Only on Hilton Head: How to make pollen work for you

An entire year has gone by, and my little red Nissan still looks as green as it did last year at this time, even after many caring, bonding, moments of bubble-bathing outside at the Harris Teeter car wash and excessive Windex-ing of the windshield on days in between.

Still, the lovely pea-soup hue does coincide with St. Patrick’s week in the Lowcountry. Coincidence? I think not.

There is something much larger at work here. It’s called pollination, and is used to provide drug companies with an endless supply of revenue from antihistamines. The second most important use for pollen is to provide endless, empathy-producing excuses for being everything from sick, to late, to irritable, hung-over, tired, a few pounds over/under weight, beady-eyed, out-of-shape, and simply, not up for the appointment/work/party/exercise (circle one).

It can get so thick (the pollen, not the excuses), golfers have been seen wearing respirators during play.

Dogs and cats even get sick from it. How’s that one for karma? Two allergy-producing creatures, themselves get allergies with their noses to the ground. Perfect.

It goes further than that. During the spring and early fall, when the pollen-count is highest around here, Yours Truly gets to wash her beagle’s feet, lovingly and with special soap, to remove the coagulated clumps of pollen, mixed with tennis court clay and whatever pesticides the golf courses are using that act as glue to hold the powdery fun together. It’s like nature’s little science project: Learn what beagle tootsies can accumulate during a forty-minute stroll around the Sea Pines Club Course and environs.

If I don’t wash the sticky fun off, said beagle will gnaw at his own toes, until they are red and raw, and then we have a whole new set of problems involving a prescribed anti-rash solution, puppy-wipes, mood music (yes, my friend Cheryl, produces pet cd’s, one of which I play during our daily grooming sessions called, “Gone for a Walk,”) and daily doggie meditations, wherein I stroke his head and ears, quote Deepak Chopra, and exhort from Eckhart Tolle to be ‘one with self’, all to keep him from obsessing over his paws.

After researching pollen on the web (okay, this week I actually did real research that didn’t involve putting out a call to friends on Facebook ) I found out some interesting facts about pollen.

For example, it may take a few scientific websites, and a better than blushing understanding of the botany lexicon, to figure out that one is reading about plant spores, and NOT the human reproductive process. In my defense, the plant system also has things called ovaries, sperm, and a tube, which becomes elongated.

Becoming somewhat frustrated with the unfamiliar terminology (not to mention, blushing furiously like an idiot), I went to a website that speaks in layman’s terms. For those of you uninformed, it is http://easyscienceforkids.com/all-about-pollination/. I’m sure I do not hear guffaws at this moment.

Getting back to the original point of this piece (“thank God, there’s a point,” I can hear everyone thinking), pollen on Hilton Head serves one major, positive function for those of us who live here, and the entire ecosystem; a function never to be underestimated - to ward off unwanted family members from afar.

Yes. All one has to do is show a photo of your car right about now (or please feel free to use the accompanying photo of my parents’ lagoon on the 11th tee of the Harbour Town Golf Link). This will keep all those ‘friends’ who suddenly appear around spring break or Heritage time from venturing near your doorstep.

Am I sure?

Hey, it’s worked for my family for forty years.

This story was originally published March 16, 2016 at 3:35 PM with the headline "Only on Hilton Head: How to make pollen work for you."