Brokenhearted and in Bluffton? I have a great way to get back at your ex

If you’re in love and you’re happy and all is right in your world, please don’t read this.

My words are not for you.

You literally have to leave now.

Sigh ... I don’t want to make this awkward or anything, but I’m just going to softly and politely shut the door on your giddy faces.

We will talk later.

OK.

They’re gone. The smiling hand-holders are gone. Now we can get real.

I know it’s been Valentine’s Day since Dec. 26 and that you’re over it.

I also know your ex was an unappreciative and cheating idiot who didn’t deserve you in the first place.

And, lastly, I know that even though you will not miss getting those last-minute wilty grocery store carnations from the Person Who Insisted They’re Actually a New, Rare and Quite Expensive Floral Variety Called Wrinkle Roses, this still isn’t easy for you.

But it’s time to move on.

No more sad songs and no more planning revenge scenarios that will only result in your shame-eyed mugshot appearing in the Beaufort County jail log along with your age and your weight, and while I do know they don’t weigh you when you’re arrested, my law enforcement source couldn’t tell me exactly how they find out arrestees’ weights, which means “Overestimate It By A Lot Because You Remind Me of MY Crazy Ex” might be on the table.

I want you to take whatever energy you have been putting into imagining your ex’s final moments on Earth — with the words “I never loved anyone as much as I loved (insert your name here) beeeeeeeep” echoing through the universe — into something more productive.

Cool. You agree.

Whoa! Put down the matches. My goodness.

Do not burn that pile of your ex’s stuff.

Put it in a box. All of it. Don’t sniff that. Just put it in the box.

Now drive to your nearest Goodwill. They are waiting for you — as evidenced by this news release I received Friday: “Goodwill encourages scorned lovers to donate their ex’s stuff this Valentine’s Day ... Clearing the clutter from relationships gone wrong will help donors move on.”

Leave the box there.

Then look up at the sky.

And scream “NEXT!”

This story was originally published February 7, 2017 at 8:51 PM with the headline "Brokenhearted and in Bluffton? I have a great way to get back at your ex."