Beach Shovel Police now reporting for duty on Hilton Head Island | Opinion
Now that Hilton Head Island Town Council has banned shovels longer than 30 inches — as well as holes deeper than a foot and any holes at all after certain times — we can finally walk the beach with our eyes closed.
Isn’t that exciting?
I feel like I’ve waited my entire life to have a eyes-wide-shut stroll relying on the blind faith that my government has created a divot-free ground to keep my body perpendicular.
I cannot wait to give a much-needed break to my sense of sight — and without fearing that my sense of touch will be put in the unenviable position of having to break the news to my sense of hearing, “Oh dear, that SNAP sound? It was her ankle bone. It’s bent at a 90-degree angle now and poking through her skin. Can you tell her for me? Thanks! Bye!”
My, my. I’m getting goosebumps thinking about a life free from beach holes and extra-big shovels. It’s a municipal miracle!
Wait. What are you saying?
Pardon me!
You’re saying, the likelihood of anyone getting ticketed for non-regulation shovels and holes is very very low because beach infractions are already unchecked crimes on Hilton Head?
That never in all your Hilton Head beach-going experience have you ever encountered a line backed up on the boardwalks because tourists have been taking minutes-long pauses in front of the Rules and Regulations boards to make sure it’s all sinking in?
That the point of the rule was simply to make it seem like .... are you rolling your eyes, shaking your head and shrugging at me?
Wow. I wish Town Council had known all this before it took that shovel-and-hole curtsy.
Oh come on! Councilmen most likely knew all this already?
Hmmm.
Beaufort County Sheriff’s deputies have better things to do than patrol the beach with measuring tapes and ticket pads.
And how many code enforcement officers does the town even have? Answer: Not many. We can’t expect them to get a handle on the problem, no pun intended, when the beach is 12 miles long.
But we can’t have these ridiculous holes anymore, either. We just can’t. They’re dangerous.
Also, how do I put this without seeming Hilton Head snobby? The ratios of regular tourists to cavemen and wolf tourists appears to be way off lately, right?
Way off.
Look, not all hope is lost. We’ll just have figure this out on our own ... together.
Potential solutions:
Shovel Amnesty Days
Allow tourists to turn in their 31-inch or longer shovels at various drop-off points on the island. No questions asked. I’m lying. One question asked: Why is it fun for you to do this, weirdo?
Scared Straight Shovel Programs
Only the tourists who’ve attended one of these heart-wrenching programs may come to the beach.
Shovel Scofflaw 1: “I USED TO DIG HOLES WITH BIG SHOVELS ON THE BEACH. YOU DON’T WANT THAT LIFE, SON!”
Shovel Scofflaw 2: “I just dug the holes. I dug them with my big shovels and never once thought about the people I was hurting — or the sea turtle babies. The little sea turtles. (Breaks down crying.) They’re so small and helpless! I’m a monster! I’m filth!”
Shovel Scofflaw 3: “I dug the holes so I could sit under a giant tent and, when I left each day, I would leave the tent AND the deep holes for y’all to deal with. I didn’t give a dune biscuit about the residents who might fall in. It wasn’t until after my 15th shovel infraction that I hit rock bottom. Literally. I fell in my own hole. I was down there for days yelling for help. No. One. Came. To. My. Aid. The only ones who even deigned to peek in my hole were a couple of ratty-looking seagulls. Y’all really don’t know how low y’all can feel until you get the middle feather from a bird.”
Shovel Mercenaries
Listen, I know a guy. We’ll all pitch in a few dollars. He’ll make some calls. Get some buddies out of retirement for one last shovel snatch. Shhhh.
Fake Shovel Lottery Roundup
We’ll post notices on every timeshare door. “YOU JUST WON A LIFETIME OF GIANT SHOVELS. Come to Compass Rose Park to claim your prize!” This will attract the worst of the worst hole-diggers. When they’re all there, we’ll hand them each a box that says BIG SHOVELS on the side. But there aren’t big shovels in the box. There’s raw chicken.
Then we run past the alligators.
Undercover Shovel Stings
Volunteers go special ops and pretend to be tourists in teams of 12.
Volunteer No. 1 fakes a heart attack.
“Help! We need a doctor,” yells Volunteer No. 2.
Volunteer No. 3 rushes out of the crowd, saying “ME! I’m a doctor!” She pretends to give CPR to Volunteer No. 1 before yelling, “Somebody hand me a giant shovel! Now!”
When it doesn’t seem to be working because people are confused as to why a giant shovel would help in this situation, Volunteer No. 2 screams “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Does anyone have a really big shovel???? Don’t let my husband die in the sand!”
When the great big hole-diggers expose themselves by coming forward with 31-inch-or-longer shovels in hand, Volunteer Nos. 4 through 12 kick into action.
Boom. Citizen-arrested.
All of them.
Boom. Secret Court.
Guilty.
Boom. Secret Sentence.
Life in shovel prison!
Boom. Now I can walk with my eyes closed.
