults:

— Viewers might actually like Kathryn Dennis. Twitter came to her defense, anyway.

After last week’s meltdown at Thomas’ polo match, Kathryn was told “Nope. Not co-signing that lease on your house anymore” by her babies’ daddy and so she further melted down and was hospitalized as a result. This put Thomas’, as he called it, “unformed baby” in jeopardy, and he did not like that one bit.

All of it, he blamed on Jennifer, prompting Whitney to say “Mom, tell her she has to leave” when Jennifer showed up at the flamingo party.

So the question of the night was: Did Kathryn fake it? Judging from her hysterics in previous episodes, I’m going to say no. I think the girl gets herself legitimately worked up.

In the end, though, she got her house, so who cares?

I will say this, T-Rav needs to shut his mouth and open his wallet more. If you want to see your kids, get a lawyer and make it happen.

And stop sleeping together. I promise you, we don’t need another spawn-evel to keep us interested in a fourth season of “Southern Charm.”

— Jennifer is who again?

I can’t even with this girl. She had an affair with Thomas and is now Kathryn’s only friend? Great choice in pals.

This dipsy-doodle showed up to the flamingo party with flamingos on her head and said, “I had to drive like this,” cocking her head. Um, that’s a headband. It comes off, you maniac. So no. You didn’t have to drive like that. Nice attention grab, though.

I’m just happy that the “Charmers” drove her away from the party with their ridicule when she called Kathryn to update her on the drama.

She and her head-flamingos left crying and saying the F-word and You over and over and still that party wasn’t interesting.

— The psychic.

I’m surprised she didn’t predict “You and me later” when she read Shep’s cards.

He had that lady charmed. She kept reaching upward to touch her hair but oopsy, you can’t flirtatiously play with your locks when you’re wearing a fortune teller’s scarf.

Crystal ball, who did Shep take home from the flamingo party?

Mmmm. I’m not good at this. I’m just going to say it was Patricia. Because THAT would have made this a way more compelling episode.

Flamingo party! How can a flamingo party NOT be cool?

This story was originally published April 26, 2016 at 12:06 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: T-Rav gets feathers in a bunch at flamingo party."