How to kill giant mosquitoes without aerial spraying them from the sky

A mosquito landed on my palm the other week.

This was a big miscalculation on his part, and I think he knew it because we made eye contact and his last word was “Oops.”

After I spent the next day notfiying his family and Googling “caskets for mosquitoes,” it dawned on me: “Mosquitoes shouldn’t be so big that they have personalities and loved ones. Who are these ladies? Why are there so many of them? And let’s kill them all right now.”

OK, I know the who and the why so many. We’ve reported on this already. When we evacuated for Hurricane Matthew, the mosquitoes threw an after-prom party and sometimes when a male mosquito loves a female mosquito and they’re just drunk enough not to be shy around each other ...

As for the killing, though, I’m torn on the how.

Beaufort County Mosquito Control uses Anvil 10+10 ULV in its aerial spraying, which sounds exactly like the kind of thing I want to be rained on top of these jerks, but the exact opposite kind of thing I want on me.

Also, it kills bees and fish and, well, that gets us into some real dark end-of-times territory.

On the other hand, I hate mosquitoes. And when a mosquito is big enough to wear a FitBit and joke about carbs, it’s time to make the friendly skies a little less accommodating.

Ugh, but the bees and the fish and my false sense that I live in a chemical-free world other than this one situation that is already moot because the county has been spraying all week.

Still, maybe it’s time for us to come up with some other mosquito-control options for the next hurricane. Here are my suggestions:

▪  Frog army led by a lizard general.

▪  Enter them in a high-five contest.

▪  Lure emerging swarms to their deaths by posting tantalizing Craigslist fetish ad: “I like to be bitten through my clothes when I’m just trying to get to my car. Also, my blood tastes like Starbucks. ... Non-smokers only. No fatties.”

▪  Host male-mosquito-empowerment workshops: “You are a gentle, beautiful, special soul who feeds on nectar. Meanwhile, she’s out there committing assault and stealing blood. You are from two different worlds and when she’s done with your reproductive cells, she’s going to leave you. And then you die. Like after seven days of living. Don’t waste those days chasing after someone who will never love you the way you deserve to be.”

▪  Groupon for Standing Water R Us, which is actually just a storefront and a giant puddle of Anvil 10+10 UVL.

▪  Give them tiny guns and make them watch reruns of all three presidential debates.

▪  Eat away at their self-esteem until they’re convinced that their faces are all wrong because of their needle noses. Recommend a plastic surgeon who just uses scissors.

▪  Ask them if it’s spelled “mosquitoes” or “mosquitos.” As they laugh self-consciously and say “I can never remember,” give them a withering look, tell them it’s with an “E” and watch them immediately fly away. No one likes a know-it-all.

Please feel free to post your photos of giant mosquitoes next to an object they shouldn’t be the size of in the comments below.

This story was originally published October 28, 2016 at 5:51 PM with the headline "How to kill giant mosquitoes without aerial spraying them from the sky."