Time is running out for tournament triathletes.
In fact, if they’re only just now starting their “Couch to RBC Heritage presented by Boeing” training, they are going to be HURTING.
Sure, they can get through the main event without much conditioning: “Watch golf.” Big deal. Mushy limbed babies can do that with one little dimpled hand tied behind their backs — which is why their golf clap is so messed up.
But how about the other two events?
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Will the tournament triathletes be able to handle all the walking and all the drinking this year?
Will they be able to make it to the “19th hole” without having to buy $85 flip-flops at a Heritage Lawn tent because no more Band-Aids will fit in their shoes?
My $85 is on “Sure. Maybe. I’ve seen some 5-inch wedges after 5 p.m.”
But this is where my faith in the under-trained tournament triathlete ends.
After all, this is the RBC Heritage — basically Hilton Head Island’s biggest bar — and it beckons.
Tournament triathletes are not just mere spectators, mind you.
No. They are at Heritage to win Heritage.
TO WIN IT.
What does winning Heritage mean to people who aren’t actually in the Heritage? Usually it just means you have to laugh a little when they say “I’m winning Heritage!” and maybe high five them so they feel original.
If history is any indicator, however, the triathletes who want to win, the people who start planning for Heritage around Christmas and say things like “Day drinking!!!!,” are nothing if not overconfident in their abilities to maintain a steady two-drink-per-hour split on the way to the finish line.
But we’ve seen them.
We know what reality looks like by 3 p.m. Saturday.
Do not throw water or fruit at them. Here is how you can help, though.
First, assess what kind of drinker the triathlete is, then apply the following moral support:
• The C Student: This triathlete ate bread in the morning because someone told him it would absorb the alcohol later in the day. The bread did absorb some of the alcohol but has since dissolved because it is bread. Moral support: Just give him your hot dog bun. He has skated by thus far in life on his parents’ successes. Now is not the time to explain the laws of saturation and digestive enzymes to him.
• The Uh-Oh: This poor triathlete followed the wrong Lilly Pulitzer pattern and now is walking with a different friend group. She doesn’t want to say anything, mostly because she can’t because of a misjudgment of her Bellini intake. You will be able to identify her by a very specific look on her face that says, “I don’t think this is Kate, Kate, Kate and Taylor anymore.” Moral support: Give her your purse mirror. She’s going to need to make a really good first impression on these new friends.
• The Professional: This guy is wearing shorts that are too small for him, even though he was told this is how they are supposed to fit. He brought his own koozie. He’s even shouting the golfers’ names like he knows these guys personally. Moral support: Sell him something. He’ll totally buy it just to show you he can.
• The Sneaky Liar: This triathlete isn’t even drinking! That is the same glass of wine she had four hours ago and it’s water! Moral support: Shake her hand. She might be president someday.
• The Expert: This drinker is very well-informed about how the Heritage is supposed to work. VERY. You will notice him by how he’s complaining about everything and comparing it to how it was 10 years ago. Moral support: Nod a lot. Say “Wow. Who knew?” then ask him if he’s been in the drum circle tent yet.
• The Hunter: She is not drunk, she is just extraordinarily tired. Where is the man of her dreams? I mean, come on. At what point will the universe cooperate? He has to be here. Maybe he’s a golfer? Don’t be a bartender again! Ugh! Moral support: She actually needs a drink. Could you get her one?
• Phil: This drinker is retired. He told his doctor he has one to two red wines a day — LOL. He meant bottles, not glasses. He chuckles about this even though his wife’s friends have started calling him Phil-sacea to his face. Moral support: Do not give him any bread. Phil has eaten enough bread today.
May the best tournament triathlete win.
May it be Phil.