Advice from a spy: Hate opening gifts in front of people? Here’s how to handle that | Opinion
Editor’s note: A version of this column was originally published Dec. 23, 2016.
It’s the thought that counts.
The thought counts so much, in fact, that some of us would prefer to keep it wrapped ... just until you’re out of sight. Then we’ll open the thought when we’re alone and away from the punishing glare of The Expectation of A Reaction.
But we’ll send you a thank-you note to let you know what you missed.
It’s weird, I know. I love giving gifts, but sometimes I don’t like opening the gifts given to me in front of the gift-giver. Not always. Just sometimes.
I get nervous.
I want the gift-giver to feel the genuine joy of the transaction, but let’s face it, I’m not 10, and it’s highly unlikely there’s a Red Ryder BB Gun in this box.
Or a year’s supply of Botox. I might jump up and down and scream my head off for a year’s supply of Botox.
What’s in the box doesn’t matter, though. It’s not about the gift. It’s about the feeling of having my reaction read. I don’t like it. I don’t want someone watching every nuance of my facial expression as the wrapping paper tears and the item beneath it is revealed. And then gauging whether I already have this book or body lotion or scarf and, if not, whether I love this one in my hands right now.
To be clear, I’m perfectly aware that most people aren’t scrutinizing the gift-opener’s face. But there are enough who do it. And they ask questions. And sometimes follow-up questions. And there really should be an etiquette book about this.
So, if you’re like me — and if you are, I’m so sorry — I will give you some tips, including a few I learned from a retired CIA officer (yes, really), on how to open a gift in front of the gift-giver when you’d prefer not to be watched while doing so.
1. De-escalate
As soon as the gift is opened, hug the person so they can no longer see your face. Hug them tightly. No, tighter. Tighter than that. Like really, really tight. When their body goes heavy, gently bring them to the ground while whispering, “Thank you so much. I love it!” in their ear. Now get the heck out of there before they come to. But check on them as soon as you’re out of sight. Send a nonchalant text saying “Thanks again.” It’s Christmas, man. We’ve got to look out for each other.
2. Deflect
Accuse the gift-giver of being too thoughtful. Accuse her of always being so wonderful. Accuse her of knowing just what you like. Then get suspicious. Squint your eyes. Cock your head. Then ask, “Did you look at my web browser history? Wait. That night I told you the bush outside my window seemed to be moving, you laughed ... that wasn’t ... you? Was it? No really, is this an apron and a jar of chutney? Who told you I love aprons and jars of chutney? Look at me. WHO TOLD YOU? DON’T MESS WITH AMERICA.”
3. Deny
Put the gift behind your back and pivot each time the gift-giver goes left, then right, and left again, then right again to see behind your back. Reply, “Lol. Gift? What? Where?” to everything they say until they leave. In the thank-you note write, “I’m truly sorry about that.”
4. Re-direct
Thank the person for the wrapped gift. When they inevitably tell you to open it, tear a small piece of paper away but then stop and say “I forgot to tell you. (Name of someone real) is getting plastic surgery to look like an American Girl doll. I swear to you, she’s even changing her hairline.” Then discuss. Discuss this for as long as you can go without food, water or the bathroom. Discuss this until one of you collapses or until Christmas is over, whichever comes first.
5. Exhaust
Accept the wrapped gift graciously. Then ask every question you can think of about it. “Did you get this wrapping paper from Walmart? Walgreens? Target? Ikea? Online? Did you save it from last year? Would you call this red or maroon? Is that Santa doing a little dance? What kind of cookies are on the little plate in this picture? Merry ... I can’t see what this says ... Merry Christm? Is that ‘Christmas’? It’s hard to read. It’s so confusing. Did you cut this off in the middle of what could’ve been an important message to me? What scissors did you use to cut this? Fiskar? Is this Scotch tape or a generic variety?” Beg the person with your eyes to make this stop by hugging you gently and leaving.
6. Deceive
After exchanging gifts, hold onto the one you were just given with both palms, as if you have no thumbs, and say “Oh no.” When the gift-giver asks what’s wrong tell them you were recently diagnosed with Spastic Cat Hands. “When it strikes, I lose all opposability so I’m not going to be able to open this right now. I’ve been evolutionarily set back, but I bet this gift is just lovely. Thank you so much! Now pardon me, I have to go home, bat around some ornaments and eat some tinsel. That Christmas tree isn’t going to knock down itself, you know what I’m saying? ...”
