Liz Farrell

‘Southern Charm’ recap: Evil princesses Landon and Kathryn make Andy Cohen murderous

Well, the numbers are in. Seventy-six percent of “Watch What Happens Live” viewers think that “Southern Charm” cast member Landon Clements slept with fellow cast member Thomas Ravenel when they were in London on what was supposed to be T-Rav’s Valentine’s Day trip with his baby mama, Kathryn Dennis.

I didn’t vote in that election, but I would’ve punched out the chad under “Yeah-huh, they absolutely did.”

How do I know this for sure?

I stole Landon’s journal and she totally wrote “I slept with Thomas Ravenel when we were in London … obvi” in puffy letters alongside a small freehand sketch of an engagement ring on an unpainted and chewed-down fingernail and some loose, loopy versions of Mrs. Landon Ravenel.

On the next page was the header “Online ‘Magazine’ Ideas” and NOTHING WAS WRITTEN UNDER IT.

Man, I wish this were all true.

The reason I know they did it is because Landon touched her face on the final reunion episode Monday night when she swore she did not have relations with Mr. Ravenel. As everyone who has ever watched an episode of the short-lived Fox drama “Lie to Me” could tell you, that means she’s being deceptive.

Also … she said, “I’m not going to admit to that.”

As a rule, I don’t believe denials that also incorporate the word “admit.”

On a semi-related note, I wonder how many people Landon has blocked on Twitter over the past 14 weeks. It has to be in the four-digits, right?

Last night, one person literally felt compelled to write “I hate Landon” as her Tweet. That’s it. Just “I hate Landon.” And another Twitter user posted an old photo of Landon in which she’s drinking a beer and getting felt up by the guy behind her. I don’t remember what that one said but it was something along the lines of “You are a skank hypocrite.”

In the meantime, Landon was retweeting posts that favored her — especially ones that pointed out how awesome dolphins are — and she was hashtagging “haters gonna hate” to the rare insulter she felt like taking on.

Missing from Twitter last night, though, was Kathryn Dennis. Two days ago she apparently went on a late-night Twitter rant against her cast mates, but has since deleted most of her posts, which is a shame because I really wanted to see the first-draft of history on Kathryn’s accusation that Thomas called her a “fat Easter bunny” when she was pregnant.

Not having her weigh-in during the reunion was a real loss because some of the things from last night’s show require additional explanation.

Mostly I mean that choker she was wearing.

She made it herself!

Or so she says. I’m not sure what exactly Cameran Eubanks and Landon were laughing at when Kathryn told Andy Cohen about her jewelry-making endeavors. Were they laughing because the necklace is an obvious and heinous replica of Mattel’s failed Bordello Barbie accessories line? Or because they don’t think she’s actually making jewelry in her spare time? Or were they laughing because they are mean bitch elves?

When Kathryn started to explain that she uses vintage pieces to make jewelry, I was like “Oh no. Oh no. Sweetie. Don’t say that choker is …”

And then she touched the choker and said “like this one.”

I started to guffaw but caught myself when I saw how pleased Landon looked over Kathryn’s misfire of a side hustle. No way was I going to be a Landon.

That single moment, though, sums up the Landon-Kathryn dilemma for me.

I don’t like either of them really. But if I had to choose a team to be on, it would be Kathryn’s for sure.

That they hate each other is so confusing — even the cast seemed to be searching for what Craig called “the tipping point” to their discord — but it’s also so clear.

They know each other’s games really well.

Landon suspects the worst in Kathryn (“You used your womb to get on TV”) because, I assume, Landon is predisposed to thinking like a dirty schemester.

And Kathryn doesn’t like Landon because Landon is malevolent.

Who Instagrams snuggly pictures with a man during an international Valentine’s Day trip that was meant for said man’s main woman?

A person who wants everyone to know/think that she’s Top Kitty Cat now, that’s who.

Who suggests a color for a baby’s room and then wears that color to a party?

Actually, I don’t remember specifics of that drama. I just know that when Kathryn dies her last whispered word is going to be “periwinkle.”

Last night, Landon and Kathryn went at each other like two evil witch princesses casting Harry Potter battle spells at each other. And there was a real moment when things got particularly cartoony.

They were both screaming over each other (again), and Andy Cohen lost it.

“I’m going to murder myself. Seriously, I’m going to murder myself.”

They broke him.

I have seen many, many reunion shows on Bravo. Possibly all of them. So I know that Andy is used to being in the middle of screaming women who will never see each other’s sides.

Never has he threatened a violent premeditated death unto himself.

Nice work, Charlestonians.

Other fun moments for me from the final episode of “Southern Charm”:

Whitney’s little boots: Light brown suede ankle booties with a suit? Really, guy?

Craig Conover’s pro bono work: What would we have done last night without Craig mediating and translating for everyone. “Kathryn means …,” “Landon means …”? Instead of slumping down on his fake-porch couch, bouncing his foot around and examining his cuticles a la Shep Rose during the Kathryn-Landon moments, Craig put in the hours like any good legal intern.

This exchange:

Thomas Ravenel: “I’ve lied to Kathryn four times. And I’ve told her every time I’ve lied.”

Kathryn Dennis: “That’s a lie.”

Jennifer Snowden redeems herself. At first I was wondering why Bravo chose to have Jen join the “Charmers” on the couches. J.D. wasn’t there. Nor Patricia Altschul. Nor Danni, who everyone loves. Nor any other secondary character. What more do we need to learn from Snowden? Something tells me we’ve met our new cast member. And I’m OK with that.

Recantment. That is not a real word, Counselor Conover. Yet he said it twice, and both times I looked to Shep to see if springs would pop out of his head. I was hoping Shep would stop the reunion just to correct Craig, but no such luck.

This exchange:

Andy Cohen: “You didn’t know what “sanctimonious” was?”

Craig Conover: “When would that have come up?”

Whitney Sudler-Smith: “Studying?”

Finally, some answers! Andy Cohen asked the question that weighed most heavily on the minds of viewers. What happened to that uneaten catered dinner on the night of Thomas’ nervous breakdown? “I ate my dinner,” Thomas told him, throwing in an over-pronounced “filet mignon” because he’s a Huguenot.

Will Landon be back? Landon did not take a cocktail nor cheers with her cast mates on Monday night during the “let bygones be bygones, we’re all in this silly world together” traditional ending to Bravo reunion shows. Paired with Andy Cohen pointing out minutes earlier “Landon, you’re irritated” and Landon saying “I’m done. There’s nothing else to say,” I had to wonder, is this it for Landon? Will she return next season? I’m going to bet with myself that she will. One, she needs the money ( is still just a photo). And two, Bravo needs her drama. There’s no one more fun to hate on. Speaking of which:

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