Review: ‘Batman v Superman’ made my head hurt

At this point why would anybody live in Metropolis or Gotham City?

Mass destruction is routine. Sadistic clowns romp and rob, aliens descend from the heavens and level city blocks with creepy eye-lasers, and every billionaire philanthropist has a dark secret.

These are rough neighborhoods. Uncomfortable places to be. They're loud, and fiery and just a little too busy for most people.

A lot like "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice."

Director Zack Snyder is known for his stylistic chops, and "Dawn of Justice" is moody and beautiful, and if you enjoyed his other work ("300," "Man of Steel," "Watchmen") there is probably something for you here.

But man, it's a challenge.

BvS opens with the Batman/Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) origin tale we've been told too many times now, and then launches into a confusing, noisy overseas firefight involving Lois Lane (Amy Adams), Superman (Henry Cavill), an African drug kingpin, military contractors and, oh yes, a photographer/CIA agent.

Don't worry, it doesn't make much sense to me either.

Critics and fans will likely be torn on Jesse Eisenberg's performance as the maniacal mogul Lex Luthor, but I think he makes the best of a bad hand.

You can say he's a lousy fit for the Luthor role, and you'd be right, but this isn't Eisenberg's fault. Snyder and company wanted a Zuckerberg-style foil, and that's what they got.

Eisenberg is at least interesting to watch, which is more than you can say for the film's slap fight between its titular heroes.

And that's where BvS really fails.

When "Batman v Superman" was announced, comic book fans cheered, but the casual super hero moviegoers I know were left wondering: What's Batman's beef?

It's a question you'll have when the credits roll, too.

Despite a number of bewildering, neuroses-laden Bruce Wayne dream sequences (wonderfully shot, to be fair) where "the alien" Superman ruins Batman's life, the Dark Knight's motivation never convinces.

Why so serious, Batman?

Affleck and Cavill also pull their weight, and the idea of seeing them play the world’s two most popular super heroes again under different management is intriguing. Buff and brooding, Affleck’s face lends more insight into Wayne’s struggle than any of the lovely but empty dream/flashback sequences.

At 2 hours 33 minutes, the film is a slog, at least a half hour too long. As in "Man of Steel," the concluding brawl between the heroes and villains goes on far too long. Michael Bay would applaud, but humans with standard ears and eyes will be war weary.

If you’re planning to see the film, attend an IMAX showing. This is a movie meant for the biggest screen, and it would be unfair not to acknowledge how doggone cool some of it is (particularly the prologue, which shows us the “Man of Steel” Zod v Superman battle from Bruce Wayne’s point of view). It’s just a bit much.

Fashion model turned actress Gal Gadot is alluring as Wonder Woman, but she feels wedged into this testosterone-fueled feud. I wish we’d seen a little more of her, at the expense of a few of Bruce Wayne’s wacky nightmares. Wait -- Kryptonians have testosterone, right?

Watch closely to see what BvS does at the box office over the next few weeks. DC has entrusted its future to Snyder, who is signed on to direct two Justice League films, set for release in 2017 and 2019.

It's possible this loud, long thing is strategy, meant to replicate the success of Bay's "Transformers" series. But if BvS flops, things will get interesting.

Alluding to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, The Beatles once invited us to turn off our minds, relax and float downstream. If you can do that when you see "Dawn of Justice," and not get too caught up on plot, character development and logic — you might have a nice time at the movies.

For the rest of us, it's time to look at real estate in Hell's Kitchen.

This story was originally published March 24, 2016 at 3:53 PM with the headline "Review: ‘Batman v Superman’ made my head hurt."