Dear Jennifer Lawrence: Never feel like you're competing with porn
Jennifer Lawrence, the star of "The Hunger Games," is hilarious -- whether she's stating that she wants to punch people in the face when they say they like exercising, or that she's starving and thinking about French fries while wearing couture on the red carpet. She is outspoken about self-image and the pressure Hollywood puts on women to be skinny, so when J-Law speaks, girls listen.
That's why I was concerned when her Vanity Fair interview hit the Internet on Oct. 8, and she spoke up about her nude selfies that had been hacked and posted online: "I was in a loving, healthy, great relationship for four years. It was long distance, and either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he's going to look at you."
When I heard this, my heart sank for two reasons. First of all, sexting is causing all sorts of legal and social problems for teens. The last thing they need is to hear a celebrity describe it as a healthy way to fuel a long-distance relationship. But I also don't think any woman should feel that they're competing with pornography. Is pornography a reality in our society? Yes. Should it be a given? No. And don't just listen to me because I'm the "church girl." Many studies have shown that pornography should be battled because it is harmful to both those who view it and their current or potential partners.
One study that I found especially interesting was conducted in 2011 by Princeton University. Men were shown images of nearly naked women and asked to choose verbs to describe them. They chose "first person statements like 'I grab' or 'I control.' " Study author Susan Fiske explained, "When looking at the bikini-clad women, these men were thinking, 'I am acting on this person,' rather than, 'She is acting.' " (From an Oct. 16, 2012 MensHealth.com article, "Is porn harmful?".) As our society struggles to end the objectification of and violence against women, this would be evidence that pornography is not helping.
I'm constantly alarmed that social media outlets like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat might give us a bigger network but take the personal side out of friendships. While some understand friendship to mean sacrifice -- whether that means dropping everything to talk or help a friend move out of their third-floor apartment -- social media has turned friendship into something as simple as a "like" button or an emoji. I fear that youth today already have so much trouble connecting love with sacrifice. Pornography takes this disconnect even further, separating sacrifice from love and sexual intimacy.
While C.S. Lewis originally used these words to describe masturbation, I think it also describes the danger of pornography. Describing it as "a harem of imaginary brides," Lewis went on to explain that, "this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and uniting with a real woman. For this harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival." (From "The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis," Volume 3).
Healthy relationships require constantly seeking the good of the other -- not the satisfaction of oneself.
Pornography may seem to be everywhere, but it doesn't have to be everyone's reality. There is support for both parents who want help their children avoid pornography and those who want freedom from its influence. ThePornEffect.com, CovenantEyes.com and your local church are three places to begin if you're searching for freedom.
J-Law is still hilarious, and I'm so glad that there's a celebrity out there who has said that eating is her favorite part of the day. But when it comes to sexting, porn and dating, she's wrong. She deserves more from relationships. We all do.
Follow columnist Alison Griswold at twitter.com/alisongriz. Read her blog at www.teamcatholic.blogspot.com.
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This story was originally published October 17, 2014 at 4:25 PM with the headline "Dear Jennifer Lawrence: Never feel like you're competing with porn."