Sorry. Can’t hide the fact that great white sharks are off Hilton Head’s coast | Opinion
Fourteen years ago a man named “James” from Canton, Ohio, sought help from the Internet.
Does anyone know of any shark problems around Hilton Head Island? he asked on a Trip Advisor forum.
“I’m a little neurotic about sharks,” he explained.
James had already done some research to “avoid a shark encounter.”
The results of that didn’t make him “feel good,” though.
He did not delve into his personal history with the species nor use the words “bite” nor “jagged flesh wound” nor “Mommy? Daddy? Can I sleep in your bed tonight?,” yet we all know what the man was thinking.
However, noting that you’re “a little neurotic about sharks” before a trip to Hilton Head is akin to worrying Tom Selleck will challenge you on your political beliefs during a stay in Los Angeles.
Question: I kind of have this ‘thing’ about not getting into gun policy debates with Magnum P.I. Does anyone know if there’s a problem with TV stars wanting to do that there?
Answer: You’re not going to meet Tom Selleck. Yes, he’s probably “somewhere around L.A.” But if your paths cross, he’s likely going to keep on moving as if he didn’t even see you — no matter how much you scream his name and say “I’ve wanted to be your wife since I was 3 years old! Take me to your avocado farm! I’ll adopt all your political opinions if that’s what it takes!”
I mean, that’s what I would say if I ever saw Selleck. I can’t speak for James.
Re: James’ online query about sharks and Hilton Head, I must admit, it did result in several useful travel tips.
One person suggested: “Store your passport and travelers checks in a small leather waist satchel worn under your coat so the sharks can’t pickpocket you. You should also write the embassy phone number on your forearm before leaving your timeshare in case the sharks drug you, find your satchel, steal your passport and money and dump you in an alley.”
Another warned: “Don’t let the sharks know you’re American because they will take the long way just to overcharge you. Also, don’t tip them! We don’t have to do that with sharks!”
Also: “OMG. Stay away from the Starfish District when you’re swimming! The crabs will fake an accident right in front of you and when you go to help them, a gang of sharks comes out of nowhere and they’re like ‘Give me all your sand dollars or say good bye to your right forearm!’ IDK. This happened to a Facebook friend of mine. I shared the post.”
Obviously, I’m making all that up. Respondents had only five words of advice worth repeating. They were: “There is always the pool.”
I don’t mean to completely downplay people’s fear of sharks, by the way.
If you happened to see Chip Michalove’s cool Instagram photo of the 8-foot great white he encountered off the island’s coast this past weekend — marking the beginning of “great white shark” season on the Carolina coasts — I wouldn’t blame you at all for thinking, “Well, there’s tonight’s sweaty stress-dream already scheduled for me.”
But how cool is it that we have a charter captain who tags sharks for study? I’d say very.
What’s “great white shark” season?
Oh, well it’s that time of year we didn’t know existed before the appearance of shark tracking apps and social media posts and shark whisperers and apex predators being christened with names more befitting of kindergarten teachers, like “Miss May” and “Doug.”
These amazing creatures were always there, of course.
Then science and technology turned on the light for us.
Now we’re a little more aware of them. Now we can learn a little more about them.
But that presents a bit of a problem for some people — specifically those who don’t want tourists and potential home buyers finding out the shocking truth.
Whenever Michalove tags another great white, or whenever the media covers sharks pinging off the coast, these same people will pop up, shake their fists and say, “Nice way to drive away business, jerks!”
However, you and I (and a lot of Facebook commenters, actually) have no problem admitting it: Sharks live in the ocean. Our beaches include some ocean. Ergo ... duh (shrug).
It shouldn’t — and doesn’t — detract from people’s good times here.
It shouldn’t — and doesn’t — detract from people wanting to buy homes — because full-time life here is quite lovely, creatures and all.
Sharks can bite people, obviously. Occasionally they’ve done that here, and when it happens, it’s not terrific. Statistically speaking, though, it’s a very unlikely occurrence.
In fact, sharks are probably super offended that we don’t credit them for all the millions of times they’ve decided against biting tourists. Billions of times, even. Trillions!
Still, something tells me if we were to take a peek into some Hilton Head Islanders’ digital trashcans, we’d find at least one document titled, “Rejected suggestions for advertising campaign.”
“Sharks? On Hilton Head? Nawwww. Why? What did you hear?”
“See no sharks. Speak no sharks. Hear no sharks. Come to Hilton Head!”
“(Picture of toothy shark, head-cocked, smiling quizzically) Hilton Head? ‘Island,’ did you say? I ... don’t know where that even is on a map ... I”m flying to Florida this year”
“(Lineup of sharks with their arms around each other and wearing Myrtle Beach shirts)“
It’s ridiculous, I know.
Wait.
I have one to add.
What about “Sharks are awesome. So is Hilton Head. But there’s always the pool, James ....”?
