A field guide for the people you might see at Heritage

The organizers of the RBC Heritage Presented by Boeing PGA Tour golf tournament clearly didn’t find that suggestion box I left for them last year.

The one with the single piece of paper in it from my personal stationery stash that had some, if I do say so myself, very wise and pertinent information on how to improve the week.

Either that or they ignored my ideas because from what I understand there will still be golf involved.

And RBC Heritage is still, apparently, being presented by Boeing and not Bravo TV.

And I have seen no press releases about how this year each hole at the Harbour Town Golf Links will be covered by wrap-around couches, soft blankets and stacks of books that we can all read until it gets dark while an army of baristas makes sure every sip we take of our lattes is immediately replaced with caramel sauce.

Maybe next year.

But not all hope is lost. The RBC Heritage tournament is hardly about the golf. I mean, obviously it’s “about the golf,” but it’s also the social event of the year and it’s hands-down one of the best places to people-watch on Hilton Head Island.

As people-watching is my second-favorite hobby — doing nothing and talking to no one is obviously my first — I will now share with you a few of the species you should be on the lookout for next week.

The RBC Heritage Presented by Bravo TV Even Though They Did Not Agree to That At All’s People-Watching Field Guide for 2017, which, unlike its bird-watching cousin-books, does not recommend binoculars because that could go really wrong really fast considering the fine line between “people-watching” and “staring” and “people-watching” and just being a class A creep who should not have left the house even.

Here are the people you might see at Heritage ...

The Blah Blah: He has something to say — usually about how he knows everything about golf — and he continues to say it loudly despite context clues — such as the giant signs that say “QUIET” and the silent friends around him who are now pretending not to know him. All of this should have indicated to him that even he, the King of Magical Sounds, is required to zip it for a second. Field note: Expert watchers know to wait until The Blah Blah gets verbally humiliated by the marshals before they consider this a successful spotting.

The Noah’s Arkers: You will find them walking in twos, usually carrying matching travel seats and wearing fanny packs, which are not coming back in style no matter what you think you heard on the Today show.

The White Pants Oopsy: The White Pants Oopsy had high hopes when she left her home this morning even though this fashion choice never works out for her despite it looking so great for the first 15 minutes. Now that she has a splash of Bloody Mary and someone else’s hot dog mustard on there and now that both stains have spread a little because of the frantic soap-rubbing in the Royal Flushroom, which is not at all equipped for this sort of the thing, The White Pants Oopsy is just going to have another drink, a hot dog of her own and pretend that her mother wasn’t right when she told her that some girls, cough, simply aren’t graceful enough to wear white.

The Guesser: This guy is fun. Listen closely. He’s about to “predict” where the ball is going just as it’s so very clearly headed in that direction.

The Similars: You will only encounter the brightly colored Similars in groups of four or more. They are all wearing Lilly Pulitzer and tan wedges. They tend to stand in circles. Sometimes they take selfies. Two of them are named Kayla. They’re kind of bored.

The Left Behind: The Left Behind is confused because it’s 7 p.m. and no one told him he was napping in Harbour Town. Where did all his friends go? Why is his face on backward? Is Heritage already over? Is day-drinking over now that it’s dark? Man ....... Field note: Do not look at The Left Behind for too long. He will ask you to use your phone and then for a ride to a street he can’t remember the name of.

The Pale Streaky Oucher: When her friends asked her yesterday, “Did you put sunscreen on?,” The Pale Streaky Oucher replied “No, but thanks for reminding me!” right before quickly and inefficiently covering her arms, shoulders and legs in SPF 30 and leaving the tube at home. Today she is candy-striped with a chin-shaped white patch on her neck. But she wore the strapless dress anyway because it was $140 and she picked it out weeks ago.

The Fit Bitters: Out of the way! They’re almost at 10,000 steps.

This story was originally published April 3, 2017 at 1:17 PM with the headline "A field guide for the people you might see at Heritage."